No Nap Make Papa go *mumble mumble mumble

Grandma D and Grandpa R are great grandparents to the boy. They love the dickens out of him and really shower him with praise and adoration. The problem is that due to their health they are becoming less and less reliable as primary childcare providers. The way Wifey and I figure it, when Little Man was an infant, a baby, and a toddler he helped Grandma D and Grandpa R (both in late 60’s and D who has Lupus while R has some yet to be diagnosed auto-immune issues) by re-invigorating them. When Little Man transitioned from toddler to Little Boy (not that long ago) the re-invigoration seemed to deteriorate into wearing them down. They just cannot keep up with the active 3.45 yr old. So this erosion of their energy coupled with their auto-immune respective deficiencies and their typically worst season (Winter) has made Wifey and I come to the decision of finding another permanent childcare set-up. We don’t know what that situation will eventually look like, but the one we have set-up currently just is not working. So, until we get a more permanent childcare situation determined, I will be home on Wednesdays. This is both good and bad.

The Good:

• I get a day with Little Man in the middle of the week to recharge my “reason for working” batteries.
• I get to lounge around with the boy and stay in my sleeping clothes until well after noon.
• I get to bond with Little Man more
• I saves us from having to ask friends to watch the little bugger in the interim for a full day (we only need them to cover Tuesday and Thursday afternoons)

The Bad:

• It seems his nap is a thing of the past. He is now “just resting” (his words not mine). He is tired and should nap, but has decide that he won’t fall asleep and is therefore “just resting.” Occasionally we can con him into actually falling asleep by getting him to “just rest” his eyelids, because, you know, they are tired and need rest too, but for the most part is seems the nap is a part of history now.
• It seems my nap on Papa Days is now a thing of the past as well. I dig naps, and it just ain’t happening. That makes me sad, a little tired and bit cranky. Much like a toddler without a nap.
• I require **adult conversation (not that kind people, get your collective heads out of the gutter) throughout the day to stay moderately sane
• Little Man is not so good at the adult conversation
  

To recap:
I will have to evaluate whether or not I should change my posting schedule to Monday Tuesday, Thursday and Friday
Any thoughts on that?
This whole childcare conundrum is a rough one
But it is a problem that has to be solved…
And soon
Anyone know of independent childcare providers in the Clintonville area looking for a Tuesday afternoon, Wednesday, and Thursday afternoon childcare gig
Oh, yes, for a child with severe food allergies, animal allergies, and some pretty bad asthma?
Anyone?Anyone?
Are those crickets I hear in the background?
Hellooooo?

*translates directly as "Bat-shit crazy"
**okay "Geeky Conversation"

20 Questions Tuesday: 25 - Winter: "The Deuce"

Ah Winter: the Deuce. Who would have thought that Winter would have garnered so many questions. Thanks this week go to Toadman, Dustin, Allrileyedup, Der Kieselbach, Dr B-Dawg, and Atmikha.

On to the questions:

1. Do you think Bears have it right, regarding their winter sleep? Do you wish you could go into hibernation this time of year?
I think bears mostly have it right in their efforts to get ready for the big winter nap. The gorging of foods. Mmmm foods. While I like sleeping, hibernating is a bit much. Bear “denning” is more my style, except I do like to eat during the winter. Heck, who am I kidding, I just like to eat.

2. What is this "winter" of which you speak? Am I the only one who is upset over the lack of snow this year?
2006-2007’s winter has seemed rather non-existent for anyone in the US not living in Colorado. I need winter to hit soon. This autumnal weather lingering on since August is killing me. I would love snow. I would love cold. I would love pretty much most weather other than rainy and grey.

3. What is the best drink in winter, dark frothy beer, or hot buttered rum?
I am a frothy beer guy. Rum does not agree to well with my delicate system.

4. Do you engage in any winter sports?
Nope, unless watching the EPL on Fox Soccer Channel counts as a winter sport.

5. Where have all the flowers gone?
They are waiting for the sun to come out.

6. Why is it "Old Man Winter?" Why can't it be "semi-attrative-twenty-something Winter?"
If “semi-attractive-twenty-something Winter” is near the end of his life. Hey, wait a second, you may be onto a better marketing push for winter. Just imagine…

WINTER

(if I had a say though, winter would be a chick)

7. What's the difference between snow and hail?
Hail is the accumulation and agglomeration of tiny ice particles into larger ice aggregates due to severe weather systems with really strong up-drafts. As the ice particles accrete in size they become too heavy for the updrafts to hold and fall out of the clouds as hail. Hail typically occurs when the outside temperature is above freezing. Snow is the formation of crystalline water structures because the air mass that the cloud is sitting in is below freezing.


