Something Fishy

Ah, Lent. ‘Tis the season for all the fast food chains to dust off their fish sandwiches. This time of year, every fast food giant in the market pulls a fish sandwich out of their collective asses: Wendy’s, Arby’s, Burger King, Ralley’s (I guess it is turning into Checker’s now), etc… To my limited recollection, these fast food restaurants do not typically offer fish sammaches on a day to day basis. McDonald’s typically reduces the price for their Filet-o-Fish delicacy to increase their market share during this lucrative fish eating time of the year. Unfortunately for Athur Treacher’s and Long John Silver’s, people don’t typically want highly processed fish for fast food. Sure lunch room cafeterias have always had “fish sticks” as a perennial menu item, but I don’t really know anyone who craves highly processed fish. No one. If you crave highly processed fish, you might want to check and see if you are human.

I, personally, don’t much like fish anyway. On very rare occasions I will have something fishish, but rarely. If I had to choose a seafood-esque item, shrimp or crab would easily win out over fish. But now, with all the Catholics avoiding meat on Fridays all my favorite fast food haunts stink of heated oil and processed Cod. Yippee. At least there are only 40 days in Lent. That’s what I want to give up for Lent, the smell of fish.

I go to Arby’s for the roast beef and the occasional Chocolate Peanut Butter Cup Shake (by occasional, I do mean mandantory). I go to Wendy’s for a sandwich smothered with bacon and ranch dressing. I go to Burger King because Little Man makes me, but I get their Tender Crisp Chicken sandwich there. Which ain’t so bad. I got to Ralley’s for their… Wait a second, I don’t go to Ralley’s… nevermind

The point is, I don’t want to go to my typical bevy of fast food restaurants and be assaulted by the smell of fish. If I want to go to a fast food restaurant and be assaulted by the smell of fish, I will go to a Long John Silver’s or I will bring a Captain D’s franchise back from the dead.

To recap:
Fast food stinks during Lent
My head ain’t right, Thank you Advil Cold and Sinus
No really, my head is a bit fuzzy at the moment
I am tired
I never met a shipwright that I didn’t like
I haven’t really met a shipwright though
So, I guess, I also have never met a cosmonaut I didn’t like
Truth be told, I really haven’t met that many of anybody
I have met a bunch of civil engineers, but not much else, other than geographers, but geography is not really a career as much as a mindset
I have met some civil engineers that I don’t like, but who hasn’t?
Today’s post was brought to you by the letter “Z”
Big Z… Little z, what begins with Z…..

Un-well

They are currently “renovating” the bathrooms on my side of the building. It will be interesting to see what happens with the renovations. Will the snot on the walls be cleaned off prior to painting or merely be painted over? Curious minds want to know. Will the stalls be replaced with non-rusted stalls? I hear that they are going to be putting in new tile for the floor, but I have heard nothing else.

Oddly enough, they are not currently renovating the worm infested bathroom. That restroom is available for use by all. No one uses it, but it is available. So it at least has that going for it.

I am currently one of those people in the office who should be avoided lest someone wants the horrible sore throaty sickness that has been going around. I have been doing my part though. I cough when I can and touch as many surfaces with my un-washed hands as much as possible. Gimme a break, I can’t use the sink that is less than 20 feet (a tad over 6 meters for my metric fans) away from me. I am not going to walk all the way across the building to wash my hands after every cough when I can easily wipe them on door handles and my co-workers’ desk surfaces that are soo close by. Yes, Misery loves company and Misery sounds like a horse voice and feels like a brick in your head. Thought you should know.

I am not really one of those people who coughs on everything and smears my germs on co-workers’ desks maliciously. I am one of those people who coughs on everything and smears my germs on co-workers’ desks in a spirit of fun. I need more of that Purel crap for my desk. I really do not want to get my co-workers sick. Well, most of my co-workers at least. I have a list of ones on which I wish mild maladies (I’m looking at you ACW!).

That is all I got today. I am afraid that tomorrow my furry friend will have taken up residence in my skull again.


To recap:
Pine Martens are cute and cuddly, except when lodged in ones skull
Currently the US is winning v Poland 1 to nil, in their international friendly Go US
They only have to hold on for 10+ minutes
Stupid cold with its stupid sore throat!
I might have something coherent tomorrow, but I wouldn’t count on it

Mardi Gras

Turns out that Mardi Gras is not that popular a holiday in northeastern Ohio.

As I remember it… it was Mardi Gras 10 years ago and Future Wifey, K&L, and I went to Cleveland for the big Mardi Gras festivities. Yes, we went to The Flats for Mardi Gras. Sure, at the moment, all of you familiar with current day Cleveland are wondering why the Hell anyone would go to the Flats for anything. Well, back in the day, the Flats was the happening spot in Cleveland. Now… not so much.

Anyway… we started the evening pretty much like any other poor college students, we had a big meal at TGI Fridays. We were in college and Fridays seemed like splurging for us. We were young, poor, and of questionable tastes. So we had a meal at FryDaddys, errr…. Fridays. I believe Wifey had Fried Fried Fried and I had the Fried Fried Fried Fried with Ranch and Bacon. A good meal was had by all. The four of us then meandered over to one of the many Howl at the Moon Saloons. For those of you who do not know, Howl at the Moon is a piano bar where the starving musicians take requests from people and play them a la Billy Joel’s Piano Man. It is typically a great time to be had by all. The musicians are all very well trained and extremely knowledgeable of tons of songs. It is truly difficult to stump them, and sometimes difficult to even get your request into them. Typically, in our wild in college days, Howl at the Moon was a packed house of rowdy drinking and singing.

Unfortunately, Mardi Gras is not celebrated in Cleveland. There were 3 other people in the bar when we arrived. We brought the total up to 7 people to the one piano player. Within 30 minutes the piano player was begging us for songs. He was interrupting our conversation consistently begging us to give him a song, any song, please for the love of God and all that is holy gimme a song, I’m dying up here. So we could say… “um…., I don’t know, ah, how about Come on Eileen again? ooooh, or how about Saftey Dance?” It was very pitiful. Piano men are not supposed to beg. That’s all, piano men are just not supposed to beg. It is unseemly.

