Bad TV = Good TV

Wifey pointed something out to me last night. Get your minds out of the gutter; this is not THAT kind of blog. Anyway… I realized (Wifey pointed out) that I really do love me some bad TV.

So this weekend’s bad TV started out with some Ninja Warrior on G4 (I miss Tech TV, if I wanted to watch chicks in bikinis play pong, I would pay the neighbors). Wifey did not realize how much she would enjoy watching people try ludicrous physical challenges only to be thwarted by large water traps and time running out. She only got to see stage 1, and has yet to see the weeding process of stage 2, the calamity of stage 3, or the agony of stage 4. I think some stage 2 stuff is on soon. We giggled like toddlers when we saw the non-serious contestants go face first into the water.

The bad TV continued Friday night with the Sci-Fi original series version of Flash Gordon. Okay, here is my issue with moderately bad TV. It just needs to realize that it is bad and embrace its badness. Flash Gordon, bless its heart, is still attempting to be good. It is not Battlestar Galactica. It is not even Star Trek, it is merely a bad show that is trying in vain to be good. Sure there are issues with the show concerning typical Flash Gordon continuity, but that is beside the point. When your episode is about hawk people who wear a cape with no shirt and ‘squawk’ you have to realize that you are not producing, shall we say, quality serious entertainment. Might I suggest a Sam Raimi approach?

Speaking of the Sam Raimi approach, I was flipping through the channels after Wifey had fallen asleep on Friday just before I was about the veg out with some Orc Hunter action in World of Warcraft when I happened upon the beginning of Army of Darkness. Oh, my goodness, that is a wonderful movie. It is only wonderful because it is so purposefully bad. There are so many quotes from this movie emblazoned into Geek Culture (yes, there is such a thing) that this movie is almost considered a sacred text.

To finish out the bad TV for the weekend (considering that more Ninja Warrior was consumed by Wifey and me) while discounting all the bad kid’s TV that was watched (WTF is up with the chauvinism and deception so prevalent in Bob the Builder? Yes, I would love to teach my kid how to talk like a condescending bastard to co-workers and … er… tools) Wifey and I had the extreme displeasure of seeing Highlander: The Source. I do have to give credit to the Highlander franchise. They are nothing if not consistent in their willingness to disregard everything that came before. There is no canon in Highlander other than the typical protagonist has to have the surname MacLeod and the worst Scottish accent ever in all of actingdom (Christopher Lambert and Adrian Paul both are miserable at imitating a burr). I could write a thesis on the merits of the Highlander franchise at length, but I will not bore you with those details.

Suffice it to say that for this instance the Highlander franchise chose to try high cinema when all people were looking for were sword fight scenes interspersed with a moderately coherent tale of revenge and survival. This movie brought very little of the first and none of the second. Sunday, was pretty much TV-less. Highlander the Source ruined TV for the rest of the weekend.

To Recap
Klaatu Verrata Nectu
There was a derailment yesterday at the Weber Road crossing gate where Little Man and I frequent
I am glad we were not there during the derailment
The preschool teachers don’t like Little Man having cupcakes because they are too messy
Hey, preschool teachers, he can only eat 2 things! Give us a break
My parents are coming into town Friday
Wifey and I are looking for places to be Thursday through Monday
Any ideas?
This looks surprisingly interesting…
Now if they could only make a decent Captain America movie
The spam filter at my work seems to be broken
I have gotten 104 emails so far today
15 have been work related
Hail to the King, Baby

Thursday Thang: the vote

Still trying to figure out what the heck my Thursdays are going to be about. I have had some people suggest (thanks for the suggestions by the way) different lists of things that I could expound upon much like my Random to Non-Random Alphabet of SRH posts. Numbers really wouldn’t work. There are too many and not enough of them are significant. Continents would have been a great idea if it were not for the fact that I have only been on 2 (Europe and North America). Months was mentioned as well, but honestly, time has little significance in my world view. One of these days I will expound upon the human invention of time. States that I have been to might be interesting, but some of the stories would end up like this: Arkansas: Once the group I was traveling with stopped to fill up their gas tank in Arkansas. That isn’t very gripping. Oceans, only seen 2 of them. Colors, how do I differentiate between periwinkle and light blue-ish purple? Cerulean and Cornflower?

I would love to give some updates from Capt. McArmypants in Afghanistan, but since he is JAG, most of his emails end up being: Did a bunch of stuff today, none of which I can tell you about due to confidentiality and/or secrecy. My soccer stories end 16 years ago. I haven’t found much new music that I like (although I would like to thank the author of liquify.org for recommending Mutemath, and Karen James seems to point me towards music on her LJ as well and sadly I am intruiged by The Aquabats! for some unknown reason) I have trouble remembering what I did yesterday at work for timesheet purposes, much less what I was doing on the 60th anniversary of D-Day. I think I need to get more serious exercise goals than “I want to be healthier” if I were to report on “workout progress.”

But I do not want this post to be just me saying “No” to everyone’s suggestions. I would like you, my viewing public to select from a list of finite choices for my new Thursday Thang. All choices are intended to make me work a bit more creatively (most likely on Wednesday nights). Would the UC readers want to see...

A. Digital Thursday: where I post digital artwork, graphic design, mapping, photo-manipulations that I have recently worked on.

B. Fictional Thursday: where I attempt to write some fiction crap in a genre of the UC’s readers’ choosing.

C: Theory Thursday: where I attempt to make myself seem smarter than I am by attempting to jabber on about theoretical stuff

D: Non-Themed Thursday: where I just randomly post some drivel much like Monday, and Wednesday.

You, the fine readers of the UC, get to decide my Thrusday-riffic theme. You have until Wednesday the 19th of September 2007 to cast your vote.

To recap:
Please cast your vote in comments
I mean it. Cast your vote
Please
My prediction: Only one person votes and that person will vote for more cookies at snack time
Who doesn’t want more cookies at snacktime?
I hope that we have a cleaner house this weekend
At least the house was in the same state of disrepair when Wifey came back as the state or disrepair when she left
Need more caffeine
Need more caffeine bad
Fire bad
I can’t believe it is not Friday yet
Have a great weekend everyone

Only Wednesday...

Not only do I have no topic today, I also forgot that today was a day I posted on my blog until just now. The only day of the work week that I have not committed myself to posting is Friday. That is right, fine folks, today felt like a Friday to me. A Friday. And it is only Wednesday. And I didn’t come into work until Tuesday afternoon. And it felt like a Friday to me. But it is not Friday. It is only Wednesday. This is a rather painful revelation. Excuse me for a second…

Not only is it not Friday, it is not even Thursday. I can understand making the mistake of Friday thinking on Thursday, but to do so on Wednesday is just hard to take. When one finds out that a “Friday” is actually a Thursday one usually says something like, “Well, crap! I thought it was Friday.” But when one finds out that a “Friday” is a Wednesday all that is left is weeping. Lots and lots of weeping. Followed closely by cursing. Maybe a little teeth gnashing, but just a smidgen. There typically is no clothes rending, but it is not completely out of the question.

In many ways Wednesday is the very antithesis of a Friday. That might be why it is so hard for me to stomach the fact that it isn’t Friday. Some of you are probably thinking that the antithesis for Friday is Monday. That thought has merit, but I think the direct opposite of Friday is Monday, whereas Wednesday is Friday’s perfect contrast. Monday is still one of the bookends to the work week. Wednesday, however, is the exact opposite of the end of the work week. It is the very middle. It is a subtle distinction, but a distinction none the less. (Nonetheless? No neth eless? Non-ethel ess).

