The End of an Era

The problem with hating hippos and yetis is that there is not that much opportunity to hate them directly… Yes, I typed ‘opportunity’ on purpose there. Much like love you must practice hate, and, in this case, it has been a long time since I have practiced hate for the river horse and our hairy brutish mountain dwelling cousin. There just has not been much reason to seek out the hippo or taunt the yeti.

You see, even though the hippo is the most dangerous of the mega-fauna that are left inhabiting out world, the animal itself is rather pitiful in its dangerousness. It is territorial in the water and sunburnable in the air. It is aggressive in the water, but tires quickly on the land. The limits of its “comfort zone” seem to be a riverine environment and a riverine environment alone. Get past the riparian vegetation and the hippo is just an overweight, sun-burning, pig that cannot see very far.

The yeti is a daunting enemy to say the least, if you are in Nepal, but if you are not one of the 10 people in the world considering yourself Nepalese and you don’t climb mountains for a hobby, then you are never going to meet up with a yeti. Do yeti exist? Sure they do. Do people really care? No, Not really.

Herein lies the problem with hating the hippo and the yeti. Both creatures are more pitiable than loathsome. It takes effort to hate and it takes reminders to give effort. Without constant reminders there is no consistent effort and therefore no hate.

I find it sad to say but the bilious vitriolic fervor with which I vomited distaste for the hippo and yeti has subsided over the past year to a dull apathetic ache that is meekly rotting away somewhere in the twists and curves of my small intestine where the beginnings of poop reside.

To recap:
The hate has washed out of me do to apathy
Most things wash out of me due to apathy
Could I hate them again?
Sure, if given the right stimuli
I am not sure if the right stimulus exists though
Fare the well, yeti and hippo hate
It was a nice run while it lasted
Vacuum.... Nature abhors you and so do I!
Listening to Critical Hit by No More Kings


It seems my enemies have abandoned me. The yeti no longer lurks about with messages of hate and misunderstanding, and the hippo is a simple beast that is easily lured to its demise with the promise of crystal meth and heroine. In many ways these threads of hate and antagonism are either dead or dying, and that makes me sad.

It is difficult to be caustic and vitriolic without something to causticize or vitriate. I am a bitter person with no appreciable target to vent his bile. That is either a very good thing or the thing that will bring about the destruction of society. There is no middle ground, therefore in order to potentially save society as we know it, I need to find a number 1 object of my loathing.

The issue is that I do have some stringent criteria for such a high state of my detestation.

Criterion the first:
The object must not be something from my daily life. If the object of my greatest animosity should not be something I run across everyday, lest I be immobilized with my fervent hate at any and all hours of the day.

Criterion the second: The object of my blackest of murderous emotions (I have a range of murderous emotions) must “earn” my deepest revulsion. The yeti earned my gall by its very existence, but it seems that my last entreaty to him has caused him to go “underground” and search his feelings. Then Yeti was supplanted by the hippo due to its lack of natural predator and the overconfidence that instilled in the water horse. Now it is time for the Hippo, loathsome as it is, to take the passenger seat in the custom van of all I hate, while the Yeti gets relegated to a captain’s chair that can swivel. The problem is that I don’t know who/what should be worthy of driving the Custom Van of All I Hate.

(note: this is an example of a custom van, this is not the Custom Van of All I Hate, there are no pictures of that… it ruins negatives and erases digital media)

So, while I quest for new gainful employment, I also will be looking with my trained eye for something to abhor. You have all been warned.

To recap:
I am open to suggestions
Hateful, hateful suggestions
This stupid weather hurts my head
I have taken measures to combat that
Motrin, Sudafed, and Mt Dew
The medicine of champions
BBQ pulled pork for dinner
Not sure what the sides will be, or if it will be ready before Wifey and I go to a meeting tonight
So I will edit
Maybe BBQ pulled pork for dinner tonight
Listening to Welcome Back Father by Earl Greyhound
Beyond here… there be dragons


The problem with yetis other than their remoteness and un-kindness towards strangers is that they smell like a wet goat on crack. I am not sure why the goat is necessarily on crack, except that crack is a problem across societal, socio-economic, racial, and species boundaries (is there an adjective for speciesal?). Crack should get worried about meth though. Meth is on the rise and does not require costly Columbian imports for its creation. Let’s be clear, being illicit drug independent is important in this day and age of high fuel costs. It is not as important as alternative fuel sources, but it is pretty important nonetheless. Go green, Go meth. I should work in advertising. I mean it. Slogans like “Go Green, Go Meth” don’t come along every day. Even addicts want to help the environment.

In truth I think we all want to help the environment. I don’t know of one single person out there who is hoping and praying to befoul the environment. Well, there is one… I am looking at you, Chad! That being said, there are some people who don’t want to actively change their lifestyles for the greater good of the environment. Some of which are the anti-environmental cocaine smugglers. Whether that coke is made into crack or left to be sold as pure blow doesn’t matter, what matters is that an incredible amount of diesel and airplane fuel went into the production of that illicit material. Frankly, that excess is just irresponsible. Not irresponsible like a yeti, but what is really? And that is what this post is supposed to be about. It is supposed to be about how stupid and smelly yetis are, not about how environmentally irresponsible the drug trade is.

