No Shame

There is a bunch to talk about today so, sit up straight, pay attention, and get ready.

Number 1: As Wifey so eloquently put it on Thursday evening concerning my parents… “There is no shame in their game.” My parents are insanely proud of their cheapness. As the parental units (PU’s) were showing me the “desk” for the first time, my dad gleefully showed me the price they paid for it. The desk was a whopping $2.98. If my dad were even remotely street he would yell out a big old, “Boo Yah! Bitch! How do you like them duckets?!” That would have been enjoyable, instead I got an, “It was only 3 dollars.” By the way, the “antique” desk was built using dry wall screws and pressure treated lumber. I am not sure whether it was a Louis XXIV or merely Bauhaus, but it was a steal at 3 bucks. Anyway… the PU’s are touting the fact that they were able to find some crap for 3 dollars. Great job guys, I have some burnt twigs and sticks that I would like to sell you as well.

The thing that I need to take away from this is that my parents were not trying to hood wink us. They were not trying to pass off some cheap crap as not cheap crap. They were in fact proud of their ability to reduce the potential price of a gift to 3 dollars regardless of whether it was family or friends or co-workers or whatever. They were just pleased as punch to be walking away from the gift giving process only 3 dollars down.

What I am taking away from this though is an entirely different matter. What I have gathered from this is that my partents live in some odd version of Earth that nobody else can see. A place where “Up” is “Down” and “Down” is “Red.” It isn’t just Opposite World… that would make things too easy (“too pointy” in the PU lingo). Worth, to my parents, is not measured by how much one makes or how much one contributes to society or how happy one is, it is measured by how little one can spend. The advice that Wifey got about which gift to get for a newborn gift was “Get the cheaper one.”

Background story: My parents used to own a 1970 Metallic Forest Green Chevrolet Kingswood Station wagon. They finally put the wagon out to pasture in 2002 by “trading” it to a butcher for 2 porter house steaks. From about 1990 through 2002 the thing leaked oil. Every 3 days the parents would have to put in a quart of oil (started out at 1 a week and got more frequent as time went on) and every month they had to get the darned thing tuned up. So if we take just an average quart of oil being $1.50 and I know the tune ups cost $40, they spent around $8000 to keep a car that did not have air conditioning (did I mention they live in Alabama), no radio, and vinyl seats running. Keep in mind, this car was paid off in 1973. You see, to the PU’s, it makes more sense to spend $8000 over a period of 12 years to keep a car that is not worth $500 running, than to spend $5000 over a period of 3 years for a solid used car that is usable.

Another background story: My parents have bought 15 $5 phones from so cheap discount dollar tore kind of place. Each time they complain about how those particular phones don’t last very long. If they just got a $25 phone…

Number 2: The actors in the commercials for the KFC Snacker sandwich have got to be 3 foot tall. Due to their miniature stature they make the sandwich look almost like a normal sized sandwich. It turns out that the sandwich that only costs 99 cents is, in fact, the size of 3 quarters, 2 dimes, and 4 pennies. It is a tiny tiny sammich. Tasty, but itty bitty.

Number 3: Thomas the Train is made of crack cocaine. Little man got a Thomas the train set for his birthday and since getting it, he has wanted to do nothing but sit in the middle of the track and push the train around in circles. Yesterday we had a tantrum because we made him go eat instead of playing with the train. We are just waiting for the nervous twitch to start and the selling off of his other toys to get one more car… “I just need a Henry the Engine, and them I will quit, I swear. Just one more car…”

Number 4: Just put the house on the market today as well as put a bid on another house. For all of you out there that do not know this… showing a house while parenting a 2-year-old is a bitch. If we had made all the changes that we just recently did to make the house saleable, I am not sure we would want to be selling.

To recap:
“There is no shame to their game.”
3 Duckets, Biotch!
The Snacker is a tiny, yet tasty sandwich
Thomas the Train is my child’s only weak point. I take that thing away, and he is putty
Realty sucks
One can keep a house only so clean with a youngun