8. Does Little Man like snow?
He has not had much exposure to snow. Little Man year one was cold and snowy, but year 2 and year 3 have not been terribly cold and/or snowy.


9. Snow ball fights...yea or nay? What is the longest that you stored a snowball in the freezer to smite someone with later?
Yea! 2 years


10. Ever built an igloo?
Nope

11. When they sing “Walking in a Winter Wonderland” in the world of “Alice's Wonderland”, do they change the words to "a beautiful sight, we're happy tonight, watch out for that crazy Jabberwock?"
I believe those lyrics are not quite absurd enough. Maybe “a beautiful sight, we’re happy tonight, daffodils and monkeys love to fly…”

12. How are people supposed to enjoy the season of winter when it is also a word that means the final phase of life?
One should also enjoy their final phase of life. Although, “final phase of life” sports doesn’t sound nearly as interesting as “winter sports.”

13. Has the phrase 'winter of my discontent' transcended from memorable phrase to annoying cliché yet?
Boy howdy, and then some. Whilst clever in its usage by Steinbeck in ’61, it has definitely lost its panache.

14. If Seasonal Affective Disorder only happens in the winter, why don't they call it Winter Affective Disorder?
The only reasoning that I can come up with as to why it is not called “Winter Affective Disorder” is that the seasons in the Southern Hemisphere are opposite of those in the northern. What I am not sure of, however, is whether the seasonal names are consistent through the calendar year, or by weather. So, it is currently winter here in the Northern Hemi, but experiencing summer-ish weather in the Southern Hemi. What I do not know is whether or not in the Southern Hemi they consider this Winter or Summer. Any Southrons out there who are willing to clarify?

15. Why do the ice skaters get the most attention during the Winter Olympics? What is your favorite winter olympics event?
Skimpy outfits and ice. People dig that. I, however, love me some bobsled. 2-man… 4-man… it don’t matter. I love the starts when they push the sled and yell.

16. Which is the better sled type, the long ones that you can put more than one person on or the saucers?
I am a fan of the runner sleds, but they tend to work best only in icier conditions. The saucers are really good for lots and lots of snow.

17. During the winter driving season, that means snow on the roads, do you think the number of bad drivers increases due to lack of experience driving in snow, or that their IQ's drop in a proportional relationship with the amount of snow on the ground? What do you do to "Winterize" your house/car?
Honestly, it is only the first few days of snow driving where people suck. It is as if they have completely forgotten how to drive on snow. After that, things get a bit better. As far as winterizing the house and car… I turn the heat up.

18. How do you like your hot chocolate - without marshmallows, with a couple floating about the top, or a rich layer of them? How can something so scrumptious as a marshmallow have that kind of name- it sounds like something that you need foot medicine for?
I actually like hot chocolate with those little de-hydrated mini marshmallows like you find in Swiss Miss packets. Otherwise I am much more of a whip-cream in the hot-chocolate guy. Oddly with the name marshmallow, I immediately conjure up swamp images.

19. Jack Frost - has he gotten an unfair reputation? If Winter were a person, what would that person look like?
Well, Jack Frost is kind of a jerk, really. I mean the other fairy tale characters put up with him, but he really is an insecure jack-ass (get it? Jack Frost… Jack-Ass. I kill me!!). I mean the Easter Bunny and Mother Nature are always rolling their eyes when it comes to Frost. If you ask me the guy who is completely mis-represented is Robert Frost. A baby-eater is I ever saw one…

If I had to picture what winter looked like it would be the current aged looking Clint Eastwood with a long white beard.
Ahhh… there we go

20. What is the difference between Winter White, and regular White?
If I remember correctly Winter White is a hint of blue in it, while “White” is the absence of additive color. Perceptually, people think Winter White as more white than true White. True White looks to yellowy to the casual observers. It has something to do with the degeneration of the rods and cones in the human eye over time.