So back to the matter at hand: Yetis are stupid and smelly creatures with big noses due to their big fingers and bad posture. I am not sure what bad poster has to do with their big noses, but that is irrelevant. Not as irrelevant as Chad and his anti-environmental ways(Ooooooh, Burn!) but irrelevant nonetheless.

So, there you have it. Yetis are big, dumb, smelly creatures… and Chad is a anti-environmental jerk.

To recap:
I have a headache
Well, Hello Fluffy
It indeed has been a long time… ummm… indeed
I have started working on tomorrow’s Digital Thursday stuff
It will be a “Work-in-Progress”
A WiP to use the lingo
I am not sure whose lingo, but it is lingo, damnit!
Listening to Loser by 3 Doors Down off of The Better Life

Yeti, Bigfoot, Sasquatch

If there were a popularity contest between the Yeti, Bigfoot, and a Sasquatch, the Yeti would reign supreme. We all knew this to be true, who is not enamored by the wondrous being from the roof of the world. The ever loveable Yeti is by far the most well known of all the giant primate cryptids, and that is saying a lot. The thing is the Yeti is like that fly by night foreign exchange student that everyone starts out liking until they get to know him. Sure Anders is cute, Danish, speaks with a sexy accent, plays soccer, and dresses all metro, but ladies he also thinks women should stick to womanly things like oral sex. Seriously ladies, Ander’s only came to the US to get laid. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure that out…

Ummm… anyway, I believe I have a t-shirt design for the Yeti now. You will have to wait until tomorrow to for it to be unveiled.

To recap:
Stupid popular Yeti!
I don’t like you
… or Anders
I would have ranked them way different
Well as “way different” as you can rank three things
Wifey has another dinner time meeting tonight
Listening to Karma Police by Radiohead off of OK Computer
Radiohead is consistently more popular than the Yeti
…and Anders, the Danish Jerk!

Digital Thursday

I think I will start up one of those Cafépress shops this weekend. They are free and I would only get money if people bought shirts and stuff from it. So far I only have 2 designs that I am working with… and they are the subject of today’s DIGITAL THURSDAY!

First up is from Monday’s Atlantis post.

And second up is more general.

Eventually, I will get a “real” domain name and put that on the back, but I do find the blog url being a .blogspot address to be funny in its own right.

To recap:
You too could own these fine T-shirt designs
When I get the site set up, I will link it here
Probably Saturday
I will keep trying to add designs
Wifey is going to the new Ikea this weekend
She needs filing cabinets
She likes to be organized
Go figure
Have a great weekend everyone

Naming Conventions

The modern Yeti of the Himalayas is an elusive and hidden beast. The modern name “Yeti” is derived from one of the indigenous languages of the Nepalese area. It is a bastardized anglacanized version of the word Yah-Teh." The word Yah-Teh directly translates to “That thing there.”

Yep, you read that correctly. Our modern title for a mysterious creature of the frozen roof of the world translates almost directly to “The whatchamacallit.” Here we are in our insulated western languages thinking that the word “Yeti” has some intrinsic value when it turns out that the word basically translates to refer to something to which someone is pointing.

AAAAAAACK!!!! That Thing There!

The salt shaker?

No! That Thing There!!!

The tree?

That Thing There!!!

The snow? What? What is it that you want me to look at? Can you be more descriptive? Oh, you mean the large furry biped who is trudging through the snow. Why didn’t you just say that?

Might I suggest calling it a furred demon, a wild man beast, the mountain spirit, the scary thing over there that shouldn’t be, or even Jimmy(or even better Jimmy, the scary thing over there that shouldn’t be). Call it something more descriptive than “That thing there.” Imagine if you wanted me to pass you a bowl and you said “Hey, can you hand me that thing there?”… to which I would scream and run away fearing that my life would be ended by a mythological primate with questionable intentions?

El Chupacabra = Goat Sucker.

Sasquatch = Wild man of the woods

Orang Pendek = Short person

Yeti = That thing over there

Which one of these three doesn’t belong?

Nice naming convention. How do you refer to bread? “Stuff for eating.”

To recap:
Digital Thursday is ready
I am pretty happy with how it turned out
I might take some time to splain it more
I have some environmental maps that need to be finished up
I am pretty close to having them done though
Lunch was wholly unsatisfying
I slept for crap last night
Wifey is ill today
Her last day of work is tomorrow
They are sending her off with a big hoot-nanny tomorrow afternoon
I here there will be refreshments
I am sadly not invited…

Y: 25 of 26

Here it is the ultimate in the Alphabet of SRH. The 26th installment of the soon to be defunct project. I was not sure this day would ever come, and then I looked at a calendar and realized that would only be half a year. We have had high points and we have had low points. Since starting this train wreck 26 weeks ago I have gotten 117 comments so far (sadly including mine).

