Its short and green, what more do you want?

It is done, it is over with, it is finished. That’s right the unkempt yard that has been a thorn in my side for far too long has finally been mowed. It has been 3 long weeks since the grass was cleanly shorn, and the veritable jungle that was the back yard was in great need of trimming. One might ask, “Why, good blogger sir, did you wait so terribly long to cut your grass?” I would respond in kind…

“Shut up! That’s why!” But in truth there are some good reasons for not having mowed our abode’s greenscape. These reasons basically are due to inclement weather, time of day, lack of childcare coverage, and/or lack of “mow-tivation.” Get it? “Mow-tivation?” It is a pun, instead of motivation I replaced the first syllable “mo” with the homophonic monosyllabic word, “mow” which is a verb meaning… you guessed it, to cut one’s lawn. I slay me.

Firstly, to the weather portion of my excuse for not mowing… Most of the time when I actually had the energy and time and child coverage to actually make the grass shorter, it would be raining or just have finished raining. Now after a certain amount of time, one would just suck it up and mow in the rain. One would do this, of course, if one did not happen to have an electric mower. Extension cords, electric mowers, electricity, rain, and little old me are not a good combination. The second it seriously starts to threaten rain, my scared little ass is going no where near the electric mower. I do not want to make the News of the Weird for sheer stupidity.

Secondly, I have been working my lack of ass off at work the last 2 weeks. This takes me away from home on the weekends and during the days. Being gone that much time only leaves night time to mow the lawn. I don’t know why, but there is something unholy about mowing in the dark. It is just intrinsically wrong. Wrong down to the molecular level. Makes the hair stand up on your arms wrong. It is a slippery slope to go from mowing at night to hacking up hobos and burying them in the back yard, and that is a slope I want no part of.

Thirdly, lack of childcare is a big obstacle when wanting wow, did I just type “wanting?” I really meant “needing.” I do not think I will ever “want” to mow the yard … er… needing to cut the grass, especially when said child is an almost 2 year old. Little man is an energetic cuss, and has found ways to get into many, many things that he really should not have figured out how to get into. I do not trust him enough to leave him inside the house alone for the 30 minutes it takes to accomplish the task of mowing. The house simply would not survive the torment that is the little man. Now, additionally, I can not bring this immensely curious little one outside for the great chance that his nickname would become “Stumpy” due to the “Mowing Incident of Aught 5.”

Fourthly and finally, I just plain hate mowing grass. I cannot stand it. I find it to be a repetitive chore that is only done because that is what society deems appropriate. I grew up allergic to grass, but I still had to cut the shit then as well. I have always absolutely abhorred the mowing of the greens, but society demands homeowners to not only have lawns, but to also keep them neat and tidy. I just absolutely cannot stand cutting grass. I do not like the smell of freshly shorn yards. I do not like the feel of the cut grass under my feet. I hate you cutting grass! Damn you lawn mowing, DAMN YOU TO HELLLLL!!!!!!! Umm, where was I?

To recap:
The lawn is nice and clean, so stop your bitching, you whiney assed neighbors you!
I really like spaghetti made with ground pork instead of ground beef.
Water and electricity is a no-no.
My wife absolutely loves cherry season.
Mowing at night is not only weird, it is wrong and evil, and will damn you to the deepest parts of Hell.
Little man woke up around 5:30 this morning.
The New Adventures of Winnie the Pooh suck ass.
If given the chance, the little man could reduce our house to rubble faster than a tornado with a head start.
I feel better now.