To Recap:
Mardi Gras: big in New Orleans, really big in Rio
Mardi Gras: not so big in Cleveland, Akron, Kent, Youngstown, Streetsborough, …
Those places are better for St. Patrick’s Day
FYI: piano men do not like to sing The Piano Man
The Birdman will fly again tonight
Little Man rolled over last night, got a really grumpy look on his face and said, “Fire Truck.”
I think I am getting a cold
It could be due to how frikkin’ cold my cubicle is. Hickory Dickory Doc! did I just see my breath?
Bread and toast are NOT the same thing. Don’t confuse them. It will get ugly in your house should you try to shirk your toast responsibilities by giving bread instead
FYI: that toast should be on a yellow plate
Release the Kraken!

Picture pages, Picture Pages...

Picture blogging today



First is a comparison of me at 4 and Little Man at 2.5. That is little old me on the top picture, and my wonderful genetic progeny below. I have doomed him, doomed him I say. I am disturbed to see the same expression on his angelic face. On top of that, I am surprised with myself for showing you my 4 year old picture. I have buttons un-done and I did not comb my hair that day. Really I am a mess. Of course, Little Man is still in his jammies, but he is playing with a train. Lucky Bastard! I had a polystyrene apple to look at, and a faux book with no pages, and if I remember correctly, the globe was only half a globe as well.



Second on deck is one of Little Man’s more peculiar eating frenzies. Please note: that is a can of DelMonte Summer Crisp Corn. This delicacy is referred to as “cornch” by Little Man. Anyway we got one of those new fangled can openers that does not leave a jaggedy edge. It was safe, damnit! It was safe.

Yep, he ate the whole can of cornch, most of it straight from the can sans utensils.

To Recap:
Phrases you do not like to hear: “With your lack of experience…”
I was not able to watch much of the Olympics this year
I hear some countries other than the US competed
Don’t have much to recap about
G-Money and B-Dawg were both in Colorado this weekend
I wasn’t
This makes me sad

SRH Rules!

So I am topic-less for today. Forgive me. It is no sin to have difficulty come up with useless blather. I really did try. I have started this post at least 3 times today. Each time I have hit on one of my own personal blog no-no’s. I have some guidelines that I try to adhere to whilst blogging.

Firstly: I have attempted to keep this here blog pretty un-identifying and rather a-personal. I try not to use names, This is not some altruistic need to protect the innocent as much as it is to give the guilty a head start. That is why my son’s name has not appeared on this here Internet communication medium, as well as my name or my wife’s name. Relative anonymity is all I am asking for. If anyone really tries to dig and find out all my “blogger” information, they could. I just want to make them want it prior to searching. As far as the a-personal goes, I have made efforts not to really post things that are personally charged and/or emotionally difficult. I guess the “proper” term for emotionally raw and poignant posting is called “naked blogging.” I am a fully clothed, and somewhat bundled up blogger.

Secondly: I have made a concerted effort to keep this blog relatively a-political. Anyone who reads here regularly can probably tell that I am a bit left of center where American Politics are concerned, but I try to not let that overtly taint by posts. There is a definite left-leaning under-current to this old bloggarooney, but I don’t think I could type out anything without it leaning a bit to the left.

Thirdly: While my kid is absolutely adorable, I have attempted to not just make this forum a “Daddy Blog.” Yes, Little Man says “train” in his sleep, but you do not want nor need to hear about that constantly. His growth and development is truly amazing, and he is quite the quirly little fellow, but I would find this site to be rather boring if he were the only subject matter. That being said, the other day he wanted more juice. The problem was that he still had some in his cup. I politely told him that I couldn’t get him any more juice until he finished the juice in his cup. He walked over to the sink, poured out the remaining juice, said “All done,” and handed me the cup for a re-fill. The whole time he looked at me like I was a dumbass for making him do this.

Fourthly: I want this thing to be interesting, and I hope it has been so.

So what no-no’s did I hit upon in my first 3 drafts for today.

Well attempt 1 was too politically charged. This is something that happens fairly often. My first instinct is to go after current events, but let’s be clear, I am not Jon Stewart, and this is not the The Daily Show blog. There is no way that I could out-do him, nor would I try. Attempt 2 was a bit too “naked” for my tastes and 3 ended up being rather un-interesting. I think had I found an air-conditioning repair book and just copied a couple of random paragraphs it would have gone better, had more flow and been more entertaining.

So instead you have to deal with my blathering about how I am supposed to blather.

To Recap:
I gots me some rules to abide by
Not the most comprehensive code of conduct, but it gets the job done
I will not be in the office tomorrow
So NO post on Thursday
Deal with it
No hippos were hurt in the creation of this post
Much to my chagrin
I have got to start drawing again

20 Questions, yet again

20 questions day 'cause I don't feel like coming up with crap today


1) Who is your favorite Bond villain? (Assuming you have one)
Emilio Largo from Thunderball…mainly because Tom Jones sings the title theme.

2) What is the longest plane ride you've ever been on?
Munich to New Jersey

3) Do you have a favorite pair of socks?
Nope, I wish I did. I only have a drawer full of socks I hate. Stupid Bastard Socks!!!! I Hope you Rot in Hell!!!

4) What is the fundamental difference between working hard and hardly working?
Perspective, it is all about relativity baby.

5) You have ten minutes to grab whatever you can from your house before going into permanent exile (your family is safe and will be going with you). What do you take?
Wedding photos and my PC (mainly due to the digital media on the PC) everything else is pretty much replaceable.

6) What's the biggest challenge being married?
Staying married

7) What's the funniest thing your son has said?
So far the best thing he has said is “Shalsha.” He likes to put shalsha on his ta---co. Currently, his favorite phrase to say after doing anything is “I’m Sorry.” He says “I’m sorry” to his socks when he takes off his shoes. He says “I’m sorry” to his toes when he puts on his socks. IT is rather cute.

8) Are you a good daddy?
I like to think so, but time will tell

This picture says, "No."

9) If you could live anywhere in the world, other than where you live now, where would that be?
I am really not sure at all. There are so many cool places in the world. I guess I would have to go with a subterranean bunker with enough supplies to live for at least a year. Not that I would need to live undrground for at least a year due to alien invasion or some such nonsense. I mean, that would be plain silly. Forget I even mentioned it.