Without further ado…

Y: Big y, Little y. Yawning yellow yak. Young Yolanda Yorgenson is yelling on its back.

Y is a fun little letter. It makes men, well, men. It is often an answer even though it sounds like a question. Y is the suffix that shifts verbs and nouns to be more adjective-y. It is a great letter. Even with all these wonderful everyday uses of “Y,” the letter has come to mean sooo much more to me. To me, Y will always be associated with Yeti.

The yeti and I have had many conversations both public and private since I started this blog. Sometimes nastiness ensues, sometimes bonding, but since the Yeti’s pronouncement of being my kind of sibling I have not heard from him at all. I fear for him in some ways, but in others I am confident in my older half-sibling’s ability to survive. He has been doing it for over 39 years. That’s right, the Yeti is cresting the hill, folks. He is nigh on 4 decades now.

Anyway… since finding out that The Yeti is actually my half-brother due to some dalliance my mom had in college. I did start noticing some subtle differences in The Yeti and a typical yeti. For instance, typical yetis stand over 7 feet tall (2.13 meters for the metric folk out there) and heavily muscled. The only exposed skin is their eye socket area, nose, mouth, ears, and hands. Also their exposed skin is a strong cobalt blue in color. They are heavily muscled and their straight haired coats are camouflaged such that they can survive and hide in an alpine environment.

The Yeti conversely is just over 6 feet tall (1.83 meters), a little pudgy, has a receding forehead, with light blue skin showing under his curly ruddy coat. He really isn’t a very typical yeti now that I think about it.

Poor Artist Rendering of a Typical Yeti and “The” Yeti
"Click pic to embiggen"

To recap:
Happy 10th Anniversary Wifey!
According to this chart I should have given Wifey something tin or aluminium
Disregard the “Modern Gift” section of the chart
Disregard it completely
It is entirely bogus
What will I fill my Thursday posts with now that The Random Yet Not So Random Alphabet of SRH is over?
The pic had to be created
There are no good pictures of yetis
Digital or traditional
Have a great weekend everyone

20 Questions Tuesday: 53 - the Future I

Okay today’s topic must have struck a nerve with the questioneers from whom I request questions. I have gotten close to 70 questions for today’s post. Therefore I have decided in my infinite wisdom to spread this topic over 2 weeks and whittle the number of questions down to 40. So there will be close to 30 questions on the cutting room floor. Deal with it people. No one wants 4 weeks of a single topic. Especially me.

Thanks this week go to: Bomber, WV Slim, Lord Pithy, ACW, Lsig, Belsum, and TheMikeStand. On to the questions!

1. What will Little Man be when he grows up?

2. Where will you and Wifey choose to live in your retirement years?
Not sure, they seem so very far away, unless we win the lottery that we are not playing

3. Will I ever lose these damn last 9 pounds?? I need to fit into my skinny pants! (name withheld, please!)
Not the last 9 pounds, for then you would weigh nothing and not exist. Maybe you should aim at loosing the first 9 pounds.

4. Will we all eventually all be one color?
If “decayed” is a color, then eventually, yes.

5. How is the world going to end? Do you believe THE END IS NEAR?
In a scorching calamity as Sol, our closest star and nurturer of life goes super nova eventually enveloping the Earth into its fiery embrace. If you consider billions of years "near" then yes.

6. 20 years from now when the world's oil supplies have finally dwindled to nothing; if kittens are found to be a viable, renewable fuel source, would PETA protest, and would anyone care?
It is a resource that is not very reliable in it’s renewability, so I think we would have to find an alternative. Sadly the alternative would most likely be minks or baby seals and we will be fresh out of those by 2020.

7. What do you see as the biggest obstacle to a self-sufficient Mars base (for humans)? Solve it
Gamma radiation during the interstellar transit would be the biggest issue. Everyone would be rendered impotent as they traveled from the Earth to Mars. Without an ability to pro-create the Earthlings on Mars would go the way of the Shakers. They would make great furniture and die out since they will not procreate.

8. How long after the approval of gay marriages do we have to wait before the concept of group marriages are provided for in the US legal system?
Hmmmm… 25 years, to the date. It will be like an anniversary law.

9. Are we headed towards a future race of large thumbs, bald, pale, overweight techno geeks?
Heading towards?

10. Will supersonic travel become affordable to the point of changing our commuting patterns?
Fuel costs will still make it cost prohibitive compared to telecommuting.

11. Will the aluminum can evolve into a curved profile or just stay straight?
I do think there will eventually be some form of “ergo-can”

12. Will anything from Back to the Future 2 become reality… self-adjusting shoes, precise weather prediction, flying cars, Mr Fusion etc?
Precise weather prediction and the hover board.

13. How will people remember the first decade of the 21st century?

14. Which version of the future of mankind seems more likely, "Star Trek" or "Soylent Green"?
Soylent Green, people are really a bunch of jerks.

