Pet Peeve

If one gets specific, one seems insane when one mentions one’s pet peeves. Global pet peeves are all fine and dandy. I can’t stand tardiness. A pet peeve of mine is racism. I cannot stand people who are mean. I think everyone can get behind those “pet peeves” without thinking the person who spoke them to be completely bat-shit crazy or worthy of wearing a boot on their head. Global bad manners are easy to mention as pet peeves, because there is no harm in doing so. No one is taking a chance when they say, "I can’t stand people who drive erratically." Well, duh, we all hate bad drivers. Yes, yes, fingernails down a chalkboard is really annoying, but what really gets you going.

When people talk about their true pet peeves, and not the crap that everyone agrees with, their eyes get wide, their pulse quickens, they talk faster, and you can see them getting visibly agitated by the thought of their pet peeve. It is quite enjoyable to get someone really talking about their pet peeves. It is interesting to see what really gets someone’s goat. There is no way for anyone to state their true pet peeves without looking absolutely nuts.

Recently, Wifey had the pleasure of filling out a biographical questionnaire. One of the last questions one that questionnaire was “What is one of your pet peeves?” I was privy to seeing some of the responses of the other people who had to answer this bio. They mentioned bad drivers, and tardiness, and other global pet peeves. Way to put yourself on the line there people. Wifey’s answer is more real (for lack of better wording). She stated that her pet peeve was “People who chew with their mouths open – I know, I should just get over this one, but I don’t seem to be able to. Just close your mouth already!”

Way to go Wifey! Not only is she correct, people who chew with their mouths open are damned annoying, but she also laid something out there for all to see. So, in my ever increasing need to be truthful to you, my blog readers, I feel it necessary to come clean about some of my pet peeves. Here are 10 of the things that really irk me.

1. People who leave the lid up on a copying machine. Good Lord people! Do you like it when copies are nice and fuzzy due to the inordinate amount of dust on the glass, you bunch of jackasses.

2. People who have “Dale Earnhardt #3 with wings” stickers on their cars. Why? Dale, Why?!?!!? He died too young! Sweet mother of God and all that is Holy, the man died 5 years ago. Let it go, you did not know the man. He was not the people’s champion; he was a NASCAR driver for cripes sake! Not a Saint to be revered.

3. People who don’t shut their damned mouth! You slack jawed yokels make me want to shut your frikkin’ mouths for you. Freaking mouth-breathing troglodytes! You might as well be walking with your knuckles dragging the ground saying, “Derrr, Ummm, me like me some soup real good.”

4. People who I do not know striking up conversation with me from the neighboring bathroom stall. Listen, I am here for one reason, and one reason alone, and it isn’t to make friends. I am here to excrete wastes and wash my hands before I leave for someplace less ass-smelling. I do not know you, nor do I want to know you while I am on the pooper or standing at the urinal.

5. People I do know striking up conversations with me from the neighboring bathroom stall. Listen, I can “chat” with you about the weather or the most recent sporting event of consequence when I am not trying in vain to leave the smell of ass behind me. (get it? Leave the smell of ass behind me? Oh, I slay me.)

6. Pretty much people chatting in the bathroom. The bathroom is a facility for the deposit of human wastes, not a conversation pit. Sure there are places to ensure sanitary conditions post waste evacuation, but the primary reason for bathrooms to exist is to make human waste go away, not chat about current events.

7. Did I mention anything about talking to/around/near me in a bathroom setting? Oh, yeah, 4 though 6. Never mind, but it does really get my ire up.

8. I mean it really ticks me off, and the worse thing about it is that I have to be all polite and respond back in an appropriate manner, e.g. not flinging poo at the offending chatser.

9. Co-workers who read this blog and now think it will be amusing to follow me into the bathroom to start up a conversation. There is a sink there, and I will fling poo. My hands will clean much faster than your shirt.

10. People who collect Precious Moments figurines. Not so much of an “anger” pet peeves as much as an “abject fear” pet peeve. You people scare the shit out of me. Weird-ass Christian precursor to Japanese Anime.

Ummm, I think I may have overstated the whole don’t talk to me in the bathroom thing, but I think you get my point.

To Recap:
Everyone hates bad drivers, even bad drivers (although they think the other people are worse)
Not everyone hates people who strike up conversations in the loo
I do
But I am not bat-shit insane
No really
Just ask me
But not when I am in the bathroom
The fam is traveling to Chicago next week, for the whole week
Anyone know much about Chi-town’s anti-allergen eating establishment?