10) Jesus and Ghandi met at a dinner. What did they discuss?
Oddly, they spoke about the Orlando Magic. One would think they would have been talking about the whole Shaq/Kobe feud, or at least the death of spiritualism in Western Culture. Go figure

11) Why do computer geeks drink Mountain Dew?
Well, there are many reasons.
Reason Number 1: It is green, much like alien saliva
Reason Number 2: Prior to the mega caffeine drinks, Mt Dew was the most caffeinated soft drink on the market. Still not as caffeinated as coffee, but more immediately tasty
Reason Number 3: Umm, I am not sure why it is soooo geek chic

12) If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
I believe you have successfully failed in you failure to succeed.

13) If a Major is not a higher ranking officer than a General, then why is a major illness more serious than a general illness?
A better question is, “If you are a Major who majored in college in General Studies, do you generally study Generals?” Or “If you are a General, do you do the same things on a day to day basis, generally?”

14) Why do all superheroes wear spandex?
If I were built like a superhero, all I would ever wear would be spandex, but not yellow spandex. No one can look good in yellow spandex.

15) I noticed a “Dan 666” written in the office ceiling ductwork. Question - who knew the Devil's name was Dan? Or is it his initials? If it is his initials, I bet his middle name is Albert - that would cause him to wreck universal destruction.
I think you mean a “unified theory of destruction.” Only the Devil’s closest cadre of friends actually know that his name is Dan. I heard it from a friend of a friend of a friend of the devil’s gardener.


16) Why do the ladies keep their hair long to lure in a man, but cut it short as soon as they're married? False advertising I say! False Advertising!
Ummm, wow, uh, it seems you are harboring some deep seeded resentment of your wife shearing her long flowing locks. I am pretty sure that any response I give your emotional question will not be adequate, so I will say, “Lice.”

17) Why do fireworks and rednecks spell disaster?
Rednecks can’t spell “Disaster” so your question is un-answerable

18) How is it being mouse-free in the office?
Our office is now free of mice? That is great; I can start dumping my food onto the floor again.

19) Why is it so nice to snuggle with your own kids?
Cause the neighbor’s kids get really weirded out when I snuggle with them

20) Which was your favorite Rocky movie? I, II, III, IV, V, VI, VII? (or whenever it may have ceased... I think they may be actuallty working on a new one...)
Rambo III, he beats those Russians into submission in Afghanistan

To Recap:
I will be out of the office tomorrow,

EDIT Not Tomorrow, I will be out of the office on Thursday Tomorrow's blog will be haphazard just like usual (thank you Mimm)
So no Thursday Blog
Leftovers tonight at Chez SRH
Getting people to give questions can be like pulling teeth
The doctor says I will live
There was much lamenting and gnashing of teeth at this announcement

Dancing, Dancing, Dancing... Danciong Machine!

Of the non-speed skating events at the Olympics, the ice-dancing is the best of the lot. Bear in mind that to me that is not saying much. I do not like it but I recognize that it is the best of the lot. Don’t get me wrong, I understand the artistry and the athleticism of singles and pairs figure skating, but it seems to me that those events are just waiting for the next, more spectacular jump to be added into the routines. Much like Olympic gymnastics, the grace and artistry seems to be replaced by raw athleticism and power. Ice dancing, however, tends to still hold on to the more artistic and graceful elements. Ice dancing is the pairs figure skating from the 1940’s.

In ice dancing the flavor of the routines are determined for the show. Last night everyone was doing something with “Latin Flair.” I ask the IOC and International Association of Free Mason Ice Dancers, or whatever their governing body is, to either get rid of their music choices and let the competitors decide what they want to “dance” to, or dress them all up in big furry animal costumes and “dance” to kids music. We all know these people will eventually wind up in some god-forsaken kid’s ice show like “Care Bears on Ice” or some such crap. Let’s just cut out the middle man. In 5 years, you know that the skating Mickey and Minnie from Disney’s Ice Capades will be some Olympic hopeful from “Tourino ’06.” “They were 2 points away from the bronze, I guess they will be starting their giant ice dancing animal careers soon. Too bad about that fall, because ‘JoJo’s Circus on Ice’ won’t hire non-medalists.”

…and where in the Shire are Augustos and Belbin from. Augustos must be a Took from Bucktown, but I would imagine that Belbin is either a Sackville Baggins or a Brandybuck from Bree. She always has seemed like she was from the other side of the river. Uppity little trolip. I am sure the hobbits have been curious as to why 2 “big people” have been living around them, and dancing on ice, but those names are clearly hobbit names. There had to be some interbreeding. Although, Augustos seems to be too tall, and Belbin does not have the furry feet common to hobbits to really be considered hobbitish. Well, she doesn’t have the furry feet yet, but when she plays Sunshine Bear in the Care Bears on Ice, she will be sporting some furry feet. Big yellow furry feet.

To recap:
Olympians need better career planning
Even the ones with jobs seem to only work at home depot
God, I am a Tolkien Geek
I would give the gold to ice dancers dressed as Elmo and Zoe
Better yet, Bert and Ernie
I cain’t quit you, Bert! I cain’t quit you!
Tacos for dinner
Little Man will be pleased
It is good to please Little Man

In progress...

The funny thing about my job is just how much time I have on my hands whilst being insanely busy. “Doesn’t that smell of a paradox?” Yes, yes it does dear reader. You see the work I do involves fuck tons worth of data, but I have to squeeze that data through these teeny tiny silicon chips in my computer case and these flimsy little wires attached to my computer. It is akin to eating a sandwich through a straw. I ask my computer to do something and then wait 5 minutes for it to do it (I know my employees are pulling their hair out because their pc’s are slower than mine.) I am constantly waiting on progress bars to grow to their exciting 100% potential.

Yep, I watch a progress bar that indicates where the computer is in its processing of my data commands a whole bunch. Some of the bars that pop up in the center of my screen are a nice cold medium gray that gets filled from left to right with an almost royal blue. Some are light gray bars that are slowly replaced by segmented neon green bars. Others do not pop-up in the middle of my screen, but show progress in the lower left corner of the program that I am working in. Who is to say which progress bar works better, I hate them all. I am pretty sure that at this job that I have had for 6.5 years, I have been watching progress bars for at least 2 years total. This is not the type of activity that keeps one, as the military would say, active, mobile, and hostile. I am inactive, immobile, and docile, Ooh-rah!

