Special Agent?

Even in the off-peak Chuck E Cheese is hell on earth.

This weekend Little Man had a birthday party to go to at the local (notice not low-cal) Chuck E Cheese. The party started at 10:30 am on Saturday and there wasn’t an end time given on the invite. I guess that party could have lasted forever.

Little Man had a great time with the general mayhem that accompanies a trip to “the Cheese,” but his papa was not a happy camper. It was nice for the first hour or so because it was not too terribly busy, but around noon the legions arrived in droves demanding their pizza and their fun.
By the end of my penance for what could only have been some kind of heinous double bludgeoning murder of orphaned nuns by a club made entirely of wet and sick kittens (that is the only crime I can think of that would merit such torturous penance), there was a 3 deep wait for the air-hockey table. Did you know that even if no one scores (best 7 of 12) the game will shut down after 15 minutes of unresolved game play? I did not know that gem of a fact until the 2 kids in front of Little Man and I couldn’t get past 3 to 2 for 15 minutes. 15 minutes of frustratingly unproductive puckwork later and Little Man and I were air-hockeying. 2 scores later Little Man said, “I am done with this” and put his puck-hitting-thingy on the table and walked away. I mentioned that I was in Hell, correct?

The whole time I was in this experience I could not help but remember a career day that was held at my high school whilst I was young, vibrant, and significantly less cynical.

…Cue wavy transition with ethereal music…

The man was there telling us about the FBI. That is right, the Federal Bureau of Investigation. He told us about all the cool stuff that the FBI did such as hunting down fugitives, stopping terrorists both international and domestic, defeating organized crime, etc… He went through all the requirements that must be met to place the title “Agent” in front of your last name. College education, background check, rigorous physicals, etc… and 2 years full time employment doing something professional.

We asked Agent Johnston what his 2 years full time experience was. Was he a cop? Did he work in investment banking? Just what did this highly qualified individual do prior to making or country safer from threats domestic and abroad? He hemmed and hawed about what his experience was, and that it really did not matter what the employment was, just as long as it was full time for 2 years straight. So he was not a cop. Did he work in a warehouse? Was he a construction worker? A legal aid? A file clerk? A mail room employee for a corporation? Again he attempted to focus us on the letter of the requirement more than the type of job.

He almost broke down when he sullenly informed us of his previous full time employment. It turns out that Agent Johnston spent a full 2 years at a Chuck E Cheese as the Big Cheese himself. I wonder how Agent Johnston got the crap assignment of a high school career fair. I can only imagine that his colleagues and direct supervisors decided that Agent Chuck E Cheese would be perfect for the crap assignments.

…Cue wavy transition with ethereal music…

The only thing more akin to the actual fire and brimstone of the legendary hell would be a Chuck E Cheese in Akron, Ohio.

To recap:
Chuck E Cheese is an evil place inhabited by demons
Starting on some holiday themed 20 Questions Tuesdays tomorrow
I think it will take a week or so of ice and snow on the ground for the local drivers to get used to snow and ice again
I have work that I am ignoring at the moment
I need to get back to that stuff
And soon
Listening to “The Pretender” by the Foo Fighters.