Move, and the hippo dies

On the way to lunch yesterday (Mmmmmm Arby’s) the driver of the car I was in mentioned that the hippopotamus does not have any natural enemies. Well… they do now. As God is my witness, I will bring down a fury the likes of which has never been seen by hippo-kind.

Now, I have 2 mortal enemies, 2 favored prey, and 2 animals which need to be exterminated. The number one of this duo is, and will always be, until I get them all… the Yeti. Number Two is now the hippopotamus or hippopotamus amphibious for you biologists out there. Author’s note: Good God, the hippo’s genus species name is really only hippopotamus amphibious? Really original name guys, and the more common name of hippopotamus… where did you come up with that one? Wow, way to put yourselves out on a limb like that.

There is not time in the day now space on the Internet for me to expound upon my distaste for the common yeti, so I will not deign to give them any more thought on this blog. Just know this, you sasquatch wannabes, your days are numbered (most likely in the thousands, but still that is not very long in the grand scheme of things). You know what you did, and you know why I am bringing the fire of my intense hatred to your Himalayan lairs. Do not think for a second that I will let my crusade against the hippo take any of my focus away from you, Wild Man of the Mountain. If you do not want to wait on me… bring it, Hairy! Anytime…. Any place. Make peace with your ancestors, for you will see them soon enough…

Now, Mr. and Ms. Hippo, I will turn my unwavering gaze upon you for the moment. How does that heat feel on your bulbous bodies? Your days of un-mitigated free reign in the African rivers are over. Get used to the pain that I will be bringing, tubby. I know you spend most of the time feeling all buoyant in the water with you tremendous girth, but you are a land mammal, you fat lumbering behemoths! You will have to come out of the water eventually. I will be waiting for you there, Fatso.

I know your attack habits. I know how you pretend to be very docile and nice at zoos, but are really vicious killers. Your problem is that you have the same death dealing tactics on land as you do in the water. I know your ways, Water Horse! Drown victims in the water, trample victims on land. It is the same tactic; you just can’t trample someone to death when they are already drowned. Your tactic boils down to stepping on things until they die. Really original. I will rain death upon you in a variety of ways. You will not know where or when the long sleep will come, but it will. I will deal death out to hippo-kind from above, from below, next to, kind of catty-corner to, a bit to the side of , and far far away. My instruments are scathing sarcasm, knives, guns, spoons, killer bees, and the occasional animal trap. Watch yourself, Hippo. I am coming, and littered behind me will be the corpses of your countless dead.

I am a smart hunter though… I have done my research. I know your habitat and feeding habits. I know that who you are is often measured by the company you keep. A crocodile? Dancing with a crocodile? Really… no one likes crocs. There is even a show about some Aussie guy who hunts them. Dance all you want Hippo-Chick, nothing will save you from my wrath.

To recap:
Hippos have no natural enemies... until now…
Mmmmmm Arby’s, did I mention that Arby’s has this truly evil shake-like desert now. It is all peanut-buttery and chocolaty. MMMM
Many do not consider me natural, so maybe they still don’t have any natural enemies? I will have to think on that.
Yeti, your time has come, and you know why. This number should mean something to you, 4398. Deal with it, Hairy Bitches.