To recap:
People are idiots
Wifey and I agree on that
No particular reason for the statement
Yet…
I found a gray nose-hair yesterday
A GRAY NOSE-HAIR!
How flippin’ old am I?
That’s it, I am dyeing my nose-hair now!
Don’t ask how I “found” it
It is really best not to know

Weird Holiday

So this is a weird “holiday.” Sure it is a US federal holiday so most government workers are not working today. I am at work, however, and Capt. Mcarmypants is at work as well. So a non-government employee (me) and a government employee (the Mediocre Captain {a title of “The Good Captain” would inflate his head/ego to monumental proportions. Don’t get me wrong, he has a tiny little noggin to begin with so some swelling is nice, but the poor enlisted soldiers forced to be on a plane with his ego would suffer unduly) are both working diligently today. Let me ‘splain.

Me: Our client (a government agency) wants to look at some materials for a public involvement meeting during an internal get-together tomorrow mid-morning. The issue is that while most of the data that I am working with is internally produced, I do have to work with some stuff a different company produced. To make matters worse, I need to marry the line work with some aerial photos that are not matching up perfectly. I could go on and on with technical prattling about this, but I am even boring myself. Suffice it to say that it is a painful process getting the 4 different datasets to look seemless, but that is why I am paid the big bucks.* It is a tedious and painstaking process, that is sadly more trial and error than a multi-step process by rote. It takes patience for which I am losing quickly.

Captain McArmypants: The Mediocre Captain shipped out under cover of darkness last night for his deployment to Afghanistan. (Sure, my working on a holiday is not nearly as exciting as being deployed into a combat zone, but, hey, I am a whiner and this is my blog.) McArmypants is to be gone for a full year. Luckily it is “only” to Afghanistan and not to Iraq, but that is truly a relative comparison. Violence in Afghanistan is escalating because we are decreasing the total number of troops in the country so that we can have a troop “surge” someplace else, … I forget where.

To recap:
I am tired
I have tons of work to do
The Captain has 30 hours of transit to deal with
He also has the amazing ability to sleep almost in any position
The 30 hours will seem like 10 to him
I have a shit-ton of work to get to
“A shit-ton,” I say
Again the progression is:
Ass-load
Shit-load
Fuck-load
Ass-ton
Shit-ton
Fuck-ton
At least I only have a “shit-ton” to do
By 3 pm today it should be down to an “ass-ton”
Not an Astin an “ass-ton”

* “big bucks” is defined here as meager living.

At the desk

The problem with eating lunch at your desk is that, it is, well, at your desk. When you are close to the actual area that you work, you realize how much work you have to do. That is why I enjoy going out to lunch on workdays. Don’t get me wrong, I also like eating greasy food that some unhappy minimum wager had to slop together, but that is pretty much secondary to getting the hell away from my desk.

I have tried eating in the little snack area where my company provides tables for we worker bees, but it turns out that I hate small talk and don’t like people. That did not work for very long. Too many forced conversation about “local sporting events,” “weather,” and other flat pleasantries made the process of eating communally a bit of a chore. That and some of the people like to “share” waaay too much information about their extended family woes. Just because I am sitting near the microwave, does not mean I want to hear about your cousin Timmy’s appendix, or, especially, your 55 year old uncle’s penchant for 20-something women.

So, here I sit at my desk eating Tyson Chicken’s Chicken Cordon Bleu with some microwaved corn… staring at my screen, posting a blog post instead of working. Looking at the pile of papers that have long since lost their semblance of order, and thinking, “Great Blue Heron Beaks! I have tons of work I need to do… I think I need to clean my desk up… I wish my toe would stop itching. I don’t think the co-workers would like it if I took off my shoe and sock to scratch my toe. Hey, at least I am not trimming my toenails at work like the freak did when I first started working here. I did not misspell ‘microwaved.’ It is the past tense of ‘microwave.’ Why does Microsoft Word recognize the spelling of ‘microwave’ but not ‘microwaved?’ that just doesn’t make any sense. I love the ham in chicken cordon bleu. Does anyone make ‘Ham Cordon Bleu?’ I could use a nap. Yeah, a nap would be good. Ooooh, Shiny!”

Ummm… where was I? Oh, yes, lamenting lunches at the desk. At least the chicken was tasty, and I like the company keep during the lunches at my desk (me), so I guess it could be worse. I could be forced to eat at Skyline Chili or White Castle all the time. That would hurt. That would hurt me badly.

