From: the Yeti [mailto:the Yeti@xxxxx.xxxxx]
Sent: Tuesday, December 21, 2006 10:58 AM
Subject: RE: Contact
I appreciate the “effort”, but there is no way that our relationship can be reconciled. There is too much hurt and pain in our past for us to ever overcome.
Let’s count a few of the examples: Some of the reasons (but not all of the reasons) SRH hates the yeti:
1. Being pelted with squirrel entrails while performing on stage during the 3 rd grade Christmas play
2. During 5 th grade, the Yeti would steal his lunch money on the walk to school.
3. Being pelted by squirrel entrails while playing soccer
4. Urinating in his canteen during his Boy Scout camping trips
I could have eaten you many times in the past but I have decided to let you plump up some before I make a meal out of you. Soon I will be ripping you limb to limb and enjoying a fine meal. On a side note, you don’t need to work out. Your body is in fine shape. For me to eat.
If you are asking me to let bygones be bygones, maybe you do
not fully understand why I have spent my life plotting against you. Maybe
mommy never told you the story of the yeti….
It was back in the early 60’s and there was a young naïve college student at Kent State. She was very much under the stress that a normal college student experiences. She was also very experimental and was always looking to try something new. One night at a frat party, she had had a little too much to drink and spotted a very attractive, hairy Yeti outside, eating a stray dog. She was of course intrigued and ran outside to talk to the beast. Being the drunk experimental freak she was, she invited the Yeti back to her dorm room and ended up having the greatest night of her life. She immediately became very possessive and started talking about growing old together, so the Yeti bolted out the back door when she fell asleep. Nine months later, I was born. Mom was embarrassed about her drunken rendezvous and dropped me off in the woods to be raised by wolves.
She wanted nothing to do with me. It was at this time she met a new man who wanted to settle down and start a family. They moved to Mississippi and had your full-brother. Then after moving around to dodge me (YES! I found them every time. Stow, Ohio, Albany, New York, Oklahoma City, Oklahoma) you popped out in Oklahoma. Yes SRH, we are half brothers!!!
Mom always loved you more and I will kill you for that.
And if you think I am afraid of Little Man, I am truly not. I do not blame my nephew and I always carry a spare train set in my backpack just in case we meet. Even if he is blood hungry (like his uncle yeti), he will quickly be distracted when I pull that shiny engine out of the backpack. May squirrel entails fall from the sky on you this holiday.
From: SRH [mailto:SRH@xxxxx.xxxxx]
Sent: Tuesday, December 21, 2006 11:20 AM
To: the Yeti
Subject: RE: Contact
I... I.... never
knew. Wow. I really don't know what to say. It does explain your rather short stature for a yeti and your prematurely graying hair though...
Yeti, had I known, I would have made this overture of peace earlier.
Don't make me destroy you. You do not yet realize your importance. You have only begun to discover your power. Join me and I will complete your training. With our combined strength, we can end
end this destructive conflictthese destructive hippos and bring order to the galaxy. Don't tell me, that I’llyou'll never join me! Because if you only knew the power of the Dark Sidehippo slaying. Obi-WanMommy never told youme what appened towith your father. He told me enough! It was you who killed him. No.Yeti, I am your fatherhalf-brother.
Let's call this pointless feud off. I cannot commit fratricide, even if it is mythological fratricide. I will not abide my child hating his half-uncle. I am truly and deeply sorry for the strife between us. Do not hate me because of my mother's love. It really
wasn't all that much to write home about.
Let's let bygones be bygones and eradicate hippo-kind together.
Your brother... well Half-Brother
Now, I only have one enemy.
Onto other matters, here is the Christmas card we sent out this year.
Happy Holidays everyone!
Great! How much Grecian Formula does a Yeti need?
If we team up, you can kiss the Hungry Hungry Hippos good bye
I still need stocking stuffers for Wifey
I am on a quest for last minute train purchases
I had a crab cake sammich for lunch
It was tasty
I will most likely not be posting on Monday for some reason
Have a great weekend and enjoyable holiday (for those observing)