Coupled with this insane mis-categorization of days I am also rather tired, rather hopped up on caffeine, and something else I forgot whilst typing.

To recap:
Wifey gets back tonight
And clearly not a moment too soon
I am still trying to figure out a “theme” for my Thursday posts
Nothing is jumping out at me
For some reason the concept of a dialog keeps popping up
That could be because people keep trying to talk to me
Leave me alone people!
Can’t you see I am losing it?
Badly…
Where’s my Mt Dew?!?
Stupid freakin Wednesday!
I am partial to No Nethel Ess

20 Questions Tuesday: 58 - Little Man questions

Yesterday I decided that today’s 20 Questions were going to be given by none other than Little Man himself. So I took it upon myself to scribble down his questions as I remembered them and in some cases, as he asked them. This usually led to other questions, but that is no matter. Here are a smattering of the questions I received between the hours of 6:45 am and 8:30 am in no particular order.

On to the questions:

1. Why are you still sleeping?
Because it is 6:45 in the morning and I didn’t fall asleep until 2:30.

2. Can… can… can… I have some red juice?
No, you cannot have any red juice while you are in our bed. You have spilled your juice in Mama and Papa’s bed 3 times in the past 3 weeks. No more juice in bed for you.

3. Was I a singing kitty?
If one defines “kitty songs” as screeching and, well, caterwauling, then, yes, yes you were a singing kitty.

4. Hey… hey… hey… Where my cheese slices?
I am cutting them. Sheesh, gimme a second here, kiddo. Block faux cheese doesn’t slice itself.

5. Why don’t you play with me? (repeated 4 times rapidly before I could answer the first)
Because I am cutting up your frikkin’ cheese!

RE: The Marble Run (FYI: his doesn’t have the motorized elevator… yet)
6. Why there are 9 of them (marbles)?
Because you found 1 more than when you only had 8.

7. Is mine done?
Yes, you have used all of your marbles.

8. Why don’t you start yours?
I don’t want to lose my marbles.

9. Why you’re going to wait?
Because I am slowly losing my marbles.

10. Why don’t we build a new one?
By “we” you mean “Papa,” right?

11. Why new one not done yet?
Because God’s sense of humor has a bit of a bite to it.

RE: Train Table
13. Why… why… why… where is the spiral engine?
Have you tried looking in you train bucket? You haven’t even looked anywhere yet, have you? It is right next to your train table with the other engines.

14. Where is the box?
We had to put the box away (author’s note: the box was one of the Thomas recall items because of its red letters) because it could be bad for you

15. Where Norfolk Southern engine? (near tears)
Have you tried looking in you train bucket? You haven’t even looked anywhere yet, have you? It is right next to your train table with the other engines.

RE: Trains on DVD
16. Why that one going so slow?
I have no idea, I also don’t know why it is continuously blowing its horn. Make it stop. Make it stop. Make it stop…

17. See that mean looking Conrail? Why does it look so mean?
I didn’t realize that that actual train engines could look “mean.” My Bad.

RE: Yo Gabba Gabba
18. Why Muno got one eye? Why that how he was born?
Muno was not born. Muno is a creation of some sick demented soul who happened to major in early childhood education. He has one eye because they need a character on the show with no depth perception. You know, they needed a clumsy foil.

19. Is his name Flex?
No, it is Plex. Flex customizes cars for the insanely wealthy.

20. What going on?
I have no effing clue…

To recap:
Sweet Jebus, Wifey, come home soon!
I sooo need to sleep
Badly
Little Man’s first day of preschool for the year was today
It was pretty “meh” on all accounts
I asked him, “Do you think you are going to like pre-school this year?”
He responded “Well, I don’t know. Looks like we will have to wait and see”
Guess who’s in the house?
Fluffy’s in the house!

I think it is supposed to rain

It's a Monday like no other

So, Wifey is co-facilitating some sort of training in rural Indiana near Louisville, Kentucky at the moment, and has been gone since early Saturday morning. Oddly enough, when she left this time she did not leave me with a sick kid. Go, Wifey! So this weekend has been a weekend of bachelorhood for the 2 men in the SRH household, and let me tell you, we have been living it up.

So, today I am at home with Little Man. Tomorrow is his first day of 4-yr old pre-school, and he is pretty jazzed about it. It is only an hour long tomorrow and I am required to be there, so it should be nothing more than an orientation. Pre-school starting means that the evening prep-time for his day tomorrow just got more involved, but that is just basically because I am quite the whiner.

He is currently “taking his nap.” This activity has lately become him watching a quiet DVD for an hour instead of the Electric Company on crack that is Yo Gabba Gabba which he usually watches. He simply refuses to close his eyes and nap, even though some days it would be the best possible activity for him. Don’t judge me! He is watching Kipper which is as close to watching paint dry as kid’s programming could be. He is basically asleep, which is good enough for me.

Anyway… I have to get some stuff done around the house before the Wifey gets home.

To Recap:
Any “InDesigner”s out there who want to give me some quick tips?
Tomorrow’s 20 Questions Tuesday will be 20 Questions Little Man asked me today before 8:30
Not all the questions he asked, just 20 of them
He is quite the interrogator
Especially when I am not that awake
Wifey is in “the sticks” teaching folk how to problem solve
Their current problem is being in “the sticks”
Little Man’s occupational therapy went swimmingly today
Capt. McArmypants is in transit today
Next stop Kuwait
Then on to Afghanistan until his tour is done
My brother starts his process to get to Iraq in early October

Y: 25 of 26

Here it is the ultimate in the Alphabet of SRH. The 26th installment of the soon to be defunct project. I was not sure this day would ever come, and then I looked at a calendar and realized that would only be half a year. We have had high points and we have had low points. Since starting this train wreck 26 weeks ago I have gotten 117 comments so far (sadly including mine).

Without further ado…

Y: Big y, Little y. Yawning yellow yak. Young Yolanda Yorgenson is yelling on its back.

Y is a fun little letter. It makes men, well, men. It is often an answer even though it sounds like a question. Y is the suffix that shifts verbs and nouns to be more adjective-y. It is a great letter. Even with all these wonderful everyday uses of “Y,” the letter has come to mean sooo much more to me. To me, Y will always be associated with Yeti.

The yeti and I have had many conversations both public and private since I started this blog. Sometimes nastiness ensues, sometimes bonding, but since the Yeti’s pronouncement of being my kind of sibling I have not heard from him at all. I fear for him in some ways, but in others I am confident in my older half-sibling’s ability to survive. He has been doing it for over 39 years. That’s right, the Yeti is cresting the hill, folks. He is nigh on 4 decades now.

Anyway… since finding out that The Yeti is actually my half-brother due to some dalliance my mom had in college. I did start noticing some subtle differences in The Yeti and a typical yeti. For instance, typical yetis stand over 7 feet tall (2.13 meters for the metric folk out there) and heavily muscled. The only exposed skin is their eye socket area, nose, mouth, ears, and hands. Also their exposed skin is a strong cobalt blue in color. They are heavily muscled and their straight haired coats are camouflaged such that they can survive and hide in an alpine environment.

The Yeti conversely is just over 6 feet tall (1.83 meters), a little pudgy, has a receding forehead, with light blue skin showing under his curly ruddy coat. He really isn’t a very typical yeti now that I think about it.