Currently I am asking my computer to send some crap to print out, and waiting 5 minutes for it to finish processing the file. I lead an exciting life. No really, but this excitement in my life does allow me to write to all of you dear readers collectively. So, at least I got that going for me.

Little Man has decided that beef and wild rice casserole eaten with tortilla chips is the best food that God in Heaven has ever sent down to this mortal world. To Little Man, Manna from heaven is like angelic dandruff compared to some quick cook wild rice mixed with condensed tomato soup and ground beef. We had to make more last night after we battled for sleep. He at 2.5 ate more of it than me at 31. I actually think he would have eaten more if there were any more to be eaten. Just as an FYI to all of you out there in blogsville, it is not a real bite if you don’t have to use your fingers to push things into your mouth.

To recap
I am at 80%
Ooh-Rah! Is much more intimidating than Har-hoo!
Wild Rice and Beef casserole is better than anything in the whole wide world
I should not have kept said casserole away from my boy for so long, for this I will pay.
My favorite progress bar changes according to the day and my mood: I am a man of deep aesthetic sensibilities.
Seeing yourself on a video is a weird, perverse torture unless you are a megalomaniacal actor or news anchor.
The chance of anything is always 50-50.
Probability that I’m getting lucky tonight – 0, but at least I got a 50-50 chance

Suck it up, Buttercup

I should really be able to get over this by now. I have been up for over 5 hours, I really should be able to shake off the discomfort of no longer being asleep and the disappointment of being out from under the covers. I am an adult, this should not be soooooo much of a chore. All I want to do is crawl back into bed and start serenading the walls of my bed room with my sonorous slumbersong (snoring, if you will). Really this is pitiful. I should be able to get past this longing for sleep and function as a productive member of society, but all I want is a pillow and a blanket and no one to make me not sleep.

I have been in the working world for almost 7 years now, this schedule should not be so difficult to continue. It is not as if I woke up earlier than usual thinking it was the weekend and therefore okay to sleep in, only to be rudely awakened by the harsh reality of today’s Wednesdayness. Nope, the times I awoke last night I was acutely aware that today was a work day. This has not been some surprise foisted upon me by pranksters trying to trick me into thinking it was the weekend. Nope, I just really enjoyed the sleep from last night and want to enjoy it some more, right now. Now, now, now, now, now, now, now.

I feel like quite the big whiney baby. It is not even one of those gray nasty days that beg for sleep. It is bright, almost sunny and brisk. I really would have thought I would be over this by now.

To recap
Man, I just want to be asleep right now
This is not completely atypical, but it has lasted much longer than it usually does
To sleep perchance to dream

Such bitter bitter people

Many of the people I work with call today “Single’s Awareness Day” due to the emphasis on relationships placed on today. These people, of course, are simply un-coupled and un-couplable the lot of them, oh yeah, and bitter. Yes, indeed, they are bitter. Not like dark chocolate bitter either. It is the angry kind of bitter that makes woodchucks fret and scurry about doing decidedly non-woodchuck-like things. Sometimes they refer to today as “that fucking holiday in Feburary.” Yes, they mispronounce it/mis-spell it, but that is because they are bitter. I did mention bitter, right?

Anyway, love and angst is in the air around here. The people in the office who are paired up with mates are all aglow with felling of love and contentment, whilst the singulars are all angry and bitter with their gnashing of their collective teeth. The office smells like a grocery store florist shop. Okay that was a bit harsh, it smells like a grocery store flower shøppë. See, it is much more sophisticated. Everything is more sophisticated with umlauts and that Scandinavian “ø” thingy. The rose scents are all combating each other for supremacy and no one is winning. It is a stalemate of odors. Coupled people are eating chocolates out of their heart shaped boxes (not the Nirvana kind, ewww) and chatting of dates planned for this evening. The un-coupled are going to go drown their sorrows at seedy dive bars this evening lamenting their lack of play. All in all, it is what we would call a typical Tuesday evening around here.

I will be picking up Little Man from the caregivers whilst Wifey goes and teaches an Ashtanga yoga class for some business as a perk for their employees. (That’s right, merely being in a room with my wife is considered a perk by local businesses. Beat that! Boo-yah!) All in all, we are quite the romantics, I can’t actually think of any sort of Valentine’s Day celebrations that we have ever done. Wifey, do you remember any? We tend to celebrate our engagement anniversary instead, since it means something more personal to us. As all of you know, that was last week.

To recap:
All of you uncoupled folk out there are clearly doing something wrong, clearly
No really, it is clear
Amazingly clear
It hurts my eyes due to the amount of clarity
It was not insane luck and blind fortune that brought Wifey and I together
No really
Okay, maybe a bit of luck and a smidgen of good fortune
Fine, it was pure luck and gobs of good fortune
That being said, it is hard work by both of us that keeps us together
Little Man might have a train problem
I am just saying

Tricked out

So the Olympics Fever is firmly ensconced at the Casa del SRH. We (Wifey and I) have always liked the whole Olympic time. We understand why the IOC decided to stagger the Winter and Summer games, but really liked it better when those two happened on the same year. The Winter Games tended to get us ready for the Summer Games. Anyway… it is time to see all the sports that ESPN neglects for 4 years.

There are some issues I have with the Olympics though. Firstly, why in God’s name do they always have to make the opening ceremonies full of extravagant avant guard interpretive dance crap.

Why! Good Lord Why!

Why! What the Hell is this!

Why! Oh wait, never mind that’s kind of cool looking! Kind of like a roller derby on steroids.


And the freaky Italian dancer wearing the flesh tone body suit with the faux blood vessels running to the the silver “Heart” on his chest. And the weird ass Mohawk too. What in God’s Name was that crap about?

The second Issue I have with the Olympics is the announcers. I swear that one of the people doing the commentary on figure skating really doesn’t like to watch people skate, especially if those people are not Caucasian and skate to swing music. What an ass.

And the guys commenting on snowboarding I swear just make up the name of the tricks competitors do on their half-pipe runs.

“I can’t believe the Flying Finn is going to attempt the Twinky Jib-Jab Rodeo Double 90, it hasn’t been done in international competition since the woman from Greece was killed by an errant Snowboard clamp in the 2003 World Cup.”

