Impending Doom

House cleaning is a bitch. This is especially true when you have a 2.25 year old undoing what you have just done. If one of us puts it away, Little Man gets it out. It is a endless cycle of cleaning and re-cleaning. Ah, but c’est la vie.

So it is only 3.5 days until the impending doom that is Fowl Holiday ’05. In those short days we need to clean the house and make sure we have seating available for all the myriad of guests who will be coming to Casa del SRH. At least this year it will not be a “Very Geriatric Thanksgiving.” It really was like a special episode of Blossom. There was something comical about last year though… one fo the participants was suffereing with some of the later stages of Alzhiemer's and another had just lost her husband. So the conversation would go something like this.

Alzhiemer's Patient: So [Wifey's Mom]* whatever happened to that nice gentleman that lived next door to you.

[Wifey's Mom]: He passed away just this October.

Rose (wife of recently deceased man): **cry cry cry**

5 minutes later...

Alzhiemer's Patient: So [Wifey's Mom] whatever happened to that nice gentleman that lived next door to you.

[Wifey's Mom]: He passed away just this October.

Rose (wife of recently deceased man): **cry cry cry**

At first it was kind of sad, but after time 15 it was kind of funny in a barbaric way. You know, how David Letterman used to bring the funny.

This year it should be much livelier.

I have a confession to make. My filter is eroding really really quick-like, I am finding it harder and harder to choke back my scathing commentary. It is something that seems to delight some of the co-workers, but could cause some serious trouble with the family of origin come Thursday. You see, I have tons of material to work with here. (note: all issues with family have been exaggerated for comedic effect)

First and foremost are my parents. Mom is both cheap and (how shall I say…) low-energy. Due to her penny pinching, even her brothers refer to her as Frugal [Mom’s Name]*. This woman tries to re-use everything. If it was a container, it can and should be used again. Remember way back when Lean Cuisine entrees came on a microwave safe plate with a plastic lid? Way back in the late 80’s, remember those? Well, she still uses them. It doesn’t matter that they are cracked and broken, they were free GOD DAMMIT!!!! FREEE!!! Well kinda free… She is also too ummm… low-energy to do actual crossword puzzles. You see, they take too much thinking. She has book upon book upon book of “Fill-Ins.” These puzzles are the ones that have the same look of a crossword layout with across and down, but instead of clues to figure out the words that fill in the spaces, it has a random listing of across words and down words that you fit into the boxes. It is like remedial crosswords.

Second is my Dad. Dad is a tad bit on the controlling side as well as dull as a stone. He wants it his way and only his way. Even if his way doesn’t work, that is how he wants it. His conversation also tends to revolve around the weather channel too much as well. Sweet mother of God! He could watch that channel 24 hours a day even if it is only on a 30 minute loop. After about 30 minutes of talking, my dad will ask about weather issues because he is out of material.

Third is my brother. This is a person who has been kicked out of the active armed forces 4 times, oh wait 5 I forgot the Air Force discharge. Lets see, he was booted from the Air Force once, and the Navy 4 times, but he is now a full-time reservist and about to move back to Virginia Beach. It is sad when the military is dredging that particular barrel over and over and over. One would think that the military would know that just a warm body will not hack it.

Fourth is the sister-in-law. She is a deer caught in headlights. She pretty much just married into the fam, and did not realize what she was getting herself into. Poor Poor girl.

With my filter going away and my relatives coming to town there is a high probability for hijinks to ensue.

To recap:

Little Man is the anti-cleaning agent
Fowl Holiday ’05 is coming
My parents are coming
My brother is coming
My neglected nephews are coming
I can’t help but dwell on the positive
Boy, I cannot think of anything esoteric to put in here today

* Name with-held to protect MY identity