Poor Artist Rendering of a Typical Yeti and “The” Yeti
"Click pic to embiggen"

To recap:
Happy 10th Anniversary Wifey!
According to this chart I should have given Wifey something tin or aluminium
Disregard the “Modern Gift” section of the chart
Disregard it completely
It is entirely bogus
What will I fill my Thursday posts with now that The Random Yet Not So Random Alphabet of SRH is over?
The pic had to be created
There are no good pictures of yetis
Digital or traditional
Have a great weekend everyone

9-6-97

Hmmmm… since I have the Yeti post tomorrow, I will post about 9.6.97 today, even though today is 9.5.07.

On 9.6.97 Wifey and I tied the knot, jumped the broomstick, got hitched, wedded, married. **FYI: There really are not that many good euphemisms associated with getting married, and all the ones I could come up with sounded a bit… dirty. I was going to give a whole paragraph of euphemisms associated with getting married, but almost all euphemisms associated with marriage have to do with names for one’s partner, for example old ball and chain, the old woman, the anchor dragging me down to my demise, you know what I mean. Anyway… basically, 10 years ago I stopped being single. Good times ensued.

For the past 10 years I have been lucky enough to wake up next to my bride most days (sometimes I am away from home, sometimes she is away from home). Every morning is like Christmas morning for me, just without the lights, cinnamon rolls, the tree and the preponderance of wrapped gifts. She is definitely the best present I could ask for (“for which I could ask” sounds way too formal). Honestly, every morning I wake up next to her I am still a little bit surprised. What the hell is this woman doing with me? Is a thought that quite often goes through my mind.

In the past 10 years here are 10 things I have learned many a thing about my wife:

10. She cannot get addicted to anything. She says, “I’m so addicted to (for example) Poky.” But when I inquire if she would like me to get her some while I am grabbing my Mt. Dew at the grocery store she says, “Nah, I don’t feel like Pocky today.” Wifey, just so you know, that means you are not addicted. There have been a string of these “addictions” -- Take it from a DewHead, she doesn’t know addiction--

9. She abhors changing the toilet paper roll

8. I forget what eight is for

7. White meat fried chicken is just plain stupid

6. Watching her open gifts is better than getting a gift. Her eyes light up and she cannot hide her exuberance. This holds true unless she does not like the gift…

5. She has a hard time walking away from a sale on black slides (ask here for a pic, I don’t have any) at Nordstrom

4. The sound of soccer game announcers grates on her nerves like raking a lawnmower blade over slate

3. She does not handle headaches very well

2. She would rather clean, sweep, and mop the entire downstairs of the house than have to scrub the kitchen

1. She is uncompromising in her joy, unyielding with her affection, and unending in her love

Happy Anniversary, Wifey! Our Wedding

To recap:
GOJIRA KAIJU!
There used to be a blog written by Gojira Kaiju
It was funny
It doesn’t seem to exist anymore
That is too bad
Tomorrow, even though it is my anniversary, I will be posting about the Yeti
Don’t expect anything supremely eloquent
I haven’t really thought out what I am going to write about
Ham wrapping sandwiches tonight!
By the way, those knees arte sexsay!

20 Questions Tuesday: 57 - the Weather part 2

Here we are finishing up our look into 20 Questions Tuesday’s weather edition. I hope all the US residents who read the blog enjoyed the Labor Day weekend. I know I did. Thanks this week go to Allrileyedup, the Em, Nadolny, JW, Peefer, Dr B-Dawg, and Wifey.

Without further ado, the questions!

1. Why do magic scenes in movies always show changes in the weather to emphasize the power of the magic being performed?
It serves to show people number 1: the magnitude of the power being unleashed and number 2: the lack of control of said power since it is unfocused and bleeding out to effect the surrounding meteorology.

2. Do you think the X-Men movies did a good job of showing off Storm's powers?
Not even remotely.

3. Would you ever participate in a tornado-chasing tour group?
When I was a recent college grad, most definitely! Sadly, I am pretty far removed from the natural hazards research that I focused on in college. I think I would be more of a fanboi hindrance than an encyclopedic help at the moment.

4. What's your favorite weather myth?
Groundhog’s Day is the biggest farce. What is it? If the groundhog sees its shadow there are 6 more weeks of winter and if it doesn’t there will only be 42 more days of winter? Something like that. By the way, to me, groundhog is sausage. Get it? Groundhog = ground hog = sausage! HA! I slay me

5. Where would you live in the world based solely on the weather and why?
Hmmm solely on the weather…. San Francisco, California. It has a Mediterranean climate that has been influenced by the cold deep water currents off the California coast. Too bad it is going to eventually fall into the sea and all…

6. Why do folks who hate the Ohio weather stay here. I mean, most of them could move (except for those with long established jobs, but then why didn’t they leave when they were younger).
I have found that people just enjoy bitching, and weather is something nice and out of their control that they feel they can legitimately bitch about without getting called to the carpet for their own behavior. I can’t bitch about how dirty the living room is because I don’t pick a damn thing up. I can however, gripe about how hot it is with impunity.

7. Doesn't it seem like kids today get school days off for weather that we would have easily trundled through as kids?
Kid’s today are coddled. Back in my day we had to stand outside in below freezing temperatures naked because all our clothes were wet from fording the river that separated our neighborhood from the local school. There we were naked shivering and getting ready to learn about readin’, writin’, and ‘rithmetic as Doberman pincers chased us so we would run barefoot over the freezing scree fields of volcanic obsidian that we had to eat for our school lunches.

8. Which is your favorite season?
Fall or "autumn" as the uppity folk call it

9. Why is it that weathermen can draw a pretty nifty salary from making (mostly wrong) guesses?
Very few weathermen actually generate their forecasts from scratch. Most of them (in the US) rely on the National Weather Service for most of their predictive data. As for salary, weathermen (in the true sense of the word, guys on TV explaining the weather) are pretty much few and far between. Their salary is based partially upon their relative celebrity.

10. Fall is swiftly approaching. Happy or sad?
Happy

11. What is the smallest atmospheric phenomena that can be called weather.
Microclimatology is a valid and thriving science. So I would say that the smallest atmospheric phenomena that could be considered weather could be as small as the temperature fluctuations one finds in a bank parking lot (for example).

12. What percentage of people regularly confuse climatic with climactic.
43%

13. Will New Orleans be adequately rebuilt before the next hurricane hits it? How about after?
Yes, it will, but the underlying issue will still be there. The problem with New Orleans is that there are significant portions of the city that are below sea level. When the levees go, those areas go underwater. Simple enough. If the next storm that hits the city damages the levee system in the city, the same issue is going to happen.

14. Does it make you sad when people resort to talking about the weather?
If not sad, then how does it make you feel?
What makes me sad is that conversations I have with my dad and conversations I have with my brother have boiled down to being solely about the weather. I love talking about the weather, but when it is all you have…

15. What is your favorite form of precipitation?
Snow

16. How well do you weather through storms?
Pretty well, my issue is that when the conditions get really strong, I am inordinately curious as to how it looks.

17. Ever seen something struck by lightning?
Yep, have you? It is very bright.

18. If you turned into a snowman, where would you live - North Pole or South Pole?
South Pole. No polar bears there, yet bunches of penguins.