15. If in the future we all have sassy robot maids and talking dogs like The Jetsons, do you really want to live that long?
Yeah, I am pretty sure I wouldn’t like talking dogs or sassy robot mades, however, useless discs fitted to my clothing could potentially offset the annoying anthropomorphistic canines and belligerent robots.

16. What are you having for dinner tonight?
Stuffed Mushrooms

17. Really, seriously, where are the flying cars? And the household robots? And the circular space stations? And the Dick Tracy watches? OK, we’re getting close to the Dick Tracy watches with cell phones. Will the modern cell phone/camera/television/internet portal/calculator ever become strapped to our wrists? Or will it turn into a tri-corder instead?
The future of the 50’s is most likely not in the cards. While some of that stuff would be nice, I really don’t see it happening soon.

The flying cars will be limited by the driving abilities of the general populace. If not heavily regulated they will not happen.

Household robots in the humanoid state probably will not happen, but automated processing in the home might.

Circular space stations? Too cost prohibitive

Dick Tracy watches? More likely tri-corders, a la the iPhone.

18. If you could see into the future, but had to choose between knowing what will happen a year from now, or ten minutes from now, which would you choose?
10 minutes, I would forget within a year’s time. I might be able to hold onto 10 minutes.

19. What are the chances that Apple and Microsoft will one day merge?
They are already starting to. All recent Apple OS’s can run most Windows softwares, and the most recent iMacs have Intel chipsets and non-Apple motherboards.

20. What is the future of blogging? Will blogs replace mainstream news media, or will it fall into ridiculed oblivion like so many other self-publishing avenues?
I think this medium will stay for a while, but evolve into vlogging and whatever the next step is. People will be appalled by the old schoolers still typing out posts.

To recap:
The future is interesting to most
I need sleep
Little Man’s picture blog is up and running
Almost typed “ruining”
I think both are appropriate
I need to take some dirty dishes home
I think one container is fuzzy
And not in that good, fuzzy logic kind of fuzzy either
Parents just got back from an Alaskan cruise
Dad was all excited because he saw an iceberg calving
He is a big old dork too
They didn’t seen any yetis – that I know of
My mom is, understandably, pretty low key about yeti sightings
She’s on the down low, so to speak

Yeti responds

I got a response from the Yeti this morning, and well, it changed my life. It changed it thoroughly.

From: the Yeti [mailto:the Yeti@xxxxx.xxxxx]
Sent: Tuesday, December 21, 2006 10:58 AM
Subject: RE: Contact

Mr. SRH.

I appreciate the “effort”, but there is no way that our relationship can be reconciled. There is too much hurt and pain in our past for us to ever overcome.

Let’s count a few of the examples: Some of the reasons (but not all of the reasons) SRH hates the yeti:

1. Being pelted with squirrel entrails while performing on stage during the 3 rd grade Christmas play
2. During 5 th grade, the Yeti would steal his lunch money on the walk to school.
3. Being pelted by squirrel entrails while playing soccer
4. Urinating in his canteen during his Boy Scout camping trips

I could have eaten you many times in the past but I have decided to let you plump up some before I make a meal out of you. Soon I will be ripping you limb to limb and enjoying a fine meal. On a side note, you don’t need to work out. Your body is in fine shape. For me to eat.

If you are asking me to let bygones be bygones, maybe you do
not fully understand why I have spent my life plotting against you. Maybe
mommy never told you the story of the yeti….

It was back in the early 60’s and there was a young naïve college student at Kent State. She was very much under the stress that a normal college student experiences. She was also very experimental and was always looking to try something new. One night at a frat party, she had had a little too much to drink and spotted a very attractive, hairy Yeti outside, eating a stray dog. She was of course intrigued and ran outside to talk to the beast. Being the drunk experimental freak she was, she invited the Yeti back to her dorm room and ended up having the greatest night of her life. She immediately became very possessive and started talking about growing old together, so the Yeti bolted out the back door when she fell asleep. Nine months later, I was born. Mom was embarrassed about her drunken rendezvous and dropped me off in the woods to be raised by wolves.

She wanted nothing to do with me. It was at this time she met a new man who wanted to settle down and start a family. They moved to Mississippi and had your full-brother. Then after moving around to dodge me (YES! I found them every time. Stow, Ohio, Albany, New York, Oklahoma City, Oklahoma) you popped out in Oklahoma. Yes SRH, we are half brothers!!!

Mom always loved you more and I will kill you for that.

And if you think I am afraid of Little Man, I am truly not. I do not blame my nephew and I always carry a spare train set in my backpack just in case we meet. Even if he is blood hungry (like his uncle yeti), he will quickly be distracted when I pull that shiny engine out of the backpack. May squirrel entails fall from the sky on you this holiday.

The Yeti

From: SRH [mailto:SRH@xxxxx.xxxxx]
Sent: Tuesday, December 21, 2006 11:20 AM
To: the Yeti
Subject: RE: Contact


I... I.... never
knew. Wow. I really don't know what to say. It does explain your rather short stature for a yeti and your prematurely graying hair though...

Yeti, had I known, I would have made this overture of peace earlier.

