The End of an Era

The problem with hating hippos and yetis is that there is not that much opportunity to hate them directly… Yes, I typed ‘opportunity’ on purpose there. Much like love you must practice hate, and, in this case, it has been a long time since I have practiced hate for the river horse and our hairy brutish mountain dwelling cousin. There just has not been much reason to seek out the hippo or taunt the yeti.

You see, even though the hippo is the most dangerous of the mega-fauna that are left inhabiting out world, the animal itself is rather pitiful in its dangerousness. It is territorial in the water and sunburnable in the air. It is aggressive in the water, but tires quickly on the land. The limits of its “comfort zone” seem to be a riverine environment and a riverine environment alone. Get past the riparian vegetation and the hippo is just an overweight, sun-burning, pig that cannot see very far.

The yeti is a daunting enemy to say the least, if you are in Nepal, but if you are not one of the 10 people in the world considering yourself Nepalese and you don’t climb mountains for a hobby, then you are never going to meet up with a yeti. Do yeti exist? Sure they do. Do people really care? No, Not really.

Herein lies the problem with hating the hippo and the yeti. Both creatures are more pitiable than loathsome. It takes effort to hate and it takes reminders to give effort. Without constant reminders there is no consistent effort and therefore no hate.

I find it sad to say but the bilious vitriolic fervor with which I vomited distaste for the hippo and yeti has subsided over the past year to a dull apathetic ache that is meekly rotting away somewhere in the twists and curves of my small intestine where the beginnings of poop reside.

To recap:
The hate has washed out of me do to apathy
Most things wash out of me due to apathy
Could I hate them again?
Sure, if given the right stimuli
I am not sure if the right stimulus exists though
Fare the well, yeti and hippo hate
It was a nice run while it lasted
Vacuum.... Nature abhors you and so do I!
Listening to Critical Hit by No More Kings


It seems my enemies have abandoned me. The yeti no longer lurks about with messages of hate and misunderstanding, and the hippo is a simple beast that is easily lured to its demise with the promise of crystal meth and heroine. In many ways these threads of hate and antagonism are either dead or dying, and that makes me sad.

It is difficult to be caustic and vitriolic without something to causticize or vitriate. I am a bitter person with no appreciable target to vent his bile. That is either a very good thing or the thing that will bring about the destruction of society. There is no middle ground, therefore in order to potentially save society as we know it, I need to find a number 1 object of my loathing.

The issue is that I do have some stringent criteria for such a high state of my detestation.

Criterion the first:
The object must not be something from my daily life. If the object of my greatest animosity should not be something I run across everyday, lest I be immobilized with my fervent hate at any and all hours of the day.

Criterion the second: The object of my blackest of murderous emotions (I have a range of murderous emotions) must “earn” my deepest revulsion. The yeti earned my gall by its very existence, but it seems that my last entreaty to him has caused him to go “underground” and search his feelings. Then Yeti was supplanted by the hippo due to its lack of natural predator and the overconfidence that instilled in the water horse. Now it is time for the Hippo, loathsome as it is, to take the passenger seat in the custom van of all I hate, while the Yeti gets relegated to a captain’s chair that can swivel. The problem is that I don’t know who/what should be worthy of driving the Custom Van of All I Hate.

(note: this is an example of a custom van, this is not the Custom Van of All I Hate, there are no pictures of that… it ruins negatives and erases digital media)

So, while I quest for new gainful employment, I also will be looking with my trained eye for something to abhor. You have all been warned.

To recap:
I am open to suggestions
Hateful, hateful suggestions
This stupid weather hurts my head
I have taken measures to combat that
Motrin, Sudafed, and Mt Dew
The medicine of champions
BBQ pulled pork for dinner
Not sure what the sides will be, or if it will be ready before Wifey and I go to a meeting tonight
So I will edit
Maybe BBQ pulled pork for dinner tonight
Listening to Welcome Back Father by Earl Greyhound
Beyond here… there be dragons