“I know, Ted, but the Finnish team is really reaching for this one…”

To Recap:
What is your favorite snowboard trick name?
If you don’t have one, make it up
Mine is the Frontal Twinky Jib-Jab Rodeo Double 90 Half-Fakey. If you can hit the landing on that bad boy, you are getting gold, my friend
Downstairs closet is clean
Little Man might be reacting to tomatoes right now, mainly due to the insane amount he consumes daily.
I really do not want to be at work right now
The Backside Twinky Jib-Jab Rodeo Double 90 Half-Fakey is much easier than the Frontside

23 or 24, you decide!

This past Friday evening Wifey and I went to the closing show of a local Columbus Theatre/Cabaret. While it was not the absolutely final performance, it was the farewell show for 2Co’s Cabaret.

“What is/was 2Co’s Cabaret?” you ask.

Well fine reader, 2Co’s was a theatre company that had small 5 to 15 minute 1 act plays (usually a monologue) separated by their incredible band DowntownDFN. There would be a performance and then the band would really just crush the house. SIDE NOTE: It was always interesting to see the people in the band who were tasked with the “simple” percussion (the tambourine, triangle, maracas, etc…) THEY really got into it. Anyway… 2Co’s is/was a grant free theatre company meaning that they really hamstrung their revenue stream in order to stay completely independent. In other words, they were really walking the walk. Oh sure, walking the walk leads to lack of funding and an eventual closing down, but anyway…It was a great theatre company, and a wonderful evening to be had with friends. Wifey and I stumbled upon this place about 7 months ago and have gone to every production that they put on since then. We are sad to see them closing their doors.

On to the matter at hand: This Friday evening at 2Co’s we were supposed to meet some friends of ours for dinner and then the show. Their eldest child, still only a scant 4 years old developed 7 ear infections, diarrhea, a goiter, nausea, and at least 1 hang-nail. Oddly enough, they decided that they could not make it. Wifey and I scrambled to get someone to fill the other 2 tickets that we had in our hot little hands, but alas and alack, after many attempts and 1 near miss, no one joined us for dinner and a show. Wifey and I were the only ones at a table with only 2 people at it, and we felt a little exposed without the cover of warm bodies.

The show finished and it was a good show, being the “Best of” and all, and we were taking care of our bill and generally just getting ready to go, when we were approached by one of the people who worked in a non-acting, non-band role for 2Co’s. Gloria is one of those people you cannot help but like. She has a very impish, sprite-like quality to her, mainly due to her diminutive size. She is tiny like a little fairy, but a fairy with a wicked sense of humor. One should not be that tiny and be sooooo jadedly sardonic. Anyway, Gloria approached Wifey and asked out of the blue, “Just how old are you?”
Wifey: “31.”
Gloria: “Get out of here!”
W: “So, how old did you think I was?”
G: “23 or 24”
W: “Bless you! I would marry you if I could.”

Wifey, do you really value our marriage so little that you just cast it aside for the first elfen person that gives you a compliment and some raffle tickets? Now, I know that Wifey does not look her age, and I have known that for a while, but my big issue is that I look older than my age.

Me: “Oh God, I bet you thought that I am just a dirty old man stealing this woman’s youth.”
G: “Welllll……”
Me: “For God’s sake, she’s older than me, only by a month, but she is older”

The conversation could not move any further without producing ID’s and proving ages.

It is great that Wifey looks younger than she is, but that fact is invariably coupled with the fact that people think I am older than I am, creating this perceived age disparity. One man at our church said to me, “I did just what you did: Married someone much younger and better looking than me.” I wanted to punch that fucker. I guess I just don’t want people thinking I am stealing some girl’s youth or robbing the cradle, is that so much to ask?

To recap:
She also said, “Damn, I hope I am holding up that well when I am 31.”
She will turn 31 10 long years from now
"Holding up" how old does she think 31 is? It is not like it is 41 or something
I am not a cradle robber, Damnit!
Colcannon is an irish gift of the gods.
Why do little children fight sleep so much? Sleep is all I ever want.
Me and Little Man are on our own tonight – guess it’s chicky fingers and tater tots at casa del SRH.
Although they have eluded mention… Hippos! You are still on my shit list.

Meme is the word

Man, am I tired. All of the usual suspects for my sleep deprivation seem to not be the culprits this time as well. I am at a loss for the fatigue, but not at a loss for fatigue. Funny how that works. My creative juices are lacking a bit of “juice” at the moment, so I will simply do one of the tons of meme questionnaires that are out there.

Deal with it.

I stole this from http://www.ministryofinformation.co.uk/

Unique
1. Nervous habits
I tap my fingers to my thumb from index finger to pinky and back again. Over and over and over and over and over…

2. Are you double jointed?
My elbow hyper-extends somewhat, and my right shoulder can partially come out of its socket, but I am not sure I would consider it “Double-Jointed”

3. Can you roll your tongue?
Yep, I can also flip this bad boy

4. Can you raise one eyebrow at a time?
Yep, the right one

5. Can you blow spit bubbles?
Yep, I grew up in Alabama, but oddly I cannot “gleek” or snakespit

6. Can you cross your eyes?
Yep

7. Tattoos?
Yep, but I am not telling you what or where

8. Piercing
Nope

9. Do you make your bed daily
Nope, I am just going to mess it up again

Clothes
10. Which shoe goes on first?
Typically the right one

11. Speaking of shoes, have you ever thrown one at anyone?
Nope, but I have thought about it

12. On the average, how much money do you carry?
Maybe $3 is what I average

13. What jewelry do you wear 24/7?
Wedding ring

14. Favorite piece of clothing?
I used to have some favorites, but lately I do not. I had a pair of 13 year old Adidas Magnums that I always wore as well as an olive green boonie.

Food
15. Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it?
Yes, I twirl it or cut it

16. Have you ever eaten Spam?
Yes, pork shoulder and ham is quite tasty

17. Do you use extra salt on your food?
Sometimes, but define extra. If the food needs it to tsate good, is that really “extra?”

18. How many cereals in your cabinet?
3. Smart Start, Cracklin’ Oat Bran, and some other crap

19. What's your favorite beverage?
Fully leaded Mountain Dew

20. What's your favorite fast food restaurant?
Arby’s, the one with the Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup Shake

21. Do you cook?
Yup, I cook a whole bunch. Tonight is braised steak with mushrooms, broccoli and cauliflower on rice

Grooming
22. How often do you brush your teeth?
Bi-weekly, whether they need it or not. No really, I have disciplined myself to brush, every other week.