19. Is there any kind of weather that makes you so scared you kind of want to pee your pants, but then you don’t ‘cause you’re the man of the family and you have to save face, but if you were alone, you’d pee?
Not that I can think of.

20. Those weird afternoon storms in Alabama in the summer – what’s that about?
The “pop-corn” showers that happen in Alabama typically have to do with the vast amounts of humidity that permeates the air in the early afternoon. The sun heats that stuff up, it condenses into clouds, pours for 15 to 20 minutes and then goes away leaving massive amounts of humidity and sun.

To recap:
I hate conference calls
Hate them with the fires of a thousand suns
A thousand I tell you
I hate even more when the participants of said conference call each individually call you before hand to discuss talking points
Lunch was too little
I am hungry already
That and my back is sore
Oh, and my shoulder is pretty achy too
I think I might be getting old
Thursday is a big big big big big big big day
I will talk about that tomorrow

Holiday post

Consider this my Memorial Day post.

Recap:
Even though it is Labor Day
20 Questions Tuesday hits the streets tomorrow
Exercising 3 days in a row is stupid
I don’t care what professional athletes say
Showers after exercising are nice
Very cleansing
My legs are sooooo tired
Thursday is a big day
Big big
Big big big
Big big big big

H: 8 of 26

Here we go with the penultimate entry in the No Longer Random Alphabet of SRH. Today’s letter is the letter, H. I have to say that I am relived and a little saddened that this segment is coming to an end. What am I going to write about on Thursday’s after next week? Coming up with drivel for everyone to read is difficult. Just plain difficult.

Anyway… here we go.

H: Big H, Little h, Hungry horse, hay. Hen in a hat. Hooray! Hooray!

When I decided to start up this here Alphabet of SRH 25 weeks ago, I knew that day, that hour, that minute, that second, that I was going to write about hippos for H. So without further ado…

It all started innocently enough. A casual lunch conversation was casually lunching when my friend uttered those fateful words: “Did you know that the hippo has no natural enemies?” There was only one true and accurate response to that statement.

“They do now!”

Since I made hippos my second (the Yeti got the 1st) slot favored enemy (all you 5th level Rangers know what I’m saying, PHB 3.5 in tha house!), lets see just what has transpired, shall we? My wife lovingly (it was lovingly done, right?) psychoanalyzed me for my irrational hate of hippos and I responded. My blog has become the number 1 entry listed for the Google searches Hippo Enemy and Hippopotamus Enemy. I had 2 blogaversaries, oh, and THE HIPPO WAS NAMED TO THE ENDANGERED SPECIES LIST!!! I am quite effective in my hatred (or h8red for the text monkeys --raise your hand if you were born after 1990. Excuse me, what I meant was: u born 90+? raze h& kthxby!lol). Sure they say that the hippo is becoming endangered by loss of habitat, but I work in mysterious ways, baby!

What have I Learned about the hippo since naming it as my favored enemy?

• The Hippopotamus amphibious is a large land mammal that spends much of the time in a riverine environment.


• Bulls are very territorial and will attack even when unprovoked.


• Most African animal encounter caused deaths in Africa are due to unprovoked attacks by hippos.


• The closest biological relative to the hippo are the cetaceans and not other grazing mammals.



• The name Hippopotamus is derived from the 2 Greek words “hippo" and “potamus” which mean “horse” and “river” respectively.


• A hippo can open its mouth wide enough to fit a 4 foot tall child inside.
  
• A hippo can open its mouth 4 foot wide. (the "fact" above is just pure sensationalism)
  
• Maybe it should have read: A hippo can open its mouth wide enough to fit a 4 foot tall bomb inside.
  
• 'Cause it's true.
  
• In Egyptian mythology Taweret, Tauris, Toeris, and Reret are all names of a goddess of fertility portrayed as a hippo


• They do not like licorice or even the smell of anise


• Oh, and they go down like chumps!

Can I get an “A-men?”

To Recap:
I am not sure what my posting schedule will be for next week
There is a chance that I will be heading down to Alabama to see Capt. McArmypants
A very good chance, I just don’t know when exactly
I would like to know when soon so I can see if I am driving or flying
All that is left for the Alphabet is Y
Y is for Yeti
That’s good enough for me
The presentation from yesterday is completed
And there was much rejoicing
Have a great Labor Day weekend my US Readers!
Have a great weekend everyone

They are Evil I tell you!

No time

I got to work this morning and found 6 people waiting for me in my cubicle. Luckily it wasn’t 4 security guys, my boss, and a HR professional waiting with boxes… this time. It seems that the project I was working on with the assumption that it needed to be completed by end of business tomorrow needs to be finished by 8:30 tomorrow morning. Needless to say much of today has been a blur of activity. Sadly this leave you, the fine readers of Under Construction (which I shall now refer to affectionately as “the UC”) with a rather anemic post.

Such is the will of the working world some of the time. One might wonder why I didn’t just use the word “sometimes” instead of the phrase “some of the time.” Why, Dear Reader, it is simply because I do not wish to leave you and go back to final edits to the marketing presentation I am cobbling together.

To recap:
I have a shit-ton to do today
There is not a shit ton of time left in the day
I have a meeting to get to in 15 minutes
It is not about what I currently am having a fire drill about
Seems a bit frivolous to me
But my boss told me to be there
He also told me to have this presentation ready for tomorrow morning
He is correct about both
Tomorrow’s letter is H
Put on your killing shoes and get ready to talk smack about the hippo
I am bringing my A-game tomorrow
Not this c-game stuff you are reading right now
I am going to work out this evening
I need it

20 Questions Tuesday: 56 - The Weather part 1

So, I glibly asked people for questions about the weather because when you don’t have anything else to say, you start talking about the weather. So far I have gotten a glut of questions. This topic will definitely span 2 weeks. Today there will be a high of 91ºF (32.778º C) and sunny.

Thanks this week go to Bomber, WV Slim, Dustin, Lord Pithy, Lsig, Tree Monkey, and JA Coppinger.

On to the questions:
1. What was the weather like on the day you were married? on the day Little Man was born? (give the date, please)
Wedding - 09.06.97: The weather was typical for a fall day. It was partly cloudy in the morning with a hint of chill. I think it got into the upper 70’s that day. It was a gorgeous day.
Little Man birth - 07.25.03: Hot and sunny and wonderful

2. What weather disaster to you find most frightening?
Tornados. Tornadic activity is so sporadic and arbitrary. One house can be completely obliterated while the neighbor’s is untouched.

3. Why are weathermen so odd and unappealing, yet weatherwomen tend to be sorta hot? Why can't the female viewers (or gay men) get the joy of some eye candy while learning whether we need a sweater the next day?
The initial reasons have to do with the fact that most meteorologists in the beginning were men because women were discouraged from studying sciences. So the nerdy guys were the meteorologists and the women on TV were hot “weather readers.” Now people expect women on TV who deal with weather to be hot. Men? There has not been too much of a clamor for hotness. I think people looking towards beefcake don't generally look to the news

4. How can there be global warming if there is a huge hole in the ozone layer?
It is quite cold under the hole in the ozone layer. I always find it interesting that many of the arguments about global warming occur when it is coldest outside or about areas that are insanely cold. In college, the only article I ever saw about global warming in the student newspaper was printed when it was -14ºF (-25.55ºC). No one gave a crap about the negative effects of global warming when they couldn't feel their toes from frost bite.