To recap:
Wifey seems to be doing better
I think it has to do with the Roast Beef
We purchased the Christmas program DVD produced by Little Man’s preschool
Turns out Little Man enjoys watching himself on the big-screen
Picking his nose
Today's lesson: I don’t like people
Much less talking to them
Especially when I am eating
I typically do not respond to meme, call outs, but…

This is for you B from e-lah
Good lord, I look haggard
Did I mention that I don’t like people?
‘Cause I don’t
At all
W T F ?!???!!??
Maybe the Beck’s of 3 to 4 years ago, but now?
Oh, yeah, it's de-lurking week, so leave comments if you got 'em
Have a great weekend, everyone

“Click” “Ctrl + J” “Click”

Oh, crap! It’s nearly 3:45 and I haven’t posted. Really there is not terribly much to tell. I have lots of work that must get done, and it is tee-dee-ous. Horribly tedious. Tedious and time consuming. I think the final product is worth it in the end, but good-gracious-bumbly-bee does it take a shit-ton of tedium to bring about. “Click” “Ctrl + J” “Click” “Click” “Ctrl + J” “Click” “Click” “Ctrl + J” “Click” “Click” “Ctrl + J” “Click” “Click” “Ctrl + J” “Click” “Click” “Ctrl + J” “Click” “Click” “Ctrl + J” “Click” “Click” “Ctrl + J” “Click” “Click” “Ctrl + J” “Click” “Click” “Ctrl + J” “Click” “Click” “Ctrl + J” “Click” “Click” “Ctrl + J” “Click” “Click” “Ctrl + J” “Click” “Click” “Ctrl + J” “Click” “Click” “Ctrl + J” “Click” “Click” “Ctrl + J” “Click” “Click” “Ctrl + J” “Click” “Click” “Ctrl + J” “Click” “Click” “Ctrl + J” “Click” “Click” “Ctrl + J” “Click” “Click” “Ctrl + J” “Click” “Click” “Ctrl + J” “Click”

Anyway… enough about work.

Wifey’s gall-bladder issues have been making dinner around the house a difficult prospect. There ain’t no blame in ma game here, I am just saying, it is difficult to cook a meal for myself when Wifey is going to have half a can of soup and Little Man is downing orange rice left-overs. I just don’t feel like cooking for myself in these instances.

I don’t want to temp Wifey with fat-filled goodness, so some of the non-healthy quick meals that I usually fix on Fend-for-Selves nights on the menu are out of the question. Trust me, I don’t want to temp a hungry and pissed-off Wifey. NO ONE WANTS TO TEMP A HUNGRY AND PISSED-OFF WIFEY. Let’s just say she gets a little on the mean side when she is hungry. Anyway… I am tired of non-meals and quick dinner fixes. For the last two nights I have had chickies for dinner for Chrissakes! With KETCHUP no less, because we didn’t have any bar-b-que sauce or ranch dressing.

Well, that is about it from my whiney self.

To recap:
How’s that roast beef, Wifey!
I found Wifey the leanest roast beef I could
Turns out it was made from a negative cow
An anti-cow, if you will
Couldn’t sleep for crap yesterday
Made it difficult to come in this morning
Just Little Man and me for dinner tonight
He will have orange rice and I have no idea what I will eat
We have some chicken that I might try to do something with
Or maybe I will just have some soup
Wifey has some kind of hoot-nanny to go to tonight so the start of the evening ritual (dinner, DVR’ed shows and bath-time) will be all Papa tonight
I think I will be exercising at the homestead tonight, instead of the gym
“Click”
“Ctrl + J”
“Click”
“Click”
“Ctrl + J”
“Click”
“Click”
“Ctrl + J”
“Click”
“Click”
“Ctrl + J”
“Click”

20 Questions Tuesday: 24 - Winter

Ah, Winter. It seems like the late October early November weather is finally here. It is a bit late, but here for the moment. I hope that it sticks around for a bit, because well, my sinuses hate the autumnal weather, and it has been autumnal weather since August of 06 (sounds more impressive that way, doesn’t it?) Ergo, today’s topic being “winter.” Just as an FYI, it looks like next week’s topic will be “winter” as well. Anyway, thanks this week go to Bomber, Lsig, Belsum, ZingerZapper, and JA Coppinger.

