20 Questions: 30 - Exercise

Today’s 20 Questions revolve around the idea of exercise. Thanks this week go to Belsum, JACoppinger, the Em, ZingerZapper, Atmikha, and JW.

Disclaimer: Exercising is an absolute necessity for me. My joints necessitate a certain level of maintenance. I have a degenerative condition on my left knee that activates when I am woefully out of shape. This injury is due to my left leg overcompensating for my right leg’s crappy assed knee. I have hyper-extended the right knee on multiple occasions. I have strained the medial-collateral ligaments on my left knee. The degenerative condition on my left knee was stated to me as “patella-femoral agitation,” where basically my left knee-cap slams into my femur when I straighten my leg (unless I have been strengthening my leg, so it won’t occur: ergo the exercising). I have a bad ankle and a worse ankle. I can dislocate my right shoulder at Will (Will hates this). My elbows have a bit of hyper flexion. Finally, I am generally one of the poppiest, creakiest, crunchiest people I have ever met. Maintenance exercise is an absolute must for me, and at the tender age of 32, I really need to start paying serious attention to my skeletal/muscular health issues.

All that being said, I absolutely hate exercising. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it. I have mentioned before, and I will again. I. Hate. Exercising.

To the questions!

1 Does Tetris count as exercise?
Sadly, for some it is their only form of exercise. Does it elevate the heart-rate? Yes, as the levels fly by and the game speeds up there is definitely a bump in the heart rate. Does it keep the heart-rate elevated for more than 15 minutes? If one is very good at it, then “yes.”

2 What time of your life were you in the best shape and why?
It is a tie between High School and College. In HS I was in better cardio-vascular fitness due to HS Soccer, but in college a combination between the Club fencing team at Kent State and the group of guys I was lifting with, I was in better strength conditioning shape.

3 Health clubs vs home gyms vs exercise DVDs?
This is a matter of personal preference. I think I would like an exercise room in the house of my dreams, because I don’t really like people when I am exercising. As it is, a health club/gym seems to be the best bet for me. Exercise DVD’s are too easy to stop.

4 What’s your favorite aerobic activity that you’re totally embarrassed to admit you even know about?
That I know about? hmmmm… as long as we all understand that it is not something I have done, but that I merely know of its existence. I would have to say the “exerslide” or “bodyslide.” The fun of Olympic speed skating in your living room!

5 How come extreme runners always die of heart attacks?
That is a really good question. I think it has to do with the fact that they can wax eloquent about their “runner’s high” and “how good running makes them feel.” They tend to like running and they also tend to tell others how much it helps their life. Basically it is a Karma thing. I hate exercising, and that hate will sustain me for a long bile filled life. Stupid happy runners!

6 Did the devil invent sit-ups?
Yes. Sit-ups are the exercise of the The Dark One. Old Scratch likes crunches. Lucifer is known for his six-pack. Mephistopheles has a washboard. El Diabloà El Abdominal. I abhor ab workouts. Can’t stand them. All incarnations. All of them. Hate them.

7 Large women in spandex at the gym – your opinion?
Large anyone in spandex anywhere is really a no-no. Spandex as an outer covering for anyone is a questionable offense.

8 No pain no gain, or: “screw it, I’m watchin’ the tube!”
I am not much for pain. If it hurts whilst doing it, it stops getting done. Sadly, this does not apply to pain 30 minutes post exercising, and especially does not apply to pain 2 days after exercising. I do love me some tube watching though…

9 Weights or Cardio?
I do both. At least 30 minutes of cardio and then I head to the weights. The light weights, I just ran for 30 minutes people. Give me a break.

10 Stupidest exercise machine on the planet?
The exercise gliders/rockers/riders that hit the market in the mid 90’s. Those things are horrid. You cannot sit your way to a better health. I don’t think anyone is making them anymore, but you can find them at thrift stores and ebay aplenty (“just like new!”). I remember the commercials though… Bunch of in-shape women dry-humping exercise equipment. Oddly, when I worked at NordicTrack, we never sold one of their rocker machines to a guy. Were they mis-marketed or was it marketing genius?

11 Do you think it's possible for the people who really hate to work out to ever find a way to get in shape that they like?
I do believe there are exercises out there for everyone. Alas and alack, I have not found mine, unless World or Warcraft is considered “exercise.”

12 Why do you hate working out so much? Maybe it will explain why I hate it so much.
I hate working out because I find that I feel like I should be doing something better with my time. You know, like rearranging my sock drawer. I am not able to remove myself from the task at hand when I am exercising. When I am on the elliptical, I am acutely aware of time passing rather slowly. People who enjoy exercise, often lose themselves in the exercise and are surprised when they are finished. I have not found an exercise where I could do that. Exercise should be like a good movie. It should transport you away from your life for a short amount of time. If the exercise you are doing does not “take you away” it is more of a laborious chore than a past-time.

13 If you could repeatedly run over (on the bike) or stampede (while on the eliptical) any person’s body parts who would they be and what body part would you choose?
Sadly exercise bikes and ellipticals don’t move, so the person and their body parts could easily get away.

14 Do you glimpse at other fitness addicts (much like yourself) and compare your muscles?
Number 1: I am not an addict. I really could walk away from exercise really easily.
Number 2: I don’t compare myself to anyone whilst at the gym. I am incomparable.

15 Whatever happened to those gorgeous spandex, thong unitards? Man, they should bring those back. Nothing inspires like shiny fat rolls.
For laughs, you should do a Google image search on “unitard.”

16 If you were a knight, how would you train, and for how long every day?
I would do the elliptical with my cuirass, greaves, gauntlets, bevor, and sallet for at least 1 hour a day, then I would swing cinder blocks around on chains for another 30 minutes. Then I would spar with a dragon. Who wouldn’t want to spar with a dragon? If I were a knight that would be my job, so it could take up most of the day. No sit-ups though…

17 Why can't achieving and maintaining a "socially acceptable" body type-according to Men's Health, and Cosmopolitan magazines be easier?
Because our society is set up for convenience, and convenience is easy. Exercise, on the other hand, is not easy.

18 Why is it necessary for women to spend more time on their appearance going to exercise than their actual workout (That is, if they're really working out to begin with) -courtesy of the lovely wife
Honestly, I don’t understand that either, but I am partnered up and have been for a long time. After college, there are few places that people can really meet these days. I would assume that people who are getting all duded up for the gym are going for mate finding as well as exercise.

19 Why do I want to eat EVERYTHING that's HORRIBLE for me AFTER a workout?
Because you have earned it! What is the point of exercising if not to allow oneself to indulge in fatty goodness?

20 Worse form of torture to you during gym class- the wall peg things you had to pull yourself up with, or the rope that hung from the ceiling?
I was never able to do either, so I hated them both. Hated.

To recap:
I am sore today
Badly sore
Okay, not that bad, but I am still sore
Maybe I will do some sit-ups tonight
Maybe I won’t
Yeah, I won’t
Thinking about sit-ups is enough
Good thinking, Papa! (I love getting validation from a 3.6 year old)
Speaking of in-shape women dry-humping exercise equipment (Question 10), isn’t that what guys loved about ESPN 2 in the mornings in the ‘90’s?
I could watch a replay of Sportcenter, or I could watch these women exercise... hmmmm
What to do? What to do?
R.I.P. Maggie Moo’s in Columbus
Hippos reek from the odor of fear and the stink of destiny