For those of you in the States (and maybe North America in general), as far as greeting cards go you have 2 main options. These options are Hallmark and Carlton Cards (otherwise referred to as “American Greetings). Sure there are discount card shops out there, and one can always find things that have been printed in color on a heavier card stock weight product at the grocery store, but for “quality” there really are only 2 main players. Hallmark is the gold standard in greeting cards. I did not know this for a fact until I had to purchase Wifey’s birthday cards at a crappy-assed Carlton Cards shop. Sure there was a Hallmark Gold Crown store in the same mall but it was all the way on the other end of the mall. I think in this particular mall that was .5 miles away (just over .8 km away) and I am lazy. I had already shown Wifey how much I loved her with the purchase of pants and the reservations to Fujiyama, I did not think the difference between the card shops warranted the trek cross mall.

How. Wrong. I. Was.

I went to the Carlton Cards store and perused their cards. Their humor (humour, for those of you speaking the Queen’s English) section of birthday cards could have been passed over if not clearly labeled “Humor.” The cards just weren’t funny. I guess if your paragon of “humor” is a fat orange tabby, then these are the cards for you. The punch line to all of their cards was something to the effect of “Cause you are a year older! Ha!” Very clever, American Greetings. Very clever indeed. How the greeting card writers came up with such insipidly boring cards was absolutely stunning. The cards that were for women’s birthdays focused on weight gain, beefcakes, or shopping. Men’s birthday cards were centered around hot chicks, beer, and golf. If you want to study stereotypes, just look at Carlton Card’s greeting cards. You see, women like to shop and men like beer. At least the shop did not have things sectioned off by ethnicity. Or maybe it is too bad they didn’t. Anyway… I waded through the myriad of humorless drivel and found a passably funny card that did not involve a fat cat.

Then I started looking for those saccharinely sweet cards that only lovey dovey couple give to each other. Wifey likes those cards. Go Figure. So I start looking through the cards and I cannot find any cards that adequately describe my love for Wifey (how is that for kissing up?). There are some that come close but they are so insanely Christianity focused that I found them to be a bit tasteless. I do not need to give a card to Wifey professing my undying love for her that has a crucifix on it. That is just not necessary. While I am not denying the fact that some supreme power gave Wifey a quick rap on the head to discombobulate her sense of reasoning where I was concerned, I do not need to remind her of this fact… ever. If she comes to her senses, I am toast. I don’t need a heavy piece of paper with pictures of a dandelion blowing in the wind to remind her how she married beneath her do to some almighty being’s influence. It is a tight rope I am walking here.

To Recap:
Carlton Cards suck
So does Garfield
Next time I am hiking it all the way to Hallmark
Do not tell your significant other that you “made do” with any cards
That did not go over so well
House is back on the market
Having dinner with the ‘rents this evening
Work is crazy right now
Man, am I stressed
Did I mention “Stress”
Err... I meant “STRESSSS”