On to the questions:

1. Have you ever stuck your tongue to frozen metal, a la "A Christmas Story?" I know you grew up in 'Bama, so maybe this isn't relevant. I did it once - on the monkey bars at recess - painful!!!
Nope, I have never stuck my tongue to a metal object. I have, however, touched wet fingers to frozen door handle. I lost a little bit of skin that way.

2. So many of my questions are related to food, but what food do you crave, that comforts you when it's cold outside?
There are a couple of cold weather foods that I love during the wintertime. Cinnamon Rolls are near the top of the list. I love me some cinnamon rolls. That is where my mind wanders for sweet cravings, but for savory, a winter only treat are the meatballs found in this book (pg 72).

3. Do you suffer from seasonal affective disorder here in grey Ohio? If so, fret not, there's help: http://www.sada.org.uk/
Nope, I do just fine during the grey winters here in Ohio. I come from a stock of people who are quite used to grey autumns, followed by grey winters, followed by grey springs, that transition into gray summers.

4. Let's say you won an all-expense paid wintertime trip to somewhere fabulous - where would you and Wifey go to beat the winter blues?
I am not sure where we would end up going to “get away” from winter. We are not really beach people, So I would have to say… Australia. Start in Sydney or Melbourne and see where whimsy takes us.

5. Do you like the Tori Amos song titled “Winter?”
I do like the song. Tori Amos has an amazing ability to sing a melody that is incongruous with the music she is playing on the piano. That and the lyrics of the song are beautiful. Using the lyrical hook or “When ya gonna make up your mind” is brilliant.

6. "Winter"? Have we reached the bottom of the 20 questions barrel or something?
Yes, I am scraping the barrel. If anyone out there has any ideas for 20 questions topics, please let me know. I am dying here. Another thing that influenced this topic of winter is that I did not think of asking people for questions until after lunch on Monday.

7. Is there something "wintery" from your childhood that Little Man will miss out on because of living in a different state/climate?
Aside from abject fear of snow and all things snowy, nope. Alabama is not really known for its wintry composition.

8. Ohio is pretty dismal in the winter. Anything good to say about it?
Not this year. I have been stuck in my autumnal sinus hell for far too long to complain about winter. I need it to be cold and dry for my aching head.

9. Which is worse, extreme cold or lots of snow?
Actually the combo of the 2. If I had to choose between the two, I would choose extreme cold over lots of snow. Lot’s of snow has a higher potential for loss of power due to downed lines. Extreme cold is just plain annoying.

10. Snowflake sweaters and other winter “themed” clothing is surely a sign of the devil, right?
The devil or a second grade teacher.

11. What’s your favorite line from the Empire scenes set on Hoth?
Not much interesting is said on Hoth, but here it goes:

Deck Officer: Your Tauntaun'll freeze before you reach the first
marker.
Han Solo: Then I'll see you in hell!

But my favorite Imperial exchange in the movie is:

Admiral Ozzel: Lord Vader, the fleet has moved out of light-speed,
and we're preparing to... Aaagh!
Vader: You have failed me for the last time, Admiral. Captain Piett.

Capt.Piett steps forward, as the admiral moves away, slightly confused,
touching his throat as it begins to constrict painfully.

Capt. Piett: Yes, my lord.
Vader: Make ready to land out troops beyond the energy shield and deploy the fleet so that nothing gets off that system. You are in command now, Admiral Piett.

Admiral Ozzel falls to the deck dead.

Admiral Piett: Thank you, Lord Vader.

12. Mr. Freeze (Batman) vs. Iceman (X-Men)? Movie versions or comic versions?
Mr. Freeze baby! He is cold and detached. Definitely the comic version as well. Movie Freeze sucked.

13. What’s your drink of choice after a day of sledding?
Land-o-Lakes Hot White Chocolate. Wow, is this stuff good.

14. Hockey is clearly superior to football, basketball, and baseball; why does it not have the same following?
Unlike football and baseball, hockey is a very fluid and evolving game. Americans don’t tend to like fluid games. They like build up, action, then reaction. Basketball, which is a fluid game, is tolerated because it is relatively high scoring.

15. Why is it that snow makes “normal and sensible” people into complete morons when driving?
One is assuming that prior to snow people were not moronic. There is the fallacy in your logic.