23. Hair drying method?
Towel

24. Have you ever colored/highlighted your hair?
Nope

Manners
25. Do you swear?
Fuck, Yeah!

26. Do you ever spit?
I am right now. Hey, where did everyone go?

Favorites
27. Animal?
Pine Marten, but only if they leave my head alone

28. Food?

Vanilla Bean Cheesecake

29. Month?

May, by this time the weather has stabilized somewhat in Ohio

30. Day?

Tuesday, some of you know why

31. Cartoon?
Old school Warner Brothers Looney Tunes

32. Shoe brand?

Clarks, other companies can make snazzier individual shoes, but Clarks are consistently nice

33. Subject in school?
Nothing from high school, I hated that infernal place. Geometric Topology from college

34. Color?

Deep forest pine green

35. Sport?

Soccer or yeti hunting, I cannot decide

36. TV Shows?

I never get to watch TV that isn’t geared to a 2.5 yr old, but of those, I really do find Lazy Town to be surprisingly funny

37. Thing to do in the spring?

Hike

38. Thing to do in the summer?

Run from yetis. It is training really, I get in shape for the hunting that takes place in the autumn
39. Thing to do in the autumn?

Hunt yetis

40. Thing to do in the winter?

Sleep

In and Around

41. In the CD player?

Jamiroquai, “Travelling Without Moving”

42. Person you talk most on the phone with?

Wifey, but watch the grammar meme? That question was horribly written

43. Reading?

Rift War Saga by Feist

44. Do you regularly check yourself out in store windows/mirrors?

Oh, yeah, baby! I am all that and a bag of chips

45. What color is your bedroom?

White, although we are not “into” that whole Shabby Chic thing

46. Do you use an alarm clock?

Yes, but technically since Wifey sleeps on the alarm clock side, Wifey is my alarm clock

47. Window seat or aisle?

Sure, where are we going?

Dumb

48. What's your sleeping position?

Horizontal

49. Even in hot weather do you use a blanket?

A light one

50. Do you snore?

At one time in my life I didn’t

51. Do you sleepwalk?

Nope, but I do have to pee a bunch while sleeping. That gets to the point of almost sleepwalking

52. Do you talk in your sleep?

Nothing consistently intelligible

53. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?

Nope

54. How about with the light on?

We have the bathroom light on outside of our room

55. Do you fall asleep with the TV or radio on?

Sometimes

56. Last interesting person you met?
That is an interesting question, but I really have not met anyone recently, so I will answer No One!

To recap:
Memes are the easy way out of blogging something meaningful.
That is why I usually ask for 20 questions
What the world needs is more bacon
Two strips does not a sandwich make
Man, I need something to blog about

Not sure what the spacing issue is that is going on, but it is an artifact caused by blogger

Uh, Yeah

So it was 10 years ago today that I asked Wifey if she would marry me. We were such children then, merely 21 years old at the time. It is a cute story and much to the consternation of Wifey, I shall relate it to you.

It was just after lunch time on February 7th, I had just left the campus area to head to Chapel Hill Mall. One of the most craptastic malls in Northeast Ohio. This was a mall built in the 70’s so it was not that large, and was anchored by a Kauffman’s and I think a Sears. It’s food court at the time consisted of Crap on a Stick and the typical mall favorite Sabarro, best smelling/worst tasting crap pizza. I hoofed it over to Ultra Jewelers, one of the mall jewelry stores. Nothing says “the best” like a name like “Ultra.” No really, how can anything be better than “Ultra?” I imagine that if the jewelry chain were to open today it would have been called “Über,” cause who wouldn’t want umlauts. The manager there was amazingly sleazy, but I knew the sales guy from my fencing class and fencing club. I was quite the epee in my day, if I do say so myself. The deal on the ring was not the best I could have gotten, as indicated by the manager accepting my counter offer without pause, but I still think it was a good deal since the ring is now appraised for significantly more than I paid for it.

The ring: it was the largest ring I could afford and still have good quality. It’s small compared to today’s gigantor rings (5 karats, anyone?), but it was the perfect size for wifey’s finger. Sleazy manager kept making inappropriate references to the size of the ring a woman wants corresponding to…you see what I’m saying! Wifey accompanied me to find out what ring she wanted, but she was not there when I ordered the loose stone, when I chose from 6 stones, or when I picked it up that afternoon 10 years ago.

So, we had figured that I would need to put the ring on some kind of lay-away type of system and that I would have the thing paid off by May and it would be a graduation gift. Ultra the seedy place that it was set me up for 90 day same as cash financing for the ring. It was the Mid-90’s and credit was just starting to really open up to anybody. As a college kid employed at a NordicTrack, I really should not have qualified for any sort of credit, but what the heck. I applied, and was accepted in “10 minutes or less!” So, I had the ring in my hot little hand, and it was buring a hole in my pocket… the ring, not my hand.

I picked up Wifey at 7:30 pm from her afternoon / early evening seminar style class that she had every Wednesday in White Hall at Kent State. She got in the car in an absolutely piss poor mood. It seems that someone in the seminar was being a boorish ass, making the class un-enjoyable for all else involved.

I said, “Hey, let's go get Chinese, I have something to tell you, but I’m not sure if I should wait until we get to the restaurant.”

Her response was, “Well, whatever you want to do. We can wait or not.”

We started driving off and I said, “I’m just not sure whether to share the good news now or wait for until we’re comfortable and seated."

More vehemently, she said (very huffily), “I don’t care either way, SRH. Tell me now or tell me later – just make a decision.”

I stopped at a stop sign, it was dark and I opened the cheesy ring box that Ultra gave me. The ring box was white and when you opened it a white LED-esque light shone directly on the ring. Oh, Lord it was cheesy. A single beacon of light shone down upon this ring, and I said, “The ring came in today. Will you marry me?” Here we are at the stop sign of Terrace Drive on campus and Summit Street with a small light illuminating a ring. It was all so surreal. I had planned on doing the whole get down on one knee thing and ask her to get married, but it just wasn’t in the cards for me. Future Wifey was just sitting there mouth agape. She said absolutely nothing, had not even made a noise, and I honestly am not sure if she had let out a breath yet. I asked again, “Honey, will you marry me?” Again, nothing. Now, I knew the answer before I asked the question, or I would have never asked the question, I mean after all, she picked out the ring with me, but this silence was killing me.