5. Do you like Columbus' climate?
Pretty much

6. Waterspouts: “totally awesome” or “totally will ruin your day on the beach”?
Waterspouts are completely awesome. Awesome to the max!

7. What’s the biggest piece of hail you’ve ever had hit you?
Pea-sized. I was backpacking in New Mexico. Oh, I am urbane.

8. Do you find fog comforting?
I more find fog eerie and foreboding, especially at night.

9. On Gilligan's Island, why was it always a sunny bright day unless weather was needed as a plot point? I mean, it was never just a drizzly day in the background. What's up with that?
Well, the weather in the 3 hour tour radius from Hawai’i is very story driven. It has to do with the Gulf Stream. Very complicated.

10. All of my knowledge of California weather comes from the Brady Bunch. It never rains in California. Why isn't California one big desert?
It has to do with the Gulf Stream. Very Complicated.

11. If you were a weather pattern, what would you be?
Stationary Front…. uh... I’m gonna wait

12. How would you mess with the TV weatherman if you were an intern producer? (Not a producer of interns, but a producer serving his internship at a television station.)
Porn.

13. Growing up in Ohio, I always heard people complain about how you never knew what the weather was going to be from one day to the next, or even from the morning to the afternoon. I assumed that this was true everywhere, and that wherever anyone lived they would complain about the same thing. Having moved to a different state, I now know that, no, Ohio does actually have some pretty bi-polar weather patterns. Can you account for this?
Ohio is in an area where 3 different predominant weather systems collide. We get dry cold air from the north (Thanks Canada). We get hot wet air from the Gulf States. We get even more stuff coming in from the Mountain States to the west. Since all 3 of those meet in Ohio, Ohio’s weather is very volatile. It can change rather rapidly and pretty significantly.

14. What is the best weather-related song?
A) "It's raining men" by the Weather Girls
B) "Walking on sunshine" by Katrina and the Waves
C) "Here comes the rain again" by the Eurythmics
D) " Sunshine on my shoulder" by John Denver
E) Some other choice of your own (please state your selection)
I choose you, B! Katrina and the Waves’ “Walking on Sunshine” is absolutely contagious.

15. Do you think the “hot, humid, 100 degree” weather is done for the year? Even my cat has taken to jumping in the fridge, it’s been so darn warm!
August is not over just yet, so kitty-cicles might still be part of the freezer on your fridge.

16. Living in Alabama, have you ever experienced any “extreme” weather?
Remnants of Hurricanes. Tornadic stuff. Southern super cells, but I would not say that I have experienced weather to the X-TREME!

17. Snow: why is some of it wet and heavy, while other times it light and dry?
All about the relative humidity when the snow is formed. That and it has to do with the Gulf Stream. Very Complicated.

18. Ever stood outside in a violent storm just to say “Damn, that’s cool!”?
This past Saturday. (much to Wifey's chagrin)

19. Is a “dry heat” really any better than a humid heat?
Depends on what you are trying to cook. Steamed vegetables, I would suggest a rather humid heat. Dry heat is for pizza, baby!

20. What’s up with the weather people? Can’t they open up a window in the studio and see that their “current forecast” (oxymoron, BTW!) is just plain WRONG????
Most news studios don’t have windows. Some don’t have doors. They slide food through a slit in the wall and then get tasered back into their sleeping chambers.


To Recap:
Yes, I said "Awesome to the max!"
I am not sure if “taser” should be a verb
I amend that, it should most definitely be a verb
I also believe that donut should be a verb as well
And not necessarily in the driving in circles way
I mean the chucking a donut to a friend so that they can consume it greedily
Now that’s a verb!
Yo, G! Donut me!
You know what I’m saying
After 3 bad experiences giving blood I am about to do it again
I hope I don’t have to punch anyone this time
I hate punching blood letters
Blood letters are not like runes, they are people who draw blood
I know there is a more technical term for it
But "leech wrangler" sounds so Medieval
I need a nap

Letters

Dear SRH,

I got a cryptic email from Capt. McArmypants on Friday of last week. It stated (and I am paraphrasing here) that he should be getting back stateside sometime later that day or on Saturday for his leave (that he gets during his deployment to Afghanistan). The email also stated that Kuwait was scorching hot as well, but that is beside the point. Since that time, I have not heard anything from him, and it has me mildly concerned about his whereabouts.

I don’t want to be a bother but could you try to get down to the bottom of this?

--Worrywart Within You

Dear Worrywart Within You Me,

Mind your own damn business. The good readers of Under Construction don’t desiderate to decipher your inane mind numbing apprehensions. The mediocre readers of Under Construction don’t want to read your boring and trite worries. The bad readers of Under Construction dont red werds too gooder.

I have a question for you as well. What do you expect me to do? Email his mom to track him down? Call the only number of his that you have that still seems to be in service, even if it is to a house that no one currently lives in (except for that ghost and the Rat King, but those are stories for a different day)? Check the g-mail account every 10 minutes to see if he has responded to your last email? Really, what divining powers do you think I have that can track down some Capt. in the army who may or may not be in transit from a combat zone?

Instead of wasting their time with you trivial concerns, wow them with a tale of Little Man’s antics. Or bemuse them with the clever turn of a phrase with different levels of meaning. The fine readers of Under Construction don’t need to be weighed down with your concerns. Keep it light. Keep it fluffy. Send the good people a link to some useless corner of the Internet. Make a pithy comment about how the LA Galaxy suck even more when Beckham isn’t playing.

Get your head out of your ass; the issue is just the inefficiency of the army. He is probably sitting on some tarmac in Germany waiting for a flight stateside that is not filled to the gills with afghan rugs being shipped out by generals.

--SRH

Dear SRH,

You are an ass.

--Worrywart Within You

Dear Worrywart Within You Me,

Shut it worry-monkey or I will let out Body Image With Self-Loathing. And nobody, NOBODY, wants that.

--SRH

Dear SRH

You wouldn’t dare?

--Worrywart Within You

Dear Worrywart Within You Me,

Oh, I would and I will…

--SRH

Top recap:
I have got to get to the gym today
Good Lord, am I out of shape or what?
I guess pear-shape is a shape
When I think about how much running I did when I played soccer I am just sick at my current state of physical affairs
I think I might need a girdle
Sweet Jebus, where are my toes?!?!?
I can’t see my toes!!!
Oh, I am such a fat slob
Oh, there are my toes
They were in my shoes the whole time
That’s why I couldn’t see them
Silly me

S: 19 of 26

Okay, only 2 more of these letters posts after this one. We are in the 25th installment of the No Longer Random Alphabet of SRH. This week it is the letter S. I am slammed at work at the moment, so I will make this relatively quick. Here comes the letter.

S: Big S, Little s, Silly Sammy Slick sipped six sodas and got sick, sick sick

This was one of those letters that took no time at all to come up with a word. S to me is for Soccer. I am going to focus on one particular aspect of my soccer life.

I started playing soccer when I was 5 years old on a YMCA team called the Little Rascals, we wore green. Eventually I joined my neighbor’s team the FIREBIRDS! (the exclamation point is absolutely necessary), probably when I was 10 or so. When I was 11 we switched out of the YMCA-leagues and transitioned into a more competitive league. That summer my coach (who went by the name Bibb for some unknown reason) went to England to get his coaching certification. We kicked everyone’s ass that year. When I was 12 we decided to take the team to England so he could get a higher level coaching certification and we could go to the esteemed Bobby Charlton School of Football in Manchester England (I have written about it before). That year was 1986. 1986 was the first year that David Beckham went to that very same footie camp.