Don't make me destroy you. You do not yet realize your importance. You have only begun to discover your power. Join me and I will complete your training. With our combined strength, we can end end this destructive conflict these destructive hippos and bring order to the galaxy. Don't tell me, that I’ll you'll never join me! Because if you only knew the power of the Dark Side hippo slaying. Obi-Wan Mommy never told you me what appened to with your father. He told me enough! It was you who killed him. No. Yeti, I am your father half-brother.

Let's call this pointless feud off. I cannot commit fratricide, even if it is mythological fratricide. I will not abide my child hating his half-uncle. I am truly and deeply sorry for the strife between us. Do not hate me because of my mother's love. It really
wasn't all that much to write home about.

Let's let bygones be bygones and eradicate hippo-kind together.

Your brother... well Half-Brother

Now, I only have one enemy.

Onto other matters, here is the Christmas card we sent out this year.

Happy Holidays everyone!

To Recap:
Great! How much Grecian Formula does a Yeti need?
No really?!?
If we team up, you can kiss the Hungry Hungry Hippos good bye
I still need stocking stuffers for Wifey
I am on a quest for last minute train purchases
I had a crab cake sammich for lunch
It was tasty
I will most likely not be posting on Monday for some reason
Have a great weekend and enjoyable holiday (for those observing)

Tis the Season.... Yeti...

For those of you who are new to the blog, there are 2 mortal enemies in the realm of SRH. The second enemy is one that has gotten more attention on this blog due to its detached impersonal nature. You see, I am not mortally opposed to the hippopotamus. This need to eradicate the hippo stems from the fact that the hippo has no natural predator. I have declared war on all hippo kind and given ample evidence as to my hatred here, here and here.

My first and foremost mortal enemy is the Yeti and his yetikin. The reasons for this hatred (or h8red for the texters out there) are of a more personal nature and so vile that I shall not go into them here. We have had previously chronicled conversations and a few other interactions. I initiated this contact for good and pure reasons.

From: SRH [mailto:SRH@xxxxx.xxxxx]
Sent: Tuesday, December 19, 2006 2:58 PM
To: the Yeti
Subject: Contact

The Honorable Yeti,

I know it is bizarre for me to contact you out of the blue, but I feel it is time for us to start a new discourse about our combatitive “relationship.” When you have time, drop me a line so we can hammer some things out… it is the Holiday Season after all.


From: the Yeti [mailto:the Yeti@xxxxx.xxxxx]
Sent: Tuesday, December 19, 2006 3:08 PM
Subject: RE: Contact

Dear Mr SRH,

I have nothing to say to you at the moment. I am currently on vacation with my neighbors. The only possible reason you may even be contacting me is because you are planning your new years resolutions. If this is the case, you are either planning on either 1) resolving your differences with me and that is not possible. We are mortal enemies and I salivate at the thought of your spilled blood. 2) resolving to finally kill me. And we both know that is just not going to happen. You are weak and lazy.

As it is, I have a spa/facial appointment in 10 minutes that I cannot be late for. Yours truly,

The Yeti

From: SRH [mailto:SRH@xxxxx.xxxxx]
Sent: Tuesday, December 19, 2006 3:10 PM
To: the Yeti
Subject: RE: Contact

Dearest Yeti,

I am happy that you are vacationing with "friends." That must be really nice.

On to the meat (probably the only meat you will be getting this holiday season since you are quite possibly the worst hunter known to man) of this missive. I think it is in the best interest of cryptozoologicals everywhere that I call off my petty distaste and hatred for your kind. You see, where I have failed (due to my lack of energy and motivation) in my attempts to become inspired for the mass extinction of yetidom, Little Man will succeed. His energy is limitless, his drive is unfathomable, and if bribed with trains... he is un-stoppable. Little Man truly would be the juggernaut of your imminent demise. Do you really want me to unleash the unlimited potential of Little Man upon your already endangered population? Ask yourself this question, "What is slightly stupid, white, and red all over and makes a gurgling sound when stabbed in the throat by a 3 year old ball of energy?" The answer is, of course, "you," if you don't let go of the hate.

So, here is the deal. I am willing to cease our murderous hostilities by not involving Little Man and stopping my yeti-killing ways. This offer is contingent on you promising not to commit suicide by coming after me or my family. That is the offer.

But really, if you want to call a spade a spade, I only want to teach him how to kill one type of beast, because, well, as I have stated before, I am lazy. For cripes sake, I have enough issues motivating myself to clean the stove, much less teach a 3 year old how to stalk, kill, and skin a full grown yeti. He is well into his hippo assassination training program, and really, don't you think that is enough?

This could benefit us all. Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying we should cease feeling animosity towards each other; I am more proposing a cessation of murderous hostilities. By the way, sorry about gakking your cousin.Looked like natural causes, didn’t it?

Think about my offer of pseudo-truce.


I still am awaiting his response. I am sure the Yeti is weighing his options.

