Saaaaaay Cheese

Cheese is the crutch of most mediocre cooking. Don't have enough flavor, throw some cheese on it. I truly believe that cheese is the miracle ingredient that un-imaginative cooks consistently rely on. Cheese will make it better, I am sure of it. I will put a cheese topping on this casserole. Why?!?!? A good meal should not have to involve cheese, but in the US cheese seems to be a necessity of every freaking meal. And not good cheeses, either, usually crappy-assed American cheese. Because we, as Americans, have to support our cheese, even though it is crappy-ass-tastin-licious. The worst offender of the "It has to have cheese on it to be an entree" mentality is Everybody's favorite neighbor Applebee’s. The will melt cheese on steak! Steak! Do you hear me? Steak!

Now, don't go thinking that I do not condone the judicious use of cheese. I do not want the US Dairy Council Illuminati to be stuffing a sock in my mouth while I sleep and abducting me to their secret cheese torture facility in Kenosha, Wis. Although, I am afraid that I know too much already. I think that cheese is a very good food stuff, it just should not be on everything. Every pre-packed kids lunch in the grocery store has cheese in it. Most frozen dinners, cheese. Cheese has its place at the table. Some pastas require cheese, but please use Parmesan Oregiano, not Kraft Parmesan cheese from the green canister. Or use a good provolone, asiago, Gouda, something other than Swiss or American.

On a side note, anyone who says they like goat cheese is lying. They just want you to eat so they don't feel so silly for eating it themselves. "This is the best goat cheese I have ever had," is not a ringing endorsement. "This is the least smelly dog-shit I have ever stepped in." It is all relativity, baby "I am the coolest of all my friends," still not saying much.

Back to the matter at hand... Caesar salad requires cheese. Philly Cheesesteak sandwich requires cheese. Pizza requires cheese. Breakfast, however, does not require cheese. But, Sweet God Almighty, don't ask wait staff to not put cheese on something. The looks I get from waiters and waitresses when I ask for stuff without cheese.

"Really, sir, 'no cheese.'"
"Yes, no cheese."
"No, Really?"

And, it is even worse today, due to the low-carb insanity. Carbs are filler, and now cheese is as well.

Kraft singles ain't cheese. Kraft singles is at best cheese flavored grease with a threshold for an acceptable amount of insect pieces. Squeeze cheese, ain't cheese. (God, I hope no one tries to argue that one.) Cheese should just not be "squeezable." Even people who like it know that spray cheese ain't cheese. And don't even get me started about Velveta. That is some mysterious stuff. "It's really easy to melt." Well, so are candles, but I don't try to make people eat them.

and finally, even worse, ... I do not want your artificial curdled milk product ruining my meal, so, please, Wendy's, leave off the cheese sauce (worse than cheese by far). Why do your mushrooms have to come with hideous "cheddar" cheese sauce? I would rather eat my tortilla chips plain, than that glop they throw next to it that they call "nacho cheese" at sporting events.

Stupid cheese