It's Glandular

The little one has to have sticky sweet secretion glands near the palms of his hands. He can go from having newly clean hands to sticky disgusting mitts of gooiness in 5 seconds flat. In addition to the sticky sweet glands, it seems, he also has ketchup (catsup, ketchup) glands. The ketchup glands seem to only be used when I am wearing clothes that should not meet ketchup. He seems to have ketchup glands near the corners of his mouth as well. I also think his knees actually produce dirt that sloughs down his shins, but that is another blog entirely. Yesterday, whilst eating copious amounts of Tyson brand Chicken Tenders (I think he ate 7 for dinner, and 4 for an after dinner snack, and I think he had 3 for a pre dinner appetizer as well), the little man’s ketchup glands were working overtime. He was frothing at the mouth with Heinz Ketchup. (Just a question, but does this make him a liberal? He is clearly endorsing the Democratic National Party by consuming Heinz Ketchup.) Anyway… the red sauce was literally and figuratively dripping from the corners of his mouth and the tips of his fingers. I can only imagine that it will get worse as he gets older. Needless to say, my shirt and a nice pair of shorts were in turn ruined by the ketchupy paws of a near 2 year old.

It took a good 5 minutes to get the tomato off little man’s face and another good 5 minutes to clean his hands off as well. Then we went to the park. He is his ketchup stained clothes and me in my ketchup stained clothes. Stop judging me. You don’t know, you weren’t there, man! It was all I could do to get everything together for us to get to the park! There was no time to change him. There was no time to change clothes myself! He was a whirling dervish of energy pining to go to the park. What could I do, I barely had time to get a sippy cup ready.

Ummm… anyway, so we went to the park in our ketchup stained clothes and I watched all the professional parents look at me with distaste. Little man had ketchup all over his shirt and a silly grin on his face. I had some ketchup stains on my shirt and little ketchup handprints all over my shorts and the same silly grin on my face. We were so ketchupy, and they judged me for it. They and their kids were all very well kempt. Perfectly clean clothes, immaculately coifed hair, clean clothes on their clean children; everything was perfect. They also did not have silly grins on their faces. In fact some of the parental units did not look to be having any fun at all. Many of the kids were whining about some aspect of their park experience as well. Maybe that is what ketchup stains do, make you have fun. Or maybe it is the inhibition of maintaining perfection that keeps people from enjoying themselves. Either option could hold true, but little man and I had a great time at the park.

So to recap:

Little man shoots sticky goo out his wrists like spiders shoot silk out their asses.
Little man also salivates ketchup. You know when he is hungry by the ketchup dribbling down his chin.
Dolphins emit a series of clicks and whistles to let other dolphins know when they think they are hawt, especially construction worker dolphins.
You have no right to judge me, you weren’t there, man! YOU WEREN’T THERE!!!!
Imperfection is very easy to keep maintained.