Just a recap today. No post to speak of

To recap:
Little Man can read the word “off”
We are golden if we can just get him to spell F-U-C… oh, you get the idea
The problem with hippos is…
Not their over aggressive nature
Not their poor eyesight
No, Princess Leia, not their easily recognizable foul stench
Not even their ability to defecate at Will
Poor poor poo covered Will
It is their monumental sense of entitlement
You aren’t all that and a bag of chips, Hippo
Uppity hippos and their “holier than thou-ness”
One would think that more sleep over the weekend would help
One would be incorrect
MORE sleep just reminds the body of what it has not been getting regularly
I have 59 icons on my work computer’s desktop
I think I need to clean that up a bit
A little spring cleaning and now I am at 17 icons
Turns out that Little Man is well motivated by greed
We made an accomplishment chart for him
Now all he seems to be doing is accomplishing
Q is doing well… um... as well?
Sometimes me no wordify good
I just ate a boatload of paella
Oddly that is whatI had for dinner last night
That is one of the issues of re-heating food at work
You end up having very similar (if not the same) meals in rapid succession
I am hungry again already
I am ashamed that I started this recap before lunch and will not be posting it until 2 pm-ish
20 Questions Tuesday will be rather interesting tomorrow
Oddly, I will have very little to do with it
So tune in tomorrow
Honestly, this is a bit pitiful
I have no topic for today
Wifey has all-topic-ed up tomorrow’s 20 Questions Tuesday
I am showing the movement I have made on the pic for Digital Thursday
Anyone want to tell me what to write about for Wednesday?
Listening to Wake Up by Arcade Fire off of Funeral

Three Things

Three Things--

Thing the First: Having Gaelic ancestry, I find it necessary to have something O’bligatory in the blog about Saint Patrick’s Day. The interesting thing about St Patrick’s day is that there weren’t really any snakes in Ireland before he got there anyway. His accomplishment of ridding the Emerald Isle of snakes* is akin to my glorious accomplishment of removing the hippos from Columbus, Ohio. While both statements are true, they are a bit misleading, well, except the one about me getting rid of the hippos in Columbus, Ohio. I can fuck a hippo up, yo!**

Thing the Second: Little Man is a flipping brilliant artist. Seriously, the stuff he paints is really really good. They would be artistic genius if what he put on paper was even remotely intentional. Seriously, if he were a 58 year old white artiste going by the moniker Bello, and his paintings were 4’ x 6’ he would be opening to sold out gallery shows every weekend.

Exhibit the First: Composition in Yellow

Exhibit the Second: Study in Contrast

Exhibit the Third: Gurple

Seriously, artist types would eat babies to be able to throw together compositions like these. If there were any intention behind his actions, I am positive that he could be considered an artistic genius. Even as a parent who is smitten by his excellence, I understand that he is just having fun and it happens to be with a brush laden with paint.

If he were an 85 year old woman with a 5th grade education, he would be rolling in the money with these paintings.


Every once and a while that thought just seems to creep into my head.

To Recap:
The U.C. T-shirt Shoppe is open and ready for business
I will have no idea what to do if I actually see one of these shirts on someone I don’t know
If you see something and would like it in a different format, let me know
I can modify stuff
Umm… I meant to say that sales are skyrocketing and you should all get at least 3 t’s before they have to shut down the shop for clogging up the Internet
I constructed a new filing cabinet system for Wifey
It was part of her spoils from the Ikea hunting trip
Wifey is happy when she is filing

*I understand that the serpents in Ireland were in fact the serpentine tattoos associated with druids. In this case “Ridding the isle of snakes” means “got rid of the pesky druids.”

**Proper equipment is necessary

Meeting Hell

The company’s holiday hootnanny is this afternoon from 3:30pm to 5:30 pm. There will be cake, cookies, and juice. It is like I am in grade-school again except they aren’t letting us out early for the holiday. It will be a nice time for the owners of the company to feel like they are giving something back to the little guy.

I mentioned this before, but lately I have been getting a shit ton of hits associated with a craptastic jpeg image I posted of Theodore from the Chipmunks a year ago. Most likely the hits are somehow associated with the new movie coming out. Anyway, the image is absolutely horrid in resolution. I have done a vector version for all you rabid fans out there. I will also place this version next to the other when I get home tonight.

I have been in meeting hell all day long. Now I am back at my desk and I have stuff that needs to get done and it is friggin hot. I am not wearing the clothes necessary to take a layer off, so I am sweltering here. Anyway… I have another meeting to get to.