16. Do you prefer the beginning of winter (late Fall weather) or the end (beginning of Spring)?
Of the two, I prefer the end of winter, because it is not the Fall.

17. Skis or a snowboard?
Never done either, so I do not have a preference.

18. Do you shovel or snowblow? Does Wifey help?
I am a shoveler. We do not get enough snow, nor have a big enough walk to use a snowblower. I am the sole shoveler of the household, pretty much for anything that needs shoveled, snow or otherwise.

19. Favorite drink after clearing the walk?
Oddly enough the very same Land-O-Lakes White Chocolate. Mmmmm….. I wish I could find a link for it.

20. What was the biggest snow-fort you ever built?
As I have stated before, I grew up in Alabama. We never got enough snow to make a “snow-fort” although I heard fanciful tales of their construction.


To recap:
Maybe my sinuses will calm down for a bit
I might replace Australia with New Zealand in Question 4
Problem is: we would want to stay
I am sore today from last night’s workout
I ache a whole bunch
Not sure what is for dinner tonight
Wifey needs to get rid of her gall-bladder
And fast!
Little Man has learned some passive resistance techniques from somewhere
I am more whiney than resistant
Wifey and her friends are the non-violent people that I know
So, I put the blame squarely on them

Sapper

The good thing about not making any New Year’s resolutions is that I can’t feel disappointed in myself when I haven’t broken any in the first week. Yep, so far I have not broken any of the resolutions that I did not make. That’s the thing about goals: if one aims low enough, one can only be pleasantly surprised. With resolutions there is nothing lower than… ummm… nothing. Even a negative resolution is still a resolution. “I will smoke more cigarettes a week” is still a resolution. It is neither a good nor a healthy one, but it is still a resolution. The mere fact that one has resolved themselves to do something makes it a resolution. I, however, have not resolved to do anything, and, by gum, I have not done anything yet this year. Just ask Wifey.

Many people think that resolutions are made to be broken. That is why a few people I know resolved to make no resolutions. The irony was not lost on them, in fact, it was their point. They are very ironic in their extremely predictable ways. Sometimes people make resolutions to which they know they cannot hold, quitting smoking, for example, or “getting fit” (whatever the hell that means). Oftentimes these people couple these “insurmountable” resolutions with ones they actually could attain (drinking 64 fl oz {1.9 L} of water a day, for example) just so when they fail at the really hard one, they can give up on the reasonable ones. Self-fulfilling prophesy at its finest.

In recent years past, I thought that making vague resolutions would be easier. They did turn out to be easier to not accomplish. The vagaries of the non-well-defined resolutions lend themselves to quick failure. Any goal needs an implementable plan. Without a plan, the resolution is doomed to failure. “Doomed,” I say, “DOOOMED!!”

As I have stated before, numerous times, I am quite good at “nothing.” Since I am soo flipping good at nothing, I have determined that I shall resolve nothing this year. “Nothing,” I say, “NOTHING!!” The problem with resolving nothing is that when I do anything, I will have broken the resolution. Oh, the conundrum that is my tangled logic.

To recap:
It is my mom’s birthday today
I need to call her when I get home from work today
It is quite sad when the best thing you can do is nothing
Quite sad indeed
I need to come up with a topic for tomorrow’s 20 Questions Tuesday
I think Little Man is actively trying to sabotage my getting to work early
Mainly because he wants to be known as a “sapper”
Who doesn’t want to be know as a “sapper” though
Maybe I should resolve to be a “sapper?”
I could potentially be an emotional sapper
Methodically removing other people’s emotional defenses until they become blubbering piles of jelly
If I were to resolve anything this year, it would definitely be “I resolve to be an emotional sapper.”
So, tell me about your childhood…
Did I hear that there was some kind of game going on tonight?

Freshen

I do not make a habit of hanging out in restrooms, but I have noticed something happen every time I have gone into the work restroom here at the hallowed halls of my company. Every time I am in the restroom, the automated air-freshener dispenses a blast of pungent anti-stink scent. Every. Single. Time. Now, I have varied the frequency and times that I employ the restroom’s facilities, but every time I go to pee, there is a blast of supposedly “freshness” directed my way. Every. Single. Time. That being said, I have not done a longitudinal double blind observational time series to determine the overall frequency and “schedule” of the automatic air freshener. It may be that the thing goes off every 5 minutes no matter what, and the time it takes to void the bladder and wash my hands just puts me within the 5 minute window every time. Excuse me, I meant to type Every. Single. Time.

