Toaster Oven

So where the Hell did the toaster oven go?!?! Now, I am not one to vehemently complain about barbaric office conditions in the land of cubes, but this has gone too far. Too far I say!

I hate eating lunches at the office. I abhor the whole process of nuking something in the microwave so I can slop down some craptastic “meal” just so I can make it to dinner. Lunch in the office always sucks. Always. The only times it does not just absolutely blow is when I can finagle myself into a lunch meeting where lunch is provided.

At least that was the case until they brought in the toaster oven. Ah, the glorious toaster oven. An oft maligned and misunderstood piece of kitchen equipment. It works like an electric oven, but it is small enough that you do not have to worry about preheating. It is a wonderfully glorious device that browns and crisps frozen food while cooking it all the way through. Instead of getting from a frozen stick to a floppy eggroll in 5 minutes, I got crispy wonderful tasty Asian morsels in 15 minutes. Instead of getting rubbery French bread pizzas that taste like soggy pieces of cardboard, I got a toasty delectable French bread pizzas that tasted like firmer, non set out in the rain pieces of cardboard. Anyway… the machination of my bearable frozen lunches is now gone. Gone I tell you…. Gone

I do not care who says that Lean Pockets now have a crispier flakier crust. They can go straight to Hell, those lying bastards! Those microwave foodstuffs can not hold a candle to a frozen burrito lovingly brought to its gooey warm pinnacle by the workhorse toaster oven. I cannot help it if the other employees of the company did not understand how the toaster oven worked or how much better it was than their gimme-my-crappy-food-now-now-now microwave. You stopped the warm embrace of the toaster oven to my eggrolls by turning it off thinking the egg rolls were done and no one was watching them. I did not complain, even though I was constantly checking on them. You always thought something was burning whenever I turned on the toaster oven, but that fragrance you were detecting was a direct result of a little something called “cooking.”

They have taken my toaster oven away, and now I must sink to the level of a common grad student. Easy Mac it is…

To Recap:
Microwaves heat food by twisting water molecules back and forth and having those water molecules rub against one another to experience a molecular form of "friction"
Toaster ovens heat food because the heating element in the oven starts to glow red-hot, much like a conventional electric oven, the way God intended
I think I must have a tapeworm
I am stunningly hungry and I just ate lunch
I was hungry yesterday immediately after eating lunch
What’s up with that?
And what was up with Spain losing to France?