To recap:
Hippos are the 3rd largest animal on land
An adult male hippo can weigh as much as 7000lbs but usually weight 5000lbs
That is 3175 kg at max and 2268kg typically
Or 15,875,730 carats at max or 11,339,810 carats typically
Or 500 stones max or 357 stones typically
Or 3.5 tons max and 2.5 tons typical
Hippos are the closest living land animals to whales and dolphins
They can hold their breath for about 5 minutes
The hippo's yawn is not a sign of sleepiness or boredom but is actually a threat gesture, displaying long, thick, razor-sharp canine teeth, or tusks, with which it is capable of biting a small boat in half
Hippos can open their mouths a whopping 150°
Hippos have killed more than 400 people in Africa
That is more than any other animal in Africa
Hippos have a “T” shaped pupil which allows them to see both above and below the water at the same time
Hippos always charge in a straight line
They are too large to maneuver at high speeds

H: 8 of 26

Here we go with the penultimate entry in the No Longer Random Alphabet of SRH. Today’s letter is the letter, H. I have to say that I am relived and a little saddened that this segment is coming to an end. What am I going to write about on Thursday’s after next week? Coming up with drivel for everyone to read is difficult. Just plain difficult.

Anyway… here we go.

H: Big H, Little h, Hungry horse, hay. Hen in a hat. Hooray! Hooray!

When I decided to start up this here Alphabet of SRH 25 weeks ago, I knew that day, that hour, that minute, that second, that I was going to write about hippos for H. So without further ado…

It all started innocently enough. A casual lunch conversation was casually lunching when my friend uttered those fateful words: “Did you know that the hippo has no natural enemies?” There was only one true and accurate response to that statement.

“They do now!”

Since I made hippos my second (the Yeti got the 1st) slot favored enemy (all you 5th level Rangers know what I’m saying, PHB 3.5 in tha house!), lets see just what has transpired, shall we? My wife lovingly (it was lovingly done, right?) psychoanalyzed me for my irrational hate of hippos and I responded. My blog has become the number 1 entry listed for the Google searches Hippo Enemy and Hippopotamus Enemy. I had 2 blogaversaries, oh, and THE HIPPO WAS NAMED TO THE ENDANGERED SPECIES LIST!!! I am quite effective in my hatred (or h8red for the text monkeys --raise your hand if you were born after 1990. Excuse me, what I meant was: u born 90+? raze h& kthxby!lol). Sure they say that the hippo is becoming endangered by loss of habitat, but I work in mysterious ways, baby!

What have I Learned about the hippo since naming it as my favored enemy?

  • The Hippopotamus amphibious is a large land mammal that spends much of the time in a riverine environment.

  • Bulls are very territorial and will attack even when unprovoked.

  • Most African animal encounter caused deaths in Africa are due to unprovoked attacks by hippos.

  • The closest biological relative to the hippo are the cetaceans and not other grazing mammals.

  • The name Hippopotamus is derived from the 2 Greek words “hippo" and “potamus” which mean “horse” and “river” respectively.

  • A hippo can open its mouth wide enough to fit a 4 foot tall child inside.
  • A hippo can open its mouth 4 foot wide. (the "fact" above is just pure sensationalism)
  • Maybe it should have read: A hippo can open its mouth wide enough to fit a 4 foot tall bomb inside.
  • 'Cause it's true.
  • In Egyptian mythology Taweret, Tauris, Toeris, and Reret are all names of a goddess of fertility portrayed as a hippo

  • They do not like licorice or even the smell of anise

  • Oh, and they go down like chumps!
Can I get an “A-men?”

To Recap:
I am not sure what my posting schedule will be for next week
There is a chance that I will be heading down to Alabama to see Capt. McArmypants
A very good chance, I just don’t know when exactly
I would like to know when soon so I can see if I am driving or flying
All that is left for the Alphabet is Y
Y is for Yeti
That’s good enough for me
The presentation from yesterday is completed
And there was much rejoicing
Have a great Labor Day weekend my US Readers!
Have a great weekend everyone

They are Evil I tell you!

      Hippo, fear the reaper

      Look at them… so smug. So full of themselves.

      I have not forgotten them. They are still going to die by my hand, or the hand of my proginy. It may take a lot of time and look like it was “natural causes,” but rest assured, it was us, and we are THAT good.

      Hey! Hippo!
      Yeah You! Don’t think that I have forgotten my pledge to be the scourge of all hippo kind. Because I have not forgotten. I haven’t forgotten at all. No, I have not forgotten my pledge to be your mortal enemy. I made it a long 15+ months ago, and I still aim to keep it. Worse yet, Little Man has undertaken the anti-hippo banner as well.

      Oh, water horse! You should live in fear. FEAR I SAY, FEAR! I can see you are afraid…

      Very afraid. Look at the tense stance. That hippo is coiled like a spring, ready to bolt at any second! The “flight” response is almost palpable.