I have mentioned this to other restroom users whilst they attempt to make polite conversation with me during the time that biological necessities are being performed, but I only get polite acknowledgement of the comment. Other polite work restroom topics such as “the weather,” “local sporting events,” and “would rather be home” seem to evoke a more boisterous response than “Man, that air freshener goes off every time I am in here. Wacky, huh?” It makes me wonder if I am one of the few people that it constantly tries to “freshen.”

To my knowledge, I do not stink, and I should know, I live with a woman who has no compunction telling me that I “stink like ass” or that I am “tangy… in a bad way.” She has on multiple occasions asked, “So, you ARE going to shower this morning, right?” I know full well that it is not a question, but that is beside the point. The point is that my work restroom seems to think that I need freshening. Every. Single. Time. I cannot constantly stink. (author’s note: I understand that I am opening myself to co-worker/friend/family ridicule here, and I am sure my comments will reflect many a person telling me that I stink. That is a chance I am willing to take.)

I bathe too often to be perpetually malodorous. My diet is typical enough that I should not be emanating a bizarre odor do to spices and such. Frankly I am at a loss.

To recap:
Not sure what is for dinner tonight
I am sure it will be good though
I need to sleep more
A lot more sleep
To my knowledge, I do not stink
My knowledge really is rather limited
My knowledge, however, is not rather The Limited
I am sure that many a commenter will let me know that I do, in fact, stink
Have a great weekend

'hic'

I learned something valuable last night about Little Man.

Let me set the stage. It is around 6:25 PM and Little Man has just gotten his first plate of orange rice. He is happy as a clam and just scarfing the rice based casserole down. He is nearly finished with his plate when he abruptly just stops eating. This is quite unlike him. When orange rice is around, the Little Man transforms from his usual happy go-lucky self into a ravenous eating machine. A machine with no soul and only one reason for existing: the mass consumption of orange rice. He basically becomes the equivalent of one of the zombies from the B-movie zombie flicks that have an itch that only the brains of the living can scratch. Replace brains of the living with orange rice, and you have what Little Man becomes when there is Orange rice around. Anyway, he just stopped eating the orange rice, and I couldn’t figure out why until ‘hic’ he hiccoughed.

What’s the matter, big guy? I inquire.
I got ‘hic’ the hiccups. He sullenly replies
Oh, you got the hiccumupups? I ask empathetically
Yea, I got the hic ’hic’ cups. He responds
You don’t want the hiccups do you? I question.
No, I Don’t want hiccups. ‘hic’ He morosely continues

BOO-GET-TY!!!

Little Man jumped about 3 feet (close to his height) and looked at me with a big fat smile on his face.

NO! Papa! Don’t Do That! ‘hic’

What I learned: Little Man’s hiccoughs don’t go away when he gets startled.

To recap:
They went away when he drank something
It was rum
I kid, I kid, it was just whiskey
Would you believe a beer?
Just root-beer?
It was Berry Juicy Juice in a glass through a light green wacky straw
No really
Looks like Wifey might be going to Belgium for a conference
I don’t get to go to Belgium for conferences
Last conference I went to was in Columbus
And, I live in Columbus
Happy B-Day ACW

20 Questions Tuesday: 24 - New Years

Today’s auspicious topic is “The New Year.” Yes, I know it sounds daunting, and yet cliché, but let’s look beyond those 2 sticking points and simply enjoy the majesty that will be 20 Questions Tuesday: 24 – New Years.

Thanks this week to Lord Pithy (I don’t make up what people wanna be called), Dustin, The Em, Info Diva, ACW, and Atmikha. To the questions---

1. Do you say "oh-7" or "aught-7"?
I wish I could pull off saying “aught-7” but I am not quite old enough just yet for that to sound right. I think I will start leaving the “oh” off and just call this year by “seven.”

