The confidence ebbs and flows in a bad economy where one is not in the job or career of their choosing. I have been doing some freelance UX work, but finding new contracts randomly is very difficult. It has to be through connections. My most recent contracts have been through a friend of a friend of my brother. This economy is not what you know, it is most definitely who you know. In between contracts I have been doing retail. Full time retail at 51 is humbling, to say the least. This is not where I intended to be right now, but here I am. I am trying to make the best of it.
I honestly do not mind the retail job, it is a nice place to work, and I have had some wonderful coworkers in the year plus that I have been at the store. I work in a local pet food store. There are some positives for the store. The hours are pretty great from day to day. I do not have to be there any earlier than 8:30 am and don’t have to stay later than 8 pm. That’s really nice. I have become insanely more knowledgeable about dog food. My arms have not looked this good since college, and might not have looked this nice in college. I have some crazy definition in my arms right now. Slinging large bags of dogfood and heavy bags of cat litter around are good for you. (I should do some lifting to bulk up just a little and finish the transformation)
Working there is not all rainbows and smiles though. It is also hard on the ego to see friends and neighbors come into the store to buy their pets some food. People who knew me in my corporate life come in. I know they are not necessarily judging me… but they are. The compensation package is not great. Retail is not where anyone makes money. The day to day schedule is not bad, but the weekly schedule is bad. Very rarely will I have 2 days off in a row. It feels like I am in the store all. the. damn. Time.
Anywhozzlebee… the lack of freelance opportunities and some other pressures really have kicked me in the teeth this week… so I asked ChatGPT to drink a super tall glass of water and create 20 questions about being under-employment. Chat drank some water and regurgitated a swath of questions for me to select from.
Here we go… on to the questions!
1. How do you personally define “under-employed,” and how has that definition changed over time?
Under-employment is a working mis-balance between one’s current employment “level” and either previous employment levels or expected employment levels due to education level. For example, I was a UX team lead for many years with a masters degree in both Geography and User Experience Design. I am now a “third key” employee at a super-regional pet food store. I am not using my education or previous professional experience in this position.
2. What parts of your skill sets are being underused right now, and which ones are quietly atrophying?
The UX portions of my skillset are not being used enough. I’d say the quiet atrophy is happening to my adult work-related conversations.
3. How does under-employment distort your sense of time, productivity, or momentum?
Momentum is gone. Just plain non-existent. Time and productivity are nebulous. I made an endcap today of some squeaky toys and another for house cleaning supplies for cleaning up dog messes… is that productive? And time? Time is a flat circle.
4. How much mental energy is spent doing math about money that used to feel automatic?
Oh, my goodness. This is one of the more painful things. I used to buy groceries with impunity. If we wanted something in the fridge or the pantry, we go it. Now… I have to really think about it… and don’t even get me started with impromptu going out for dinner.
5. What emotions surface most often: frustration, boredom, anxiety, shame, resignation, or something harder to name?
They are raise their ugly heads at different times. Shame is up there. So is just plain old easy depression.
6. How do you explain your current work situation to strangers, family, or former colleagues—and how much do you edit the truth?
I say that I am a freelance UX designer looking for contracts.
7. In what ways does under-employment affect your confidence versus your actual competence?
My competence is still strong (at least in my opinion), but my confidence is rough right now.
8. How has your relationship to ambition changed since becoming under-employed?
Really lowered my desires. Really what I want now is the ability to cover the mortgage and pay off the debt I am working with. That is not the ambition I was dealing with prior to this economic situation.
9. What skills are you actively trying to keep sharp, even without external validation?
I am continuing to read UX lit, and trying to do some online AI courses, but those are nebulously useful… hell… ai is nebulously useful in general.
10. How does under-employment affect your generosity—with time, attention, or emotional energy?
I am as generous as I can be… monetarily I am significantly less generous.
