Fewer things look so intimidating and yet fail to deliver on their threat than the “claw” staple remover. I mean look at them, they are rather scary looking. They got big gnashing teeth meant to mangle metal fasteners. They are spring-loaded, steel-bending implements of destruction. But their teeth cannot open up wide enough to truly scare a co-worker. I might as well crumple up some paper or get a rubber band to make the office mates cower in fear. The staple remover, just does only what its name implies. It removes staples.

In today’s world of multi-tasking, shouldn’t the staple remover do more than merely “remove staples?” Shouldn’t it I be able to turn it into an instrument of death if and when the Cannibal Department carries out its “hostile take over and cook-out” of the Transportation Department? What do my bosses expect me to defend myself with? Scissors? Come one?! I’m not allowed to even run with them….and everyone knows that scissor action stresses your rotator cuff, and I’m already weak in that area.

The “jaws” don’t open up enough to get a finger between the removers’ sharp “incisors.” If I can’t even get my finger in, I am sure that zombie armies are not going to cower at the sight of me wielding them two-fisted ninja-style!. Couldn’t they at least make the darn things look less lethal? As it is, the unknowing might think they are protected with a set of these in their pockets, but they aren’t safe, they aren’t safe at all. They would do better with a brick.

As a kid I referred to these should be death dealers as “chomps.” They terrorized many an action figure in my youth.

Author’s note: I know that technically Snake Eyes should not be able to say “Eep!!” but the pic needed the exclamation to work, so deal with it.

Oh, Cobra never had it so good as when they employed the staple remover. Many a GI Joe cowered at the sight of the advancing line of over-sized office tools.

To recap
Staple Remover ≠ weapon
Unless of course you are a bad guy action figure
Blogger is giving me fits today
Little Man and I had a fight yesterday
It was about staying in his car seat while the car is moving
I won
He was not happy I won, nor at the tactics I employed
FYI: I did not use a staple remover to win
Breathe Right Nasal Strips may save my marriage and ruin the beauteous skin of my nose