Since we brought over our entire team one of the highlights of the camp was our playing the camp all-stars in our age bracket on the Thursday night before we left. Now, at most, the camp ran for 1 months with 4 one week camps going on (currently they only offer 2 one-week camps, but I am being generous here for sake of argument). Beckham is one year younger than me so he would have been in the same age bracket. He performed so well at the camp that year that the following year he moved into an age category higher than he should have been. Therefore he would have been on the field as an all-star that week (provided we were there the same week). Beckham has primarily been a right midfielder and at that time I was a left fullback. One of my favorite past-times on the pitch was to slide-tackle wingers who were attempting to cross the ball into the box, and I remember quite clearly tackling most people who came down MY flank that day. We lost the game 2 to 0 that evening, but no one scored coming down the my side of the field (as far as I recall). I was an enforcer, what can I say?

I propose that there is a 1 in 4 probability that I have played David Beckham in the international game of soccer, and I further propose that there is a 1 in 6 chance that I planted his ass in the turf for trying to come down my side of the field. All in all I like to think that my 25% chance of playing Beckham is nice, but a 16.667% chance of shutting down someone who has become the icon of a sport is even better.

Oh, and this is for the ladies…

By the way, if he did play that night, I shut him down!

To recap:
All that is left in this alphabet are H and Y
Hippos and Yetis…
I have to by a new DVD-ROM drive for my home PC
So I guess I have to travel to Best Buy this evening
If you want to watch that che-che-froo-froo midfielder I potentially pownd he will most likely play tonight on ESPN2 at 10pm EST
It has been raining buckets this week
I am back in the throes of my true addiction
Little Man calls it “caffeine sprite”
Wifey says she used to call her mom’s marijuana “seaweed”
She somehow connects these two things
I don’t see it
Wifey says a bunch of things
Great, now Mom-in-Law is going to be all defensive about the “seaweed” thing.
I myself think the world would be a slightly better (if smellier) place with an increase of the “seaweed”
I already have a drug of choice
It is green, cool, and tastes like heaven
Have a great weekend everyone

Ultimate power

So I was all motivated to do some work today. I have been a bit lax in the motivation department lately because it has been very grey and overcast if it is not raining. The rain has been fairly constant as well. In fact, I am not looking forward to going into the basement tonight and seeing how much water is standing in the basement floor. It is a downfall associated with the neighborhood area that I live in.

Anyway… here I was all bright eyed and bushy tailed, rip roaring ready to go when my work environment altered itself significantly. The alteration was temporary in nature, but had further reaching effects other than its temporary inconvenience. You see, dear readers, the power went out. It is hard to work in a desktop computer environment when the power goes out. Difficult indeed. The power went out for a second, and then came back on, went off, came on, went off, came on, and then stayed off. So let’s see, the power re-routed 3 times and failed each time. We figured that the power would be off for a good amount of time.

This did not bode well for the productivity. I could actually feel the motivation leaking from me moment by moment. Each minute sans power caused more and more of my work ethic to erode, until finally I was looking for a quite corner in which to nap. If I did not have a penchant for the snoring, I would most likely have ridden this power outage in an unconscious state. Blessed unconsciousness…

So to make a medium sized story prattle on for a few more lines, I lost that motivation super quick without the artificial lighting to fuel my inner fire. You gots ta have artificial lighting to get motivated to work on a pc.

To recap:
24th installment of the No Longer Random Alphabet of SRH tomorrow
I can hear the collective bated breaths
Oh, great, now I am hearing things
I used my cell phone as a flash light in the bathroom
This is what the bathroom looks like without power
We had ice cream today at work
I feel bloated
Either today or tomorrow I need to get to the gym
Pending on Wifey’s work out schedule
We both cannot work out at the same time
Cause then Little Man would be left at home… alone…
With matches...
Scissors...
Duck tape...
Stuffed animals...
Flour...
A power drill...
And 3 year old left-over cat food
The picture I am imagining is a scary one…

20 Questions Tuesday: 56 - the Present

There is no time like the present, mainly because the present is always fleeting. The last couple of 20 Questions Tuesday topics have been about the future and the past, so today’s is about the present.

Thanks this week go to Tree Monkey who is presently staring at some Autodesk software, Dustin who is presently confused by bumblebee flight, the Em who is presently contemplating the striping on tigers, themikestand who is presently discussing Keynesian economic theory and its impact on the price of halibut in P.E.I., Allrileyedup who is presently trying to find a recipe for cookies not involving wheat, milk, rice, corn, soy, dairy, or cat dander, and JW who is currently sweeping up the remnants of someone’s erstwhile coiffure.

On to the questions:

1. Presently, if you look back at how you thought your life would be 15 years ago now, are you right on track, have done more than you thought you would, or still have some catching up to do? In all aspects of your life, family, work, socially…. If you think about your present life, is this where you thought you'd be (with work, marriage, kids, etc.) at this age?
In some ways “no,” but in others “not applicable.” I think that 15 years ago when I was a rather naïve 18 year old, I would not have dreamt that my life would be where it is today. My 18 year old self had no real concept of what responsibilities and life were.

2. How are Little Man’s allergies and asthma?
They are doing pretty well right now. We are hoping that with the recent deluge that some of his environmental snottiness might be eleviated. Ragweed has been a bitch recently.

3. Explain to me how I can give someone a “present,” I can “present” myself to other people, and I can live in the “present.” I mean, talk about needing to nail down a definition. Why do the tense and the object-one-receives-as-a-gift (or the act of bestowing something on someone) share the same name? Is it because if someone asked you when you would like a gift, you'd almost always say "now!" ?
If I were a cultural anthropologist who specifically focused on linguistics and their subtle evolution, I might be able to answer your question. As it is though, I would be forced to answer, “I dunno.”

4. Do you ever dream about leaving the present?
I am constantly leaving the present behind in the past and moving towards the future.

5. How many pairs of shoes do you presently own?
6 that I wear regularly and 15 total that I can think of.

6. Will you ever give Little Man a digital video recorder and allow him to film things to his heart’s content then post said things to YouTube thereby creating the ultimate reality TV show, “Little Man for the Masses”…?
Nope. Little Man is a bit rough on electronics. There are other ways that I can flush money into a toilet.

7. There is no question seven presently
Good, I will skip it and go on

8. Which present-day ruler (of a country, not a 30cm measuring device) do you most closely associate with?
Helen Clark the PM of New Zealand. She seems to be the most realistic of country heads at the moment. She is rather down to earth. Since she is that down to earth there is a better chance of her willingness to associate with me. Most rulers are from a social strata that I am not privy to and therefore would not be willing to associate with me.

9. How would you explain to Little Man that "now" is only "now" for as long as it takes to say the word, after which it becomes "then"?
I think I would show him a Direchlet delta function and describe the partial differential equations that help to describe that system. There would be charts and graphs.

10. What are you thinking, right now?
You don’t really want to know

11. If you weren't blogging the answers to 20 Questions right now, what would you like to be doing?
Georeferencing rain gauge locations in Mali, Africa.

12. What is the worst birthday present you ever received?
A pink cassette holder. The cassette holder was pink. It wasn’t necessarily meant to hold only pink cassettes.