11. What would “appropriately employed” actually look like right now, if you’re being honest?
Honestly, a slate of freelance work that is relatively easy to maintain. This could be 20 to 30 hours of work per week, combined with continuing my work at the pet food store. Otherwise oit would look like a mid-level UX full-time position.
12. How many versions of you exist simultaneously: the résumé self, the LinkedIn self, the dinner-party self, and the 3 a.m. ceiling-staring self?
Resume self and LinkedIn self are relatively similar . There is family self, extended family self, the friend self, the work self. That, I think, sums it all up.
13. How much unpaid emotional labor do you perform pretending this is all “fine, actually”?
It is emotional self-labor… but it is a ton of effort.
14. When did you start treating weekdays like weekends and weekends like mild guilt?
When you work a retail job that is not a set 5 day work week… the weekends and weekdays start to blur together.
15. What would capitalism say my problem is, and why is it wrong?
This is an interesting question. I am not sure what capitalism would say is my issue, or how I could remedy that issue. If I knew that, I am fairly sure I would help capitalism change my situation.
16. Is under-employment a failure state—or a systems diagnostic?
Yes, I have failed at gainful employment, so I am a failure, but part of that is a systems diagnostic indicating that there is something broken in the system. For example, I have a 20 year career in cartography/geographic information systems and a 10 year career in user experience design, and I applied for a job as a UX designer for a GIS company.I have a strong resume (I have had others look it over, this is not just my biased opinion), I have multiple articles published in both GIS and UX industry and academic journals. I had an inroad with a person at that company who put in a good word for me. I didn’t even get a call back. That seems relatively broken.
17. How do you reconcile being objectively skilled with feeling professionally invisible?
I have not reconciled this at all.
18. How do you explain that you’re tired without sounding lazy or entitled or broken?
I am so incredibly tired. When I try to explain it to others, I tend to drift towards broken more than anything.
19. What truths become easier to see once the illusion of stability is gone?
Many parts of stability mask how tenuous that stability actually is. Most people don’t realize that they are closer to not be able to make ends meet than they thought.
20. Any prospects?
Not really. I wish I could say otherwise, but there is not really anything on the horizon.
To recap:
Someone tried to scam me this week
She was definitely going to try to get me into doing something with silver futures
This was a guy who wanted me to design a logo for his company
The budget was relatively realistic
His interaction had some odd red flags associated in it
“Just had throat surgery so I cannot have a phone call to interact for the design ideas”
Felt off
Needed to cut a physical check that would get mailed to me because the company wanted the papertrail for filing
Felt off, but some places operate weirdly
For example… maybe if someone’s great uncle is the financial guy, maybe they are hard core old skool for financing
Not completely out of pocket yet, but the hackles… they been raised
Was willing to put half up front and remainder of the balance on delivery of final product… so that was good
Then sent an email saying that they cut and sent the check (or cheque for my commonwealth friends), but…
They accidentally sent about $1500 more on the check than intended, could I just cash the check and send the overage back?
Classic “Overpayment” scam… ugh
Their design brief was pretty solid
Turns out AI can gen up a pretty solid design brief
AI, go figure
Anyways… Scam didn’t work
Makes me grumpy that they targeted a freelance designer and not my grandma in the late 90’s or early 00’s
That being said… commissions are open
Contact me if you want a design, drawing, map, and/or UX work done
Reasonable rates and pretty good quality
Here is a pic I did at the behest of my daughter of a samurai zebra in a mountainous region
I think his name should be Garibaldi-sama the Greater
Capt. Bara at the helm
Here is the pic of Capt Barra a capybara ship captain in the age of sail
Corregidor Island map
Here is a map of Carregidor Island for a family’s vanity project about their family’s history
Anyway… hit me up for a commission or some freelance work
I have availability
Check out the UX portfolio at srhportfolio.net
Imma get my design and illustration portion set up this week
Do the thing with Substack
Or do the thing with Medium if that is more your speed
Have a great week everyone