A Whale of a Tail

Okay, I have 4 things to cover in this post, so let’s get to it:

Number 1:

Wifey and I were driving home from the grocery store (because we lead exciting lives) and we saw a 1998 red Pontiac Grand Prix with a home installed silver whale tail bolted onto the trunk of the car. I do not have a doctorate in physics or anything like that, but I do have some common sense. The porpoise, err… purpose of a whale tale on a car is to add stability to cars when they are traveling at incredibly high speeds. The tail acts like a downward aileron or flap (I am honestly not sure which it is considered, I am also, amongst many other things, not a pilot) to force the vehicle back to the ground because the slipstream going over the car is actually generating lift. Formula One racers have these things on the backs of their cars due to the relative low weight of the cars compared to the speed with which they travel. The Audi TT also has to have a stabilization tail to keep it from losing all of its control surfaces. It can actually go that fast. The 1998 Pontiac Grand Prix however cannot get itself up to a speed where it will actually start to lift itself off the ground. In fact, at speeds above 80 it starts to shake and shimmy like it is about to fall apart. Don’t ask… I just know this stuff. Needless to say the whale tail is not needed.

The 2 things that got me about this particular car modification were the sheer size of the tail itself and its complete lack of contiguity with the rest of the vehicle. To begin with, some Twin engine Cessnas have smaller tails, and their point is to be in the air. It must have been a Blue Whale whale tail. Secondly, if your car is a 1998 red piece of crap, maybe a silver aluminum tail bolted to your now useless trunk is not the best way to accessorize the car. If you cannot make the add on piece of the car look like it is supposed to be on the car, don’t put it on there, otherwise your vehicle looks like it was a reject from some post-apocalyptic car movie. This is not the Thunderdome, Lord Humungo is not leading a band of punk anarchists across the desert causing mayhem and explosions, and we do not have to fight for gasoline… yet.

All in all… just give it up, you are in an 8 fucking year old Pontiac Grand Fucking Prix, a whale tail ain’t going to make anything any better.

Number 2:

I tweaked my right shoulder somehow this weekend. I am not sure when or how it happened, but it hurts like a bitch if I move it in very particular motions. Oh well, I am getting old.

Number 3:

I forgot to mention that the little one said his first curse word. About a week ago he parroted his grandma and said “Shit.” He still will not say drink when he is thirsty, but he says “shit” when he drops something. Lovely. I just cannot believe that it was not one of my curses that got parrotted. Who HOO! Not it!

He does say “I do” when he wants me to stop helping, so I guess that is good, but he usually only says that when I am cutting something for him with a sharp knife. He always looks at me and smiles when he is reaching for a knife, and it is not one of those innocent “love you, Papa” smiles he usually give me. It is one of those “this will make a neat noise when I hamstring you, Papa” smiles.

Number 4:

Something is in the air that is knocking me on my ass. I hate summertime allergies, they seem to be magnified by the heat and sun or something. To steal a phrase… yesterday I woke up and my eyes felt like sandpaper. This morning I still have not shaken off the grogginess of sleeping, and I slept way past when I should have gotten up. This summer has just been hell for me allergy-wise, but that happens.

To recap:

Pontiac has not, does not, and will not “build excitement”… “excrement”… maybe, but “excitement,” no
Whale tails belong on whales
My shoulder feels like shit
Did I mention shit? At least he is saying it correctly
All that is left is for the little one to drop the F-Bomb. It will come
Papa, come out, come out, wherever you are! or I’ll cut’cha….
Little one hiked for about a mile yesterday, it was impressive
Did someone park a bus in my sinuses?