Mind your P's and Q's

Okay, I was at a loss for topics today, so I asked co-workers and friends who read this here blog to ask me some parenting questions. I culled the list to 10 and here we go.

1. In an overcrowded world chock-full of orphans and neglected children looking for homes, what right-thinking person would be so blinded by hard-wired genetics to refuse to forego breeding and just take care of an existing problem? Or, if that sounds to bitter from the man who will never reproduce: What's the worst stain you've been faced with, and what methods did you use to remove the stain?

Hmmmm… there seems to be a bit of emotional baggage associated with you first question. For Wifey and I, adoption is not out of the question. We just haven’t been able to find some rich elderly folks to adopt us. As far as stains, it think it would be Little Man’s poop the morning after he consumed a full pint of blueberries (about half a Liter for you metrics folks). The poop stained his little butt. Time got rid of the stain on his butt. As for the pair of shorts that got hit with the poop, I had to throw them away.

2. Did you always plan on having children or was this something you and "wifey" discussed and agreed upon after marriage?

Having kids was a conversation that Wifey and I had prior to even getting engaged. When people’s views differ on having kids, it is a deal breaker, plain and simple. So, this was discussed and agreed upon prior to engagement, in our case. Turns out that It’s been almost 11 years since we two crazy kids met each other, fell in love, and married, and later went on to realize that our genetic components are incompatible. There is a good chance we should not have had kids. After all, little man did get my food allergies and wifey’s asthma – he’s on the “allergenic march” as the doctors say.. We are glad we did, but….

3. Acceptable methods of discipline are always changing. People used to be able to beat the life out of kid if they were bad, but now people have too many touchy warm feelings for that to be viewed as ok. That being said, public humiliation is out as well; too many feelings could be hurt with long term emotional scars. All that being said, how do you discipline Little Man?

Let’s just say the phrase “Contemplate this on the Tree of Woe” has been uttered

4. Before you had Little Man, did you realize how much your life would change by having him? I know a lot of my friends thought that their lives would pretty much stay the same - can you say delusional?

Yes, I can say delusional. “Delusional.” See? Honestly, I don’t think anyone can truly realize just how much time and effort raising a kid takes, and there is a big reason as to why this is so. Kids can take and take and take. They will take as much as you can give and be left wanting for more. Little Man is like an infinite sponge, and he makes it very hard to ignore him.

5. Do you find yourself saying things to Little Man that your parents said that you swore you would never say to your kids?

So far I have not heard myself say things that my parents said, but I have definitely had some “parentisms.” I have ended up saying things like, “I am not doing this for my health.” And Wifey’s patented, “We do not bite each other’s crotches in this family!”

6. When changing a boys diaper is it easier to just wear some sort of protective head gear or go with the traditional hold the diaper in place and make a quick swap hoping that nothing shoots you in the face?

The first diaper I ever changed for Little Man, his first diaper change ever, he sprayed me really good… drenched me, in fact. We had a long conversation about that on day 1, and he has not done that since. So, I am probably not the right person to ask.

7. Hypothethical question.....if "little man" and a whole vanilla bean cheesecake were sitting on a ledge. both were about to fall in a big pile of mud. NOTE: the ledge is only about 2 foot from the floor, safe to assume "little man" would not be injured from this fall. but both he AND the cheesecake were headed for the mud, which would essential ruin all chances of eating such a sweet treat. if you could only reach for one, which you save from the mud?

The cheesecake gets the save. Vanilla Bean Cheesecake retails at $35 at The Cheesecake Factory. Little Man would merely get muddy while the cheesecake would be destroyed. There is a good chance that if I saved Little Man from a muddy fate initially and watched the cheesecake die an ignoble death, that Little Man would intentionally make a break for the mud anyway. This way I would at least get the cheesecake. We keep a spare set of clothes around for Little Man anyway… Stop judging me.

8. Is having a consistent routine really as important as it seems?

Sweet Mother of God! Yes. It is of monumental importance. Kids need structure and respond well to repetition. Plus, parents need to know when their time of kid interaction is over for the day.

9. Does having a kid of your own make you like other people's children more or less?

Yes, it makes you like other people’s children, more or less…

10. Why do parents always think their kid is sooo much better than all the other kids?

I have no idea why other parents feel that way. Little Man is clearly soooo much better than their ill-mannered, dullard gits.

To Recap:
Thanks for all your questions
If anyone has a question for me and my parenting style, please comment
Do the French really “dip” their sandwiches
Have we gotten over that whole “we’re mad at france thing” or am I having a freedom dip sandwich tonight for dinner
No need to compliment me on my parenting prowess…I gots da mad skilz.