13. Do you enjoy reading books/stories that use the present tense?
Yes.

14. What is your opinion of the expensive gift baskets given to awards show presenters?
I find it very interesting that they give expensive presents to people who have more money than god. I hate them for it and their Gucci hand bags.

15. Have I missed any other versions of the word present?
Not that I can think of.

16. Is "pre-sent" a word, like I pre-sent my luggage to my destination via FedEx so that the airport wouldn't lose it, and then the FedEx train derailed, so I had to go without my favorite pair of pajamas that have purple dinosaurs wearing rollerblades?
Firstly, Judges?... The judges have ruled and yes "pre-sent" is now a word. Secondly I am alarmed that you have a universe of pajamas decorated with purple rollerblading dinosaurs such that you have had to choose a favorite.

17. Do you think our kids will look back on the present gas prices when they're our age, lamenting about how cheap it was in comparison to their gas prices?
I think the price of gas for our kids will eventually be less, because I do fervently believe that alternative power sources will be the predominant power plant for most engines sometime in our children’s lifetime (actually in the near future because oil production is peaking). With the decreased demand supply will go up and with increased supply prices will go down.

18. Why is the allure of time travel so much greater than just living and being content with the present?
Because time travel is cool and most likely involves some kind of sound/light effects that make the time traveler seem even cooler.

19. Given the present state of affairs, why are people still so willing to stand behind a political cabinet that clearly disregards their followers (and the rest of the country's) best interests?
People are sheep.

20. What would you like to be snacking on right at this very second? (Caloric amount be damned)
Vanilla Bean Cheesecake (although that ain’t snacking)

To Recap:
I have work I need to do
Mimma is heading out of town this weekend
Rain jackets for adults are not nearly as fun as rain jackets for kids
Mints make my breath minty
Free mints make my breath REALLY minty
Really, how did Rod Stewart become a sex symbol?
His hair is like someone bleached a skunk and taped it to his head
And the only reason the hair is there is to detract from the nose
Can someone help me on this one?

If you want my body
and you think I'm sexy
come on sugar let me know.
If you really need me
just reach out and touch me
come on honey tell me so

Yet another fourth birthday play date this weekend
Little Man got an “It’s Peanut Butter Jelly Time” T-shirt
I-R-O-N-Y
You know what else is ironic?
No?
Well, if you figure something out – tell me.
I’m all into irony these days.

Captain Little Man

So on Saturday Little Man did something that he has never done before. Little Man is all about the ritual. He thrives on the ritual. The ritual is his water, he can not live without it. Here is a breakdown of the ritual. Bath, dry-off, get pajamas on, medicines, 2 books, brush teeth, goodnight hugs, goodnight kisses, Papa lays down and tells 2 stories, papa lays down for 3 minutes, drink of water, band-aid, lip-balm, and the ritual is capped off with turning on music for him to sleep to.

It is a pretty involved ritual and it is only broken by the occasional movie night or soccer game night. On rare occasions it is broken down by either late evening family shenanigans or being away from the house. It is, however, pretty much the standard nightly ritual. Now, pay attention to this nightly ritual detail, because it is absolutely unnecessary for the story.
Little Man gets in the bath, and promptly stands on one leg with his other leg at a right angle from his hip. He grins at me and says, “Hey, Papa! LOOK!” When I look, he starts peeing. That’s right, he assumes a Captain Morgan pose and then pees. I made up a graphic to illustrate. It can be found here.

To Recap:
It was an uneventful weekend
As denoted by the above story
Wifey and I got to actually go and watch a 1st run movie!
We saw Stardust
You know it is a good movie when Robert DeNiro is the weak link
I have to go to the gym tonight
And Wednesday night
And Friday night
And the following Monday
Etc…
If I don’t get this to be a routine
I will never actually get any healthier
Tomorrow’s 20 questions will be all about the present

Z: 26 of 26

Here we are at week 23 of 26. Only three more letters left. Today we will focus on the 26th of the 26 letters in our English alphabet, Z. Z is an odd letter because it is not referred to in the same manner even within the same language in different countries. Queen’s English speakers (I shall call them Queens) refer to the letter denoted by the symbol “Z” as “Zed.” Their transatlantic Anglophones (I shall call them Trannies) on the other hand, refer to the very same symbol as “Zee.” What’s up with that? Why can’t the Queens and the Trannies get along? Hey, you Canadians, the English speaking ones, (Je ne touche pas que les Quebecois appellent la letter “Z.”{please feel free to correct my French if anyone is so inclined. My vocabulaire is rusty and my grammar is pretty bad as well. ) are you Queens or Trannies?

Anyway… on to the letter:

Z: a, b, c, d, e, f, g, h, I, j, k, l, m, n, o, p, q, r, s, t, u, v, w, x, y, and … Z! Big Z, little z, What begins with Z? I do. I’m a zizzer zazzer zuzz as you can plainly see.

The last letter of the alphabet is a tough one. I really cannot think of anything to associate myself with the letter Z. I thought about Zebra, but ruled that out since I still want my wife to talk to me. Even though my child’s multi-ethnic background is a big portion of my thoughts, the “zebra” angle would get me divorced.

I thought about Zero, but I couldn’t come up with zip, zilch, nada to describe how Zero related to me. Zealous was an option, but with my aboundance of apathy it did not work. The only thing I am zealous about is my lack of zeal, and really that is even too contradictory than I can handle.

Zoom? No. Zig Zag? No. Zipper? No (I prefer button fly). Zanzibar? Nope. Zarf? Well, I have been known to quaff a zarf now and then, but is it really me? Not really. Ziggy? Nope, that crap is duller than Garfield. Zephyr? I do fart a bunch, but no. Zeitgeist? What the Hell is that? Zionism? Sorry, protestant, agnostic or atheistic here. Zen? You gotta be kidding me. Zeppelin? A bit before my time. Zombie? Nope. Zoot Suit? RIOT! Zoophagous? I do like meat, but that is more a trait of Wifey. Zodiac Sign? I am a cusper, that system doesn’t work that well for me. Zany?...ummm, has no relevance to my life. Zenith? Only time will tell when I was at my zenith.

So none of the words I could come up with really worked. Instead I will select a Z word at random from the dictionary, give the definition and use it in a sentence.

zig·gu·rat: (zĭg'-ə-rāt'); n, A temple tower of the ancient Assyrians and Babylonians, having the form of a terraced pyramid of successively receding stories.
[Akkadian: ziqqurratu, temple tower, from zaqāru, to build high; see zqr in Semitic roots.]

A sentence… Hmmmm…

Zoser’s architecture was very derivative of the Babylonian’s since his “innovative” step pyramid was basically an encased ziggurat.

To recap:
Looks like we will be having a casserole tonight
It shall be yummy
I shall call it Cream of Chicken and Wild Rice Casserole a la SRH
And it shall be good
So it shall be written
So it shall be done
I just had lunch and am already hungry
Big Thunderstorm last night
We lost power and had a difficult time explaining that to Little Man this morning when we got up
When one wants chickies, power loss be damned, one wants chickies
Damnit!
Luckily, the power came back on this morning
I need to do some laundry before I go to the gym again
Even at the gym I like to have relatively clean underwear
Have a great weekend everyone

Phone Hell

For the past 90 minutes I have been sitting in on a conference call that doesn’t look like it will end anytime soon. So far I have spoken 4 sentences over the entirety of the 90 minutes +. My neck hurts and my ear is sweating. It is difficult to not start conversations with others while “on” this phone call. I am really going a bit nuts. Not to mention that they whine a bunch whenever someone types.