      But you should be more afraid of he who follows me more than me. You see, I have started training him. I have started familiarizing him with your image.

      Okay, Okay, I understand that kind of doesn’t look like your image, but Ninja Hippo-Killin’ Little Man doesn’t sit still for pictures so he can instill fear in his intended prey. He is quick like lightning and quiet like the night, and he can now target you with his steely laser-like focus. Hippo’s you should be afraid.

      Good… Nice and afraid.

      To Recap:
      I haven’t forgotten about you either
      You day will come as well
      Mammwich for dinner tonight
      I need to update my firewall program
      I need to update my spyware program
      I need to update my anti-virus program
      Strange things are afoot on the home PC
      Have a great weekend
      For the record: The Columbus Zoo doesn't have a hippo..... any more

      Number 1!

      For a moment there, I was Number 1. I never thought I could be first in anything non-specific on Google. But it happened. This blog, this blog you are currently reading, was the Number 1 entry on one glorious afternoon for the Google search hippo enemy. I am back to the crappy-assed number 2 entry now. Some zoo in Hawaii seems to have beaten me out as the Number 1 Hippo Enemy. Some zoo gets the Number 1 spot with information about how hippos are really their own worst enemies in zoo enclosures. I ask you when is hippo on hippo crime even information?

      I have never been Number 1 for any 2 word Google search before. Not even my name produces a Number 1 entry for a Google search. I was the happiest person known to man yesterday, but reality soon made its presence known. Well, except for that whole Mother Nature screwing with my sinuses thing.

      I am no longer the top of the mountain looking down. I am again climbing, striving to be something greater. My brief glimpse of Internet fame left me wanting more. Page 1 of the Google searches for ignorant Alabamians, turtle rave, “making fun of someone,” and Little Debbie oatmeal cream pie just doesn’t seem to feel as nice as being the Number 1 hippo enemy.

      Greatness is truly fleeting. Sure I am Number 1 and 1.5 for the search hippo no natural enemy, but that seems to be splitting hairs for a search. Too many hedges leading back to my post. Now, Hippo Enemy, that was something great! 2 fairly common words strung together culminating in my rant against hippo-kind!

      To recap:
      Who’s Number 1?
      The Honolulu Zoo’s Hippo Page
      Smug little bastards! I bet they are just living it up right now in their tropical paradise weather and Number 1 hippo enemy status
      I hate them with the fire of a thousand suns
      But I would love to visit their zoo, it looks nice
      My breath is minty fresh
      I go to the chiropractor tomorrow
      Maybe it will get rid of some of my headaches

      Sweet, Sweet Yeti action

      I have nothing to chat about today, yet again. There are tons of things going on in the world, but I have chosen not to talk about them. Hell, there are tons of things going on at my work, but since co-workers read this here blogarooney, I cannot comment on those things. Secrets abound in my workplace. It is a very secretive place. I have said too much already.

      Anyway… it looks as if the white death will be descending upon us at any moment. Our very souls are in jeopardy due to the advancing line of death from above. It is coming! It is coming! Sweet mother of a vengeful God, it is coming! We are, according to the weathermen, expecting 14 feet of ice hurled by yetis from mountains of snow that are traveling in from the west. All of this snow and yeti action is to be accompanied by some wind that will make Sweet Baby Jesus cry. Just look at the radar, for crying out loud!

      In summation, we are all going to die.

      To recap:
      White death is coming
      It will involve yetis hurling things
      I am just phoning it in today
      Deal with it


      I have only a little bit before I go and pick up the little man from his care takers. This has been a complete waste of a day. I was never really able to engage into the work waiting for me at my desk. Sure I was able to get some work done, but my heart was really not into it. I do not know where this particular malaise is stemming from. It could be a multitude of things. I have not yet fulfilled my recently acquired mission in life of killing the dreaded hippo. Mark my words, Water Horse, You will die! Die I Tell You! DIE! My allergies are trying to kill me slowly with a death by asphyxiation. The Yeti is still out there being all nemesis-like… mocking me… judging me. We are waiting with baited breath the results of the house inspection that took place yesterday afternoon and lasted an hour too long. Any of those things could have led to my general sense of blah. Well, any and all of those things have probably contributed somewhat to my ultimate feeling of “meh.”

      So last night both Wifey and Little Man were starting to feel under the weather. This led to some really un-satisfying sleep for the night by any of the 3 inhabitants of the house. The lack of sleep led to some rather quick and flawed decisions as to what to wear today to work. Those faulty decisions led to me picking a clean shirt that happened to be permanently stained. This led to me wearing a stained shirt all day long. I are professional lookin’. Maybe that is why I could not get into the whole work mode.