I was not sure what was going through her head at that moment. It could have simply been “Guh, guh, guh, guh, ring pretty… der, brain not work right now.” Or it could have been what I feared most, “Shit, this is it, I had hoped someone better would have come along, but all I got was this lout. Well I had better say something, but I will let him hang for a second so he knows I am answering out of duress.”

So I tentatively asked, “Well?”

She snapped out of her shocked silence and answered with a stunned “Uh, yeah.”

Quelle romance. Yep, that’s it. The story we will tell our children and our grandchildren. Wifey was so excited to get married to me, I got an “uh, yeah” when I proposed.

We ended up getting some Chinese.

If I had to do it over again, I would have taken her back to the dorm room, and then gone out for Chinese. Gotten down on one knee, asked her and potentially gotten the meal for free.

To Recap:
Love you Wife
10 years seems to be forever in many ways and to have flown by in many ways
I do not want to be here today
Chinese sounds nice today though, maybe I will have her pick some up on her way home tonight…

Thomas the Crack Engine

Back in bidness, baby!

It seems that the IT Surf Nazis may have over-extended themselves. They have retracted their policy banning the visitation of blogs. Somebody (not me) needed to access some blogs for professional reasons. He is one of our project managers for a contentious job, and he has to get to a bunch of blogs that decry him and his project as the works of the devil. As an Internet Super Villain he needed his access to these sights to see what was being said about him. He is paranoid like that.

Unfortunately, I have nothing to blog about. Saying that, I am not planning on rambling on about nothing today. That has been done, it is old, trite, hack-kneed, tired, etc… Today I will post on something close to my heart, my little boy and his penchant for addictions. It turns out that my little one is a Thomas Head. We did not really know this until this weekend. You see, we have been very careful in determining what children’s shows that Little Man gets exposed to. Not careful as far as, “Will this show be detrimental to my child’s development.” More careful along the lines of, “If I have to sit though this for 5 more minutes I will kill the next human I see.” Ergo, no Barney & Friends. The purple dino may have a good message, but I will be god-damned if I can sit though a 30 minute show of his voice. This is also why the denizens of the 100-Acre Wood will not be gracing the DVD player whilst I am in the room.

My little one is clearly addicted to Thomas. Wifey went to the Library and grabbed a new Bear in the Big Blue House DVD as well as, for the first time ever, a Thomas the Tank Engine DVD. Since Little Man woke up from his nap Saturday afternoon, he has only wanted to watch Thomas’s train-ish exploits. I have seen this particular video at least 15 times, and I am sure, excluding today, Wifey has survived it at least 20 times.

He is addicted to it, plain ands simple. He cannot tear his eyes away. It is a bit disturbing. The biggest issue that I have with this particular video is that all the characters are asses, plain and simple asses. Nary a one of them is likeable, but the theme song is catchy. At least it is visually enjoyable, even if the story makes me want to hit my head with a brick.

To Recap:
Internet Super Villian: 1 IT Department: 0
This is more than nothing, it is something
No purple dinosaurs on my DVD…. ever
Whiney the Poop will not grace my DVD player
Trainish exploits are pretty boring, on the whole
Why won’t anyone listen to Percy?
Is it because he is a God-Damned Lying Son of a Bitch?
Cause that is how they act
Percy: The track is out up ahead
Other Trains: STFU!! Noob!

I apologize for Nothing!

We are having our departmental holiday party today. Yes, it seems that our department chose to celebrate Groundhog’s Day instead of the more festive holidays of the year. I am sure that we will have a departmental luncheon this upcoming Flag Day as well. That seems to have the same amount of festive packed glee that Groundhog Day brings to the table. It turns out that our holiday party that was supposed to take place in December was usurped by a client appreciation dinner that was set up without looking at anyone’s schedule first. In doing this, the people at the top of the heap would have been going to the client appreciation thingy and not paying for our Holiday Party meal. Ergo rescheduling to Groundhog’s Day. It is a free lunch though, so I am not really complaining much.

I do heartily apologize for all this nonsense about nothing. I have found that when one has taken a math history class, one needs to inflict math history upon others once every few years. It was an oath we took at the end of the course. A blood oath. We all pricked our fingers with the point end of those compasses and shook on it. It was a very solemn affair.

Update: I just got back from lunch and lo and behold all access to blogger.com blogs has been axed. The surf Nazis at my work have struck again. My posting will probably become less frequent now. I am sorry to say. I am quite disheartened.

To recap:

Groundhog is just ground pork, right?

Again, I am throwing away someone else’s trash from the white elephant gift exchange

I do again sincerely apologize for all the math history foisted upon this blog in the past 2 days

I will attempt to keep my Monday – Thrusday posting ritual, but it may fall to the wayside.

Damn Internet surf Nazis!

Different than “Damn, Internet Smurf Nazis”

Much ado about nothing

I see that I have hit a chord talking about nothing. Unfortunately for you out there in bloggville, I happen to be quite the expert dealing with nothing, in particular. The history of the concept of nothing is varied and oddly interesting to me. Yes, I find nothing interesting. Shut up.

So the concept of a place holding symbol, a zero, if you will, is a fairly modern one. Why do I bring up the 0, the zed, the zero? Well, noble reader, the place holder digit signifies nothing. “So how did this gem of a goose egg come about?” you nervously ask. Here we go.

Well in our western culture the idea of zero came about rather slowly. It seems that Europeans were scared of the Saracens and their black magic 0-math. German accountants had difficulties with this idea as well. In their ledgers they tallied debts in red and assets in black (ergo “in the red,” and “in the black”), but they ran into trouble when their ledgers actually balanced between assets and debts for a balance of nothing. They had no way of denoting nothing. At this point Europeans used the 0 as a place holder, i.e. for the tens and hundreds place (a Hindi bit of knowledge and practice stolen by the Greeks, appropriated by the Persians, lost by the Romans and rediscovered by somebody, I forget who, but I will say it was the Italians) for some time, but they still didn’t have a firm grasp on signifying nothing. At least not until the late middle ages.

Oddly enough, the Mayans had 0 down pat around 700 BC, go figure. I could go on, but I am even boring myself.

