So last week was a holiday of gluttony, and that means that there is a period post-holiday that required to recover from the holiday… or as I have coined it the Holiday Hangover (editor’s note: someone else might have coined this phrase, but I am claiming it for the purpose of this blog). So I have decided to make the topic all about the Holiday Hangover. More explanation, you ask?

Okay… here we go: After a holiday there is always a down period where one has to re-insert themselves into the drudgery of their everyday life. Where the holiday is known to be in amazing technicolor, it is now time to go back into the grey drudgery of everyday life… Ergo the phrase “Holiday Hangover.”

Thanks this week go to ICYellow, Lord Pithy, Capt. McArmypants, Dr B-Dawg, Reilly Brown, Chris Ring, and Some Other Guy … onto the questions:

1. Mr. Expert, does Holiday Hangover include a time warp zone? It appears to speed up during days off and then crash to a halting snail’s pace come Monday.

I hardly consider myself an expert as much as I consider myself a trendsetter. Perception is an odd beast, and I do think that time is more variable than people give it credit. I have often asserted that the flow of time is not strictly a straight line un-wavering propagation, but more of a non-linear looping and vacillating stream of time.

2. Why? Oh, why?

Because. Oh, why not?

3. “Hair of the dog” is the accepted cure for a regular hangover. What is the cure for this holiday hangover?

Tinsel of the Tree, Gravy of the Boat, Bow of the Gift… Not sure which one works best, but I am leaning toward Gravy of the Boat. Please weigh in.

4. Why was I born beautiful instead of rich?

Not sure what this has to do with the Holiday Hangover, but I will play ball. You are deluded, however, relatively correct. Whislt not being exceptionally comely, and no where near beautiful, you are clearly not rich, by any means.

5. I don’t really care about the food of Thanksgiving. Shouldn’t I be allowed to trade turkey for another day off?

Thanksgiving is more than just turkey. It is ham… it could be prime rib? Don’t limit yourself to seasonal fowl.

6. Actually, I’m excited to come back to work. Is that normal?

No… you are not normal, and this factoid is merely more confirmation of this fact.

7. Is the Holiday Hangover transition made more difficult for you when you factor in Christmas is right around the corner? I mean is it really worth getting back up to speed since you will shift gears in a mere 31 days?

Nope, ask any drunkard, the best way to get rid of an actual hangover is to get drunk again. So, the best way to get over the Holiday Hangover is to have another fete d’holiday (faux Francais pour la gagner)

8. Did you gluttonize to the extent that your body was rebelling and begging for a sensible meal or time it perfectly to where you want one more treat before going back to an appropriate adult diet?

Not anymore. That is the old 35 year old me. I now just eat to where I am pleasantly uncomfortable, which allows me to keep that level of uncomfortable fullness for a day or two. This year, since we didn’t cook everything on our own, there was not a chance to overfill on the leftovers.

9. Do you get Holiday Hangovers after summer holidays or just the winter ones?

Since most summer holidays are a little less food based, the Holiday Hangover tends to be a bit less. That and summer holidays don’t have the childhood carryover since one doesn’t have to steel themselves to immediately go back to school. There is less of a cultural history of Holiday Hangover associated with the summer holidays.

10. Is there a cure?

Time is the only cure.

11. What was the last Holiday Hangover that came with an actual hangover?

Wow… I would say it needs to go back to maybe 10 years ago or so? I don’t remember exactly, but that probably means that I got seriously ripped up that holiday.

12. After how many meals do the leftovers no longer invoke holiday cheer?

2

13. Cyber-Monday. Really?

Preceded directly by Spam Email Sunday. I got so many trash emails on Sunday. I think that Cyber-Monday is short-sightedly ephemeral. It should last for more than a day because it needs to be at least a week.

14. How long before the Christmas spirit sets in?

From Thanksgiving? About .2 seconds… It’s the most wonderful time of the year…

15. Instead of holiday office parties, why can’t we just go home quicker?

Less traffic? Higher speed limits? Not sure I follow exactly… Just kidding, I think you mean “earlier.” Yes, one should be able to jet earlier instead of hanging with the work doofusses

16. It is 65 degrees here with bright blue sky and green grass, so suck it grey drudgery. I guess that is not a question. Actually, this imperative is part of the Occupy movement. Consider your blog now occupied with imperatives until their vague non-demand demands are specifically met. Respond.

I hate you with green billious envy, jerkface.

17. How many times did you hit the “Snooze” button on Monday?

Well…. I didn’t hit the snooze button as much as re-set the alarm for much later.

18. Is marshmallow vodka a good idea, because it seemed like a good idea at the time?

Marshmallow vodka is quite possibly not a good idea ever. In fact I would go so far to say that it is an Absolut Bad Idea.

19. Should they make a Hangover 3: Holiday Hangover to try and revitalize the sophomore slumping franchise?

Oh, God, No! They should apologize for Hangover 2 and let someone else create a new comedy that is actually funny instead of trying to capture lightning in a bottle… again.

20. Worst Holiday Hangover ever?

To tell the truth, Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day, you threw it away. this year, to save me from tears, I’ll give it to somebody special… special…
uh, where was I? Oh yes, Last year was particularly bad because I had no vacation hours and for the week between Christmas and New Year’s I was at work… alone.

To recap:
The gut was feeling really nastily this morning
Ant-Acids didn’t help much
There was a constant cloud around me like pigpen from the peanuts
Sadly it was not a dust cloud
Wifey thought about kicking me out of the house last night, if only for the fresh air
I have work I need to do
Sadly, it is at Job 2 that I have so much work that needs to be done
I am at Job 1 right now, with minimal boring tasks to do
I am completely over my Holiday Hangover
Suck it, Thanksgiving!
Your wonderful vacation/holidayness holds no power over me!
Oh, why? oh, why? Have you forsaken me Thanksgiving?
I need another hit of mashed potatoes
Have a great week, folks