Dihydrogen Oxide

Someone once asked me, “Do you have a personal philosophy?”

And I responded with, “Shut your damn mouth! I. Will. Kill. You. I WILL KILL YOU! You can’t ask me QUESTIONS! I am not beholden TO YOU! Get out of my face! I will gnaw your tiny little head off, AND MAKE A NICE PUDDING FROM YOUR BONES!!! Why are you just sitting there trembling! You brought this upon yourself! You woke the sleeping giant! And this giant’s name is PAIN!!!!!”

Upon further reflection, I felt that maybe the question was not out of line for my therapist to ask. Anyway… so I thought about the question more and more, and realized that as far as personal philosophies go, mine was more of a “physics construct” than a “personal philosophy.”

I found that I am like water. I conform to any container I am placed in… as long as the container is large enough and there are comfortable things within said container to lounge upon. Much like water, I take the path of least resistance. At least I take the path of least resistance when it is convenient for me. I boil over when hot, and when cold I shut down. If by “boil over” one means that I “complain loudly and whine incessantly,” and if by “shut down” one means “carry on like nothing else has happened.” Hmmmm, maybe I am not so much like water after all.

Now I am not sooo full of myself to think that I fill any container that I am placed in, that would be a gas. And no one likes a gassy bastard! The interesting thing about being a liquid, is that the path of least resistance is always downhill. This, for those of you knowledgeable about civil engineering principles, is the exact tenet of sanitation engineering: “Shit flows down hill.” So much like shit I am forever traveling down hill unless I find a pumping station, but downhill is my typical tendency. Due to my wateriness I also tend to avoid hard objects. If I can not easily overcome something with my volume, I will divert and go around.

This leads me to the redefine my personal philosophy.

While I sometimes take the path of least resistance, I also hold a concept near and dear to my heart that I call “economy of motion.” Some people call it “lazy, “but those in the know (me mainly) recognize my ingenuity for not doing things as sheer genius. Sheer raw unadulterated genius. Genius, I tell you. Genius! Ummm… did I mention genius? If not, Genius. Sometimes I will pick things up with my toes instead of bending over to pick them up. Other times I will let Wifey do the picking up, by not even trying. Genius I tell you, Genius. If I had a prehensile tail, I would probably use that instead of my feet or Wifey. Who wouldn’t use a prehensile tail if they had one? Anyone? Anyone?

To Recap:
My head is hurting today
I think it has something to do with allergies
And/or weather
There are tons of holes in the above “logic”
Mainly because I put no though behind it
Prehensile tails would be cool
I am not really like water
Well 50 to 65% of me is very much like water
Man, my head is killing me