To recap:
Kill me now
Please, please make it stop
Why can’t I die?
Why can’t this phone call end

I hate the sweaty ear
Sweet merciful Jebus, please let me go into the nether
Tomorrow I shall write about the dreaded Z

20 Questions Tuesday: 55 - the Past

I went with a new look today. Not sure how long it will stay, but for now, it is going to be the template. I know I need to do some minor edits to it, but spelling errors occur at 2 am, in fact they are almost mandatory.

Today’s 20 Questions Tuesday is all about the past. Everyone (nearly) who sent in questions asked what my first memory is, so instead of answering this one in the questions, I will give that answer here, kind of as an up front bonus. Q: What is your first memory? A: Well, it is a tie between 2 memories (because I don’t know which one is older than the other since they were from about the same time. Memory the first is of a toy plane. It is a red plastic plane with a metal wheel axel and black plastic wheels and a blue plastic propeller. It wasn’t doing anything, just sitting there. I hear that it was my toy that went with me everywhere. Memory the second is of getting bit on the nose for going down a slide properly. Sure someone was climbing up the slide at the time, but it was my turn dammit! He bit my nose for sliding into him, the little prick.

Anyway… Thanks this week go to Lsig, Peefer, ACW, Allrileyedup, Dustin, and Wifey.

On to the questions:

1. Is there something you've learned from your own past that will help you NOT be doomed to repeat it?
Not that I can hink of.

2. What's your favorite "zoic" era?
Mesozoic, baby! It was the golden age of the ‘zoics.

3. Why do fashion styles from the past get recycled so quickly?
Because fashion is fickle and people have short memories.

4. Why is the present tense, the future imperative, but the past imperfect?
Because the most of the present is not progressive, we must look to the future together, and the past is never truly complete so it is always imperfect.

5. What are you most glad is part of the past?
High school. I hated that crap

6. Did the past really exist? or was it made up in the future (that future being our past - oh my brain hurts...)?
The past is always recorded in its future, so in many ways the answer to your above question is “Yes,” and “Yes”

7. Did you have to evacuate due to hurricanes while living in Alabama?
Nope, Birmingham is way too far north for hurricane evacuation being necessary. We did get pounded by the remnants of hurricanes though. I think a few times the system was still organized enough to be called a “tropical storm,” and more than a few “tropical depressions” moved through the neighborhood.

8. What was the worst natural disaster that you experienced?
I was in an area very close to where a tornado touched down. I did not see the tornado, so I can’t say that I really “experienced” a tornado.

9. Any regrets, so far?
None the I can hink of

10. What was the Boer War about anyway?
To boil it down to it’s simplest reason… Okay, the British annexed the bankrupt Dutch Transvaal colonies in what we now know as South Africa. In doing so the Boers (Dutch for farmer) were not happy with Imperial British control, so they revolted. The original Dutch colonists felt oppressed by the British Empire. This led to 2 wars which the British eventually won.

11. What is the difference between the past tense and past participle?
On is rigid and the other dangles?

12. What period of history sports the best advances in mathematical theory (I’m curious as to just how much you learned in that history of math class)?
Well, honestly the biggest explosion on mathematical ideation happened in 2 time periods.

The first was with the introduction of written language and number systems. People were able to really start better accounting and therefore math systems once they could start writing stuff down. For ease of historical record, we will attribute this explosion to the ancient Babylonians. They were the first major society to have a significant population of non labor scholars to investigate stuff.

The second is truly the modern era. I consider the modern era to be post 1908 publishing of Principia Mathematica by Bertrand Russell. By this time many different people were investigating the theory that mathematics rested upon. The number of people and their relative connectedness allowed collaborative discoveries and more continual discovery. It is a very fascinating time to be “into” math right now.

13. Have you ever heard people pronounce Pabst Blue Ribbon as Past Blue Ribbon, and if so, did you correct them?
I am from Alabama. I learned a long time ago not to correct any one’s pronunciation of alcoholic beverages. No good can come of that.

14. Is the space-time continuum as fragile as science would have us believe? I mean, like in the Simpsons episode where Homer travels back in time and keeps messing things up by infecting dinosaurs with the flu...that's just in he cartoons...right?
One can only hope, since I have been traveling into the past and messing with shit.

15. So when people say "your past catches up with you," does that mean all the ants I've ever fried with a magnifying glass are going to come back and kick my ass one of these days, or more like those breaking and entering charges on my record are really gonna hinder me in the WA gubernatorial race?
It is all about universal inescapable karma. Not instant karma, that is a different thing all together. Just so you though, Them is a documentary. Your ant killing days will come to haunt you.

16. If I traveled back to pre-historic times and became chieftain of my own cave-person tribe via my ability to "create" fire...would you come hang out with me? I'd let you ride my pterodactyl...
Pterodactyls are Mesozoic (mentioned earlier. Holla Holla, Dinosaurs in tha House! ) but tribal groups don’t show up until the late Paleolithic. Sadly, even if you did impress early man with fire, there would be no pterodactyl for you to ride. However one could ride an ostrich, and should. I am all about the riding of ostriches. It would be like playing Joust without the midi music

17. Since our great love would have been against the law in the past, who do you think you would have married? (Careful how you answer this one, I’ve seen this picture.)
If loving you is wrong, I don’t wanna be right! Anyway, that lady means nothing to me... nothing. Plus I dont think she finds me all that partnerable.

18. Being that your job has never called upon your math degree, do you wish you had picked a different major in the past?
I cannot say that I have “never” had to use my math degree at my job. One time I did have to determine the Laplace transform function for the polynomial expression of our profits over time function (sadly it is asymptotic to zero), but I most likely should have done the Lagrange transformation. What was I thinking?

19. Little Man “past” gas on me hand this morning. He thought it was pretty funny. Your thoughts?
That is pretty funny

20. When iPod’s are passé, what genius invention will Apple develop to pick up the slack?
They are trying to make the iPhone the newest iPod, but I think there will be a bit of a resurgence of dedicated technology. Tech today seems to be heading toward the all-in-one devices, but until batteries get me reliable and longer lifed, people will start to migrate back towards independent devices. I don’t want to have my phone die while on a phone call with my boss because I had just been listening to Mahna Mahna.


To recap:
No, really, is there something you've learned from your own past that will help you NOT be doomed to repeat it?
Not that I can hink of
Damn! That’s one mistake that repeated itself
Ummm... repeatedly
Dr. B-Dawg just sent me some questions
I will answer them in this recap
Is there a deep connection as to why past, pasta, and paste look so close to each other, but are so disparate?
There is a loose association with the words. Paste is made with flour and water, while pasta is made from water, semolina (specific type of flour) and eggs. So I guess the past is just water
Did Scrooge get a little to dramatic about the ghosts of past, present and future?
He was pretty dramatic about the Ghost of Past and Present and rather indifferent about the ghosts of Past Progressive, Future Subjunctive, Present Conditional, and Past Perfect
Could your future you beat up a past you in a hand to hand battle. What about with non-projectile weapons? Weapons of their respective eras?
Well my future me (unless I get to the gym) will be a pasty out-of-shape middle aged at best white guy, while my past me will be a competitive fencer. My money is on the past me.
I should work out tonight
Maybe I will after dropping Little Man off at home
I want to give my future self a fighting chance against that arrogant fencing upstart