2. Knowing of your obsession with Paris Hilton, what is your New Year's wish for her? Summarily, if Paris Hilton shaved her head, became a Buddhist nun, and withdrew from public life this year, would your contempt for her change?
I combined 2 people’s questions here. It seems that people have picked up on my distaste for Paris Hilton. Anyway, I could explain my distaste for her, but that would take too long, and no one really cares. So, I really wish happiness for her. True happiness. Now, I am under no delusion that she would understand if happiness came up and bit her ass, but I do wish it for her. (I typed “ass, but” tee hee)

The second part of the question: my contempt for her would change most definitely, because most of my contempt for her, is truly contempt for American society for making her into something.

3. "2007" on an upside-down calculator is "LOOZ." What portents for the New Year do you see in that?
I don’t know, but I cannot wait for the year 58008. That is going to be a great year!

4. Will this be the year your greatness is discovered?
Sadly, that year is 58008

5. What will Little Man's New Year's resolution be?
I asked him, and it had something to do with a crossing gate.

6. What the heck does "Old Lang Sine" or "Od Leng Fine" (or however you spell it) really mean anyway?
Okay, technically it is Auld Lang Syne. It translates directly as “old long since” and has been used more to mean “long ago,” or “days gone by.” “Old Lang Sine” I believe has something to do with the ratio of the length of the opposite side of a triangle and the hypotenuse and “Od Leng Fine,” I believe, is gibberish.

7. Is Dick Clark human? When Dick Clark's cybernetic exoskeleton finally gives out in the year 2145 AD, who will replace him?
No, Dick Clark is not nor has he ever been human. He is starting to falter though. It is kind of like going to the Hall of Presidents at Disney World right now. It is sad to see Abe all jerky and out of sync. The presidents are starting to look like the crappy animatronic animals a kid’s pizza place. Anyway… the Clark-bot has been going for a while, and could do with some over-hauling. That being said, he seems to have been all but replaced by the 2005 model Seacrest-bot.

8. Have you ever gone or want to go to Time's Square for New Year’s Eve?
Nope, and nope. I do not so much like people, and vast quantities of drunken people all tightly packed is even more of a dislike. One might even consider it something I loathe.

9. Do you remember your first New Year’s Eve kiss at midnight? We want to scoop.
Actually, it is pretty tame. My first New Year’s kiss was with Wifey during our first year of marriage. I just have not really been coupled and in the same city during the Holiday Season.

10. Of all the planned events and things that go on for New Year’s Eve, what's your most memorable one?
Sitting in the basement with 3 cases of water, 2 shotguns, and some Twizzlers to ring in 2000. I kid, I kid. We didn’t have any Twizzlers.

11. Do you think the traditional New Year's baby in a cloth diaper should be updated? Why isn't he/she in Pampers?
Some things don’t really need to be changed. In truth, cloth diapers are on the comeback, although there is not a diaper service in Columbus, Ohio. We looked into it when Little Man was a wee one. We are environmentally conscious, as long as we don’t have to clean up the mess.

12. Resolutions. Do you make (and keep) them?
I really don’t make resolutions so much, mainly because I don’t keep them. Last year my big resolution was to drink more water. Well… I am parched and have been so since March. So… Thirsty…

13. Any truth to the old wives tale that if you're single whoever you spend New Year's Eve with is who you'll spend most of the following year with?
I have not heard that old wives tale before. I do not put incredibly much credence in old wives tales though. This lack of credence is due mainly because my mom is an old wife and her tales suck, but also because her mom was an old wife and her tales were even worse.

14. Staying in to watch Dick Clark or shaking your booty out on the town? Will you let Little Man stay up ‘til Midnight?
Actually, Wifey and I went to a wonderful little party to ring the New Year in. We watched a grand total of 3 minutes of the “Rockin’ New Year’s Eve.” It was actually a little bit sad. Dick Clark was 2 seconds off from the count-down. He was still on 2 when the ball lit up. Little Man was asleep when all of this occurred. The only times that he has seen midnight are when he is sick.

15. Any traditions that you celebrate for the New Years that you wish to share with us?
I don’t really have any New Years traditions. It has become I sort of tradition to go to the party that we went to, but that is about it.

16. Do you prefer football or futbol on New Years Day?
I caught most of the Man City vs. Everton match up. Good Lord! That game was flat until Man City opened it up. After that, it was a pretty enjoyable game to watch. I saw a little of the Man U vs. Newcastle game, and I think Newcastle should be very happy to have escaped with a point.

17. What skill or possession would you like to acquire in 2007?
I could use some good