To Recap:
Yeti, you want nothing to do with Little Man
It is out of kindness and Christmas Spirit that I offer this olive branch
I cannot wait for the Christmas food coma
That truly is one of the best parts of the holiday.
I think the response from my hairy foe will be after the holidays
He is busy with family obligations
Some kind of videography stuff at Wifey’s work tonight
I am going to be a star!
Tomorrow we will resume our normally scheduled posting ummm… schedule


So I have received an ultimatum (comments 7 and 12)

If you ever want to see it [the toaster oven] again you will write another post about the Yeti.

While it is the US’s stance not to negotiate with terrorists or give into terrorist demands, I am a pansy, so here it goes, but I better get my Toaster Oven back, or there will be Hell to pay! I am onto you, Appliance Stealer, I am onto you. I have a crack team of experts (not experts on crack, or experts about crack, mind, I mean a top-notch group of experts) waiting in the wings if this capitulations falls through. If I do not get my Toaster Oven back… (I will leave it as an open ended threat, those are more menacing)

My post about the Yeti:

The Yeti and I have not been in communication since my last Yeti post. This is unsurprising since I called the Yeti out on his less than sincere threat to gnaw on my bones. My history with the Yeti is a long and tiresome one, so I will instead give you a brief description of the Yeti.

Look and smell: The Yeti is a bipedal furry animal that stands around 8 foot tall. His face is a wind-chapped pink and, he is a foul smelling beast that rarely bathes. His coat/fur would be the palest of pale yellows if it were not for the amount of encrusted filth that resides in his hairy mantle. “Can his fur really be that disgusting?” you might ask. In a word, “Abso-frikkin-lutely.” You see, the Yeti is a messy eater, and by “messy” I do mean “a disturbingly in-efficient eating thing that has difficulties getting food in its mouth on the first try.” The Yeti has a tendency to smear food on its face and then slowly push that food toward its mouth. No one really understands why, but the Yeti is pretty consistent about this. This leads me to the next point of conversation.

Food: What exactly does a Yeti eat? Well, they are omnivorous beasts who live in an area with very little sustainable food stuffs. Therefore, the Yeti will consume things that most animals would consider taboo as food. Basically, if it ain’t moving fast enough to get out of the way of the surprisingly dull teeth that all Yetis have, it is considered food. This list includes, but is not limited to fowl, fauna, other smaller yetis, flowering plants, shrubs, vegetables, Sherpas, rich mountain climbers left on Everest to die, and sometimes paste. Yes, they are the cryptozoological equivalent of that kid in your kindergarden class.

How they move around: Yetis actually tip-toe everywhere. Much like they are trying to sneak around. It is rather comical to see an 8 foot tall befoul furred biped slinking around the mountains like an ineffective cartoon detective. Occasionally, Yeti’s drive around Nepal in Citroens, I have no idea why. They often have to remove the roofs of these cars to accommodate their pendulously large frames.

That is about all I have to say about the Yeti.

To Recap:
If I don’t see a toaster oven in the break room by Friday, the Appliance Stealer will have a reckoning
A reckoning I say
A Reckoning
I am glad the Appliance Stealer didn't ask for a post on the Orang-Pendek
We bought a Futon this weekend
It is surprisingly nice
I forgot to bring my lunch today
So, now I am really hungry
Geeking out on Friday was fun
The convention was not as spectaclish as last year
No one really wants to be at work today
Ginger beef for dinner tonight

From: "The Yeti" To: SRH CC:Internet

Okay I am posting this email conversation that I have been having with “The Yeti” for the past few days. All I have done is removed email addresses to protect the anonymity of the Yeti, and keep each of us from being spammed with Viagra/Cialis ads. I have also cleaned up some of the un-intentional spelling/capitalization mistakes. I am out of town today, so this is all you get.

From: “THE YETI”
Sent: Friday, April 21, 2006 9:40 AM
Importance: Low

Dear Sir,

You have bad mouthed me for the last time. I know where you live and have a taste for Alabama blood. It may not be today and it may not be tomorrow, actually I am busy tomorrow, so it won't be tomorrow, but it will be soon.
Sleep with one eye open...

Your Favorite Yeti,

The Yeti

From: "SRH"
Date: Mon, 24 Apr 2006 07:20:28 -0400

Dear "The Yeti," If that is truly who you are,

I am truly surprised by your email correspondence, for I did not think that you could string together more than one cogent thought that was not about food. Honestly, I am surprised that this message was sent via email and not a bird of some form with a tattered piece of paper tied to its neck (subtlety not being one of your virtues) with a scrawled crayon message reading "Me no like you, I kill Kill
-teh yite."

Furthermore, I should like it if you did not sent any more of your electronic missives to my work email. If you tracked me down here, I am sure you can send something to my home account. If you truly are the Yeti in question, we have already exchanged insurance information from the first time we met. Most of my contact information is there.

I guess that is the rub of all this. What started out as an accidental, well accident, meeting developed to a true friendship. Do you remember the Stooge Marathon? Do you remember trading vanilla milkshake recipes? By the way, I modified yours, if you add powered milk to the shake, it really thickens it up. Then betrayal.