To recap:
And Wifey thought my history of mathematics class wouldn’t come in handy
This is why you should not let your children major in math
Really, keep you children away from math history classes, it will rot their brain
This is all I am really good for
The Ancient Egyptians did not have a very good way to calculate the area of a triangle
That is why the pyramids are all 4-sided
Did you know that people have died in shoot-outs because of arguments over who “created” differential calculus?
Oh, God! Kill me now

I promis, I will write about something tomorrow

Nothing

So, I have absolutely nothing today. Nothing, nada, rien, nil, null, void, zero, zip, zilch, aught, the big ole goose egg, scratch, but not Old Scratch, that is a colonial colloquialism for the Devil. I do not have the Devil. I do not have the Devil at all. That would imply that I have something, when, truly, I have nothing. The Devil being something and all.

The funny thing is that you can say all you want about nothing and be correct. All the elephants in this room are wearing blue hats. Since there are no elephants in this room, this is a correct statement. Logic is odd this way. It is a bit illogical for it to work this way, but it does make sense in the long run. It is much like multiplying by 0. If you have no sets of 5 you still have nothing, and that is what I have at the moment. Nothing.

There are no anecdotes about Little Man today. There are no rants today. I have nothing. Not a thing. Not a damn thing. I have some apathy, but is that really something that you can have? I mean really, can one truly own apathy? Doesn’t ownership take effort? And effort is against the whole point of apathy. Can apathy have a point? I would imagine that apathy is dull and pointless. Maybe I will be more useful tomorrow, but I doubt it.

Anyway…

To recap:
Nothing
Elephants in this room tend to be hatted
An infinite collection of nothing is still nothing
And no sets of infinity is still nothing as well.
Apathy is defined by, “Oh fuck it, I don’t care.”

Do Yellow and Red Fanta make Orange?

Turns out Little Man loves Fanta Orange. He gets that from me. Honestly, my choice in carbonated beverages does make me and some others question some of my caucazoidal roots. I love me some Funyuns and fruit flavored sodas, and these loves are aspects not quite in tune with the whole white “culture” (and I use the term “culture” loosely) thing. . If I liked chicken on the bone I might start questioning my family more about their ethnic roots. Heck there are family rumors that hint at my Grandfather being biracial anyway. He was adopted, so no one really knows, and my eating and drinking patterns seem to indicate something a bit more soulful than solely European ancestry…

Case in point: Saturday night, whilst at dinner I had Orange Slice as my beverage of choice. Later that evening a Grape Crush whilst playing on the computer. I will be eating some Funyuns in about 30 minutes. Damn you snack machine! Damn you to Hell!!!!

Case 2 in point: When I was working at the local NordicTrack store at the Riverchase Galleria near Birmingham, Alabama I had the unfortunate occurrence to total my second vehicle in as many years. It was not a great summer for me. Firstly, I was not in Ohio with my lovely girlfriend (now wife). Secondly, I was peddling exercise equipment to rednecks. Thirdly, and finally, I totaled my car at the mall entrance on the way to work.

Back to the topic at hand… at one of the entrances to the Riverchase Galleria near Birmingham, Alabama there was a tree that had gobbled up 6 cars that year: my car being one of them. I hydroplaned going around a curve at less than 20 miles per hour and hit a tree just perfectly enough to shift the engine mounts about an inch. The interesting thing during this event is that I had just purchased a 32oz fountain beverage from a convenience mart. “What was in that 32oz refillable drink cup?” you ask. Well, intrepid reader, it was Minute Maid Orange Soda. Much like Eddie Griffin’s Character in Undercover Brother when he is doing his parallel parking job, I did not spill a drop. Unlike Undercover Brother, I totaled my car.

While I do like me some orange sodas, I am not the connoisseur of the orange sodas like I am of the grape. I clearly like grape soda more than orange. Little Man, however, does not hold the same opinion. He went bat-shit crazy for a can of Fanta Orange yesterday. He drank a whole can of the stuff in less than 10 minutes and wanted more. He was clutching the can in his 2 little hands like we had been purposefully keeping him away from this godlike nectar. He would take a long pull from this can, look at me with an orange half-moon staining his upper lip, and smile at me like he finally found something in this world to love. It was a bit disturbing. Then he would burp like he was a 65 year old man drunk on Pabst. I had to get Little Man to let go of the Fanta can so I could take his jacket off, it was not a pretty spectacle. He calmed down when he was able to cradle it lovingly in his arms again.


To Recap:
Everyone is Casa De La SRH is doing much better now.
Thanks for asking
I think Little Man feels we have been holding out on him
Fanta Orange, who would have thought?
Won’t touch the Grape Crush though
Tacos for dinner tonight

The worms crawl in, the worms crawl out...

Nothing says “Great Custodial Staff and Hygenic Co-Workers” like worms in the urinals. Yep, worms in the urinals. You read that correctly… worms in the urinals.

Now, worms in the bathroom illuminates 2 problems.

Problem Number 1: Our custodial staff is not really giving it their “A” game. I understand this to a point. I barely clean up my own messes (love ya Wifey!), so I would be hard pressed to make the effort to clean up someone else’s mess. Keeping that in mind I offer the following logical proof:

1. Most cleaning solutions have very detrimental effects upon living organisms, they are chlorine based and kill everything.
2. I know that there are milder cleaners out there that are much more bio friendly, but the really bio-friendly stuff is not cheap, and my company is.

Through the application of 1 & 2 one can safely assume that our custodial staff uses the cheap and deadly stuff. Through the knowledge of the existence of worms in the urinals, we can safely surmise that the custodial staff is not using said cheap deadly stuff effectively.

Q.E.D. our custodial staff sucks

Problem Number 2: What kind of freaky ailments/infestations do my coworkers have that allows there to be worms in the urinals?

I mean, wow! Yuck! Ewwww!

I am soooo washing my hands like I am heading into surgery from now on at this place. Forearms and everthing.

On a side note, Wifey has not been able to conquer her illness as of late since it is actually a kind of bronchial infection. She is now on a Z-pack and should be feeling much better by tomorrow. Little Man seems to be doing better, and we are hoping that he also does not/has not developed a new infection as well.

To Recap:
Tron and DePeche Mode make a great team
Worms in the urinals… ‘nuff said
Clearly, I work in a filthy filthy dung heap
Wifey should be on the mend soon
I am exhausted
My ears feel like they will ‘xplode