It is very difficult to smash a spider with a newborn baby in your arms. Let’s just say that it is a difficult position to be in. Can we all at least agree on that?

I mean, your agility is more than cut in half. Newborn babies have rather floppy heads and little tiny necks that cannot support the massive weight of their own noggin. That lack of nogginal support means that unless you have the neck of said newborn supported, the head will bob and swing around like a wrecking ball. All your spider killing instincts honed over years of dispatching arachnids have to be reined in. You cannot leap into the air and send a final blow to a spider using a papered palm slap and some tarantella foot work. Baby’s head would be bouncing around like a rubber ball in a pogo stick factory… (admittedly that is a pretty weak analogy).

Further compounding this decreased agility is the fact that you should not attempt to kill the spider WITH the newborn baby in your hands. A newborn baby is not a reliable weapon. I am going to repeat this to help it set in, this time in all caps, ‘cause it’s ‘portant. A NEWBORN BABY IS NOT A RELIABLE WEAPON. I feel that a list is the best way to demonstrate all the weaknesses associated with newborns as weapon.

  • Aforementioned weak neck with heavy noggin
  • Soft spot on skull
  • Poor hand-eye coordination
  • Lack of battle cry
  • No teeth
  • Propensity to sleep
  • 6 to 9 pounds of whoop-ass is not that impressive (unless it is concentrated in thrown cat form)

See? Newborns just are not the killing machines you are looking for. A rolled up piece of paper would do better.

To recap:
Wifey, Q, and Little Man are all doing well
I am not as sleep deprived as I would have thought
But maybe that is a sign of sleep deprivation
Her 1 week check up was stellar
She is gaining weight like a champ
A champ that has stopped fighting
And is eating like he was still training
By “She” I mean Q, not Wifey
Can I get a “Welcome back” from the crowd?
20 Questions Tuesday triumphantly returns tomorrow