      To recap:
      You will die hippo
      Wifey, why didn’t you warn me this morning that the shirt I had on was stained?
      If you have not heard of FSMism or "Pastafarianism," you might want to check it out. I think I might be a convert
      I am tired, and I am done for the day.
      Well, you know you make me wanna
      (Shout) Throw my hand up
      (Shout) Kick my heels back
      (Shout) Throw my head back
      (Shout) Come on now
      (Shout)Don't forget to say you will
      (Shout, Shout) Don't forget to say
      (Shout) Yeah yeah yeah yeah, come on
      (Say you will) Say it right now, baby
      (Say you will) Come on, come on
      (Say you will) Say it right now, baby
      (Say you will)

      Hippo Redux

      Okay, the wife wants to bring to bear her considerable clinical expertise on my declaration that the Hippopotamus Amphibious is now one of my mortal sworn enemies. Please, if you have not read my hippo manifesto, do so here before going further, otherwise this will make no sense whatsoever. If you have read it, this will make only a very little sense. My comments on this flimsy analysis of her psychobabble to follow.

      So without further ado…from Wifey:

      After my initial appalled laughter at your “Move and the Hippo Dies” blog, I have spent some time actually analyzing what that post really reveals about your personality, upbringing, and future potential. I am a therapist, after all. Here, dear husband, is my professional clinical opinion about your hippopotamus hang up.

      My first impression involves a general acknowledgement of your overall level of “contrariness”, or oppositional defiance, if you will. You clearly feel challenged by any assertion of truth or fact, i.e. hippos have no natural enemies. While this seemingly innocuous fact would not cause ordinary folks to have any type of reaction besides a general sense of harmony and peace, you responded by swearing them to annihilation.

      What about you makes you uncomfortable with the idea that an animal is living in relative safety? Is it because you never had love, safety, and consistency in your early years? Most likely this is your mother’s fault. (Shout out to Freud on that one!)

      Secondly, I would work with you in a session to address any early bad experiences with water you may have had. Since I am your wife, I am clear about your particular bad water experiences. Your hostility toward the hippo, a primarily water animal, is clearly a misappropriation of your vulnerable feelings related to scary swimming lessons as a preschooler. It’s a classic case of sublimation. You take your vulnerable, scared feelings related to water and twist them around in your subconscious to hatred and bitterness toward the wholesome, happy hippo who splashes around in the water all day.

      Finally, you have made a sworn enemy of an animal that is easy to avoid, thereby supporting your inherent laziness. Husband, we do not live in Africa. We will not be coming across any hippos to vanquish. How “coincidental” that you have sworn an enemy that you will never have to face -- clear fears of inadequacy there. Well, inadequacy plus laziness.

      Post Script
      I wrote the above prior to coming across a writing assignment from your youth which I happened to discover while cleaning out our attic:
      By: SRH., age 4 ½
      Question: What animal would you like to be?
      Your answer: a HIPPOPOTOMAS

      Hmmmm… this puts a much different spin on your “Move and the Hippo Dies” diatribe. A very different spin indeed. Clearly, you are venting your hatred of that which you can never hope to achieve – the blissful, enemy-free life of a hippo. The real question is: “Why do you want to be a hippo?”

      What was not provided for you (by your mother, I presume) that you had to escape into an imaginary world where you were a large land/water mammal on the Dark Continent?

      Well, our time is up. We’ll have to discuss next week…

      Okay.. my response…

      Firstly, one should not get close emotional ties to one’s clients, so I will preface this response with a question. Should you be licensed if you are trying to deal with your husband as a therapist? Clearly that is a conflict of interest. You could be censured by the Ohio Board of Social Work if people actually felt that you were conducting therapy sessions with your husband. Luckily, we all know that you are not, in fact, counseling me on my various paranoid and delusional aspects of my personality.

      Of any attacking wild animal, the hippo will kill its prey. Examples of this exist here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, and here. The hippo does not really seem to lead the life of a gentle creature, therefore, I do not wish to react to the lack of predator for this killer animal with “a general sense of harmony and peace.” I instead have determined to take a stand against this murderous beast. Opositional defiant… or altruistic? You be the judge.

      Whether my mother loved me or not (WHY MOMMA!?!?, WHY?!?! I WAS A GOOD BOY!!!) is immaterial to my desire for the overconfident mega mammal to feel fear. All animals must have a natural predator, it is the natural balance of things. It just so happens that hippos have gotrten away with not having a predator for a long, long time (and, before anyone starts claiming that people do not have a predator… I, yet again, remind everyone of the evil man killing and eating Yeti).

      My preschool swimming experience is really a non factor in this discussion. All that experience taught me is that I should not learn to swim in a class where everyone is taller than me and just as determined not to drown. I can swim like a fish now because of that traumatic experience. My swimming prowess will be one more weapon in my arsenal of hippo-killing.

      At 4 ½ I knew I had a destiny to fulfill. One must be like the enemy to truly understand the enemy. I knew somewhere deep in my soul, even at the age of 4 ½ that I was destined to be something great. Since then I have decided to settle for killing some hippos. Eh, I could do worse.

      To recap:
      Wifey is no longer a clinician, don’t believe a word she types
      Can one deny being “oppositionally defiant” without appearing “oppositionally defiant?”
      Freud is an insane idiot who tries to foist his own weird fascinations and delusions on everyone else to make himself not a frikkin’ weirdo even in his own head.
      Oedipal complex my ass! He never met my mom.
      Nothing wrong with lazy. Stop bad mouthing lazy

      Move, and the hippo dies

      On the way to lunch yesterday (Mmmmmm Arby’s) the driver of the car I was in mentioned that the hippopotamus does not have any natural enemies. Well… they do now. As God is my witness, I will bring down a fury the likes of which has never been seen by hippo-kind.

      Now, I have 2 mortal enemies, 2 favored prey, and 2 animals which need to be exterminated. The number one of this duo is, and will always be, until I get them all… the Yeti. Number Two is now the hippopotamus or hippopotamus amphibious for you biologists out there. Author’s note: Good God, the hippo’s genus species name is really only hippopotamus amphibious? Really original name guys, and the more common name of hippopotamus… where did you come up with that one? Wow, way to put yourselves out on a limb like that.

      There is not time in the day now space on the Internet for me to expound upon my distaste for the common yeti, so I will not deign to give them any more thought on this blog. Just know this, you sasquatch wannabes, your days are numbered (most likely in the thousands, but still that is not very long in the grand scheme of things). You know what you did, and you know why I am bringing the fire of my intense hatred to your Himalayan lairs. Do not think for a second that I will let my crusade against the hippo take any of my focus away from you, Wild Man of the Mountain. If you do not want to wait on me… bring it, Hairy! Anytime…. Any place. Make peace with your ancestors, for you will see them soon enough…

      Now, Mr. and Ms. Hippo, I will turn my unwavering gaze upon you for the moment. How does that heat feel on your bulbous bodies? Your days of un-mitigated free reign in the African rivers are over. Get used to the pain that I will be bringing, tubby. I know you spend most of the time feeling all buoyant in the water with you tremendous girth, but you are a land mammal, you fat lumbering behemoths! You will have to come out of the water eventually. I will be waiting for you there, Fatso.

      I know your attack habits. I know how you pretend to be very docile and nice at zoos, but are really vicious killers. Your problem is that you have the same death dealing tactics on land as you do in the water. I know your ways, Water Horse! Drown victims in the water, trample victims on land. It is the same tactic; you just can’t trample someone to death when they are already drowned. Your tactic boils down to stepping on things until they die. Really original. I will rain death upon you in a variety of ways. You will not know where or when the long sleep will come, but it will. I will deal death out to hippo-kind from above, from below, next to, kind of catty-corner to, a bit to the side of , and far far away. My instruments are scathing sarcasm, knives, guns, spoons, killer bees, and the occasional animal trap. Watch yourself, Hippo. I am coming, and littered behind me will be the corpses of your countless dead.

      I am a smart hunter though… I have done my research. I know your habitat and feeding habits. I know that who you are is often measured by the company you keep. A crocodile? Dancing with a crocodile? Really… no one likes crocs. There is even a show about some Aussie guy who hunts them. Dance all you want Hippo-Chick, nothing will save you from my wrath.

      To recap:
      Hippos have no natural enemies... until now…
      Mmmmmm Arby’s, did I mention that Arby’s has this truly evil shake-like desert now. It is all peanut-buttery and chocolaty. MMMM
      Many do not consider me natural, so maybe they still don’t have any natural enemies? I will have to think on that.
      Yeti, your time has come, and you know why. This number should mean something to you, 4398. Deal with it, Hairy Bitches.