Yeti, you are already dead to me.


From: “THE YETI”
Sent: Monday, April 24, 2006 8:49 AM

For shame. You have once under estimated your opponent and it shall cost you dearly. This is the 21st century and everyone has gone wireless. I have already mapquested directions to your house and it is only a matter of time before the sword of Damocles drops on your head. Thanks for suggesting the powdered milk. I will have to try that the next time I want a shake.

Yours truly,

The Yeti

From: "SRH"
Date: Mon, 24 Apr 2006 13:06:22 -0400

Dear Mr. Yeti,

I imagine you trying desperately not to mis-spell words on your Treo with you pendulously large and furry fingers. It is an image that makes me giggle like a schoolgirl, so thank you for that.

Mere directions to my house do not scare me. Primarily because you, my rather large and be-furred nemesis, are quite conspicuous whilst traveling. I think it is the glowing yellow eyes, the gray white shaggy/matted fur, and the fact that you smell like a goat that just ran a marathon. Those are just guesses of course, I am also pretty sure that most airlines will not take Chirpa skulls as a form of payment (lord knows I have tried). I think you are making idle threats from your cozy little ice cave on the north face of Manaslu. That's right, Manaslu North Face at 7,214 ft elevation. Oh, two can play the "I know where you live" game. Oh yes, indeed.

Might I suggest adding powdered sugar in the milkshake as well, but only add the powdered sugar if you balance it out with a pinch of salt or 1/4 tsp of pure vanilla extract.



From: “THE YETI”
Sent: Monday, April 24, 2006 1:50 PM
To: “SRH”

Mr. SRH,

If only you could possibly know how close you are to being mauled by my surprisingly dull teeth. First of all, while I do have fat fingers that make it difficult to type, this does not keep me from giving dictation to my handy secretary, Cindy the Cyclops. We have already crossed the frozen Bering Straights on Cindy's motorcycle with sidecar and it is only a matter of time we escape the hell hole known as Manitoba. And you think that Cleveland is bad, obviously you have never been to Canada.


From: “SRH”
Sent: Monday, April 24, 2006 2:11 PM

Mr. T Yeti,

Aren't you afraid of the Mounties?

Bwahahahahahahahahaha, I couldn't help myself, I tried to be all concerned about the mounted police, but really, what are they going to do, polite you to death? Oh, God, I slay me.

Anyway... There are many forms of Hell. Manitoba being the "Boring form of Hell," whilst Cleveland being the "Dead Inside form of Hell." On a side note, I have always thought that Winnipeg should have named their hocky team the Peg-legs, because, well, Winnipeg Peg-legs has a certain "je ne sais crois" to it, don't you think?

How is Cindy doing? I haven't talked to her in while, mainly because she sided with you in our grievance. Cyclopskins, what they lack in depth perception, they make up for in zeal. (You are driving right? ‘Cuase Cindy is not so good with the cliffs and not falling off of them. A clear drawback to having only one big eye).

Honestly though, the milkshake recipe should have gone as follows

5 large scoops of Vanilla Bean ice cream (the bean is what makes it good! and definitely not that French Vanilla crap!)
1/2 cup of powdered milk
1/4 cup of powdered sugar
1/4 tsp of double strength pure Vanilla Extract (or 1/2 tsp if you only have single strength)
2 cups of milk Blend until smooth
Use a spoon to eat

Your recipe of
Ice cream + Milk = shake, while elementary and correct, needed some fleshing out.

Look forward to your attempt at mauling me.


From: “THE YETI”
Sent: Tuesday, April 25, 2006 11:26 AM
To: “SRH”
Subject: sasquatch says hello


If you have not yet realized, let me tell you something. Your days are numbered and soon i will be picking my dull teeth with your bones. Cindy and I crossed over to the US last night through Vancouver and stayed the evening with one of Cindy's college friends, Sasquatch. He told us of tales and mentioned that he is quite aware of you and feels that you must be dealt with swiftly. We had a few problems crossing the US border but it mostly had to do with the duty free store and the fact that I could not find the right cologne. I didn't want something too sweet but something that not overly musty. I also got into a tiny dispute with the border patrol because he felt we were trying to smuggle Khalua into the country. It was only 3 bottles and i know my rights. It ended with me gnarling his arm off and him running off like a little one armed bitch. mmmm, human blood. Tomorrow we are stopping off to visit my old buddy, El Chupacabra. He is making us dinner. I assume it is goat.

Anyhow, I just wanted to let you know I was thinking of you.

Yours truly,
The Yeti

From: “SRH “
Sent: Tuesday, April 25, 2006 12:51 PM
Subject: RE: sasquatch says hello

Dearest Walking Smelly Carpet,

Here we were having a pleasant conversation when you go and ruin it by calling me, of all things, "meat." I mean really, is that all that you have?

On another note, why in God's name did you travel all the way east to Manitoba just to cross the US Border in Vancouver, way the Hell in the west? I know that Ohio is mis-labeled as being part of the "Mid-West, but sheesh, you could have mauled me in my sleep last night if you hadn't detoured. Don't you know that you will have to now travel cross country to get to the great plains of Ohio? If I were you, I would have continued East to Ontario and crossed at Sault St. Marie. Then it is almost a straight shot down Michigan and into Ohio for the "maulin'." Did you need me to send you a trip-tic from AAA? Yeti, I make maps for a living, you could have asked. Then again, you are visiting Chuppy in Chiapas, so I am starting to think that this quest you are on to silence me, is more of an excuse to visit people.

Oddly enough and on the same tack, Pedi, our mutual sasquatch friend called after you left. You see, I have been on good terms with Pedi (Pedi LaGrande) for a very, very long time. She says that you are looking well, and that you really aren't that into the whole "shutting up SRH" thing as much as you are into the "I am happy to have gotten out of the Himalayas" thing. Roof of the world just doesn't have that great of restaurants, does it?

So, you visiting Champ as well, while you are here. If you do see him, he owes me $5 for lunch. You would think a water serpent would eat fish, but he all into the "New York Style Pizza." Anyway, Chuppy will probably serve you Goat a l'orange, it is his favorite "company's over" dish.

Happy touring,


So Far I have not received a response…

To recap:
The yeti does not think much of himself
I had to capitalize all of his “I”’s
It was like emailing with e. e. cummings without the artistry
I am snapping photos of bridges today
In Cleveland


There is a whole bunch of confusion out there about crytpozoologicals. Many people think that the yeti is the same as a sasquatch or a wild-man, but they are sadly misinformed. Sadly, sadly misinformed, indeed. You see, sasquatches and wild-men are sweet and gentle descendants of Gigantopithecus, while the Yeti is descended from conniving hellspawn. That is why the yeti is also known as the “Abominable Snowman,” while the sasquatch is known as “Bigfoot,” and the wild-man is known as “that bear like thingy.” With the Yeti, there is the modifier “Abominable,” as in abomination (as opposed to abdominal, as I thought they were referred to as a kid, don’t get me wrong, they do have abs of steel, {they do a shit-ton of sit-ups… daily}, but it would be silly to refer to them as the “Abdominal Snowman,” down right silly.), but there are no negative modifiers with sasquatch or the wild-man.

The reason is that yetis are, in general, jerks. No good, kick you while you are down, jerks. So, for all of you out there who think I have a beef with all the cryptozoologicals out there, I don’t. It is just yetis, in general… and that no-calling-back bastard Ogopogo… and Mokele-mbembe owes me a dinner, but other than that, no beefs. None at all…

To recap:
No one noticed that the “person” I chose to ride shotgun with was Fluffy, the pine marten who resides within my skull
Hi, Fluffy!
I would essentially have been riding shotgun with something that was riding shot gun with me…
How narcissistic is that?
The problem with having a 12 pack of grape soda on my desk, is that I find it incredibly easy to drink lots of them daily
I am okay with sasquatches
No, really…
And the odd wild-man
It is those damn yetis that you have to look out for
One Yeti knows why he has incurred my wrath
I call him “the Yeti”
Oh, yes, the Yeti knows why…


I have only a little bit before I go and pick up the little man from his care takers. This has been a complete waste of a day. I was never really able to engage into the work waiting for me at my desk. Sure I was able to get some work done, but my heart was really not into it. I do not know where this particular malaise is stemming from. It could be a multitude of things. I have not yet fulfilled my recently acquired mission in life of killing the dreaded hippo. Mark my words, Water Horse, You will die! Die I Tell You! DIE! My allergies are trying to kill me slowly with a death by asphyxiation. The Yeti is still out there being all nemesis-like… mocking me… judging me. We are waiting with baited breath the results of the house inspection that took place yesterday afternoon and lasted an hour too long. Any of those things could have led to my general sense of blah. Well, any and all of those things have probably contributed somewhat to my ultimate feeling of “meh.”

So last night both Wifey and Little Man were starting to feel under the weather. This led to some really un-satisfying sleep for the night by any of the 3 inhabitants of the house. The lack of sleep led to some rather quick and flawed decisions as to what to wear today to work. Those faulty decisions led to me picking a clean shirt that happened to be permanently stained. This led to me wearing a stained shirt all day long. I are professional lookin’. Maybe that is why I could not get into the whole work mode.

To recap:
You will die hippo
Wifey, why didn’t you warn me this morning that the shirt I had on was stained?
If you have not heard of FSMism or "Pastafarianism," you might want to check it out. I think I might be a convert
I am tired, and I am done for the day.
Well, you know you make me wanna
(Shout) Throw my hand up
(Shout) Kick my heels back
(Shout) Throw my head back
(Shout) Come on now
(Shout)Don't forget to say you will
(Shout, Shout) Don't forget to say
(Shout) Yeah yeah yeah yeah, come on
(Say you will) Say it right now, baby
(Say you will) Come on, come on
(Say you will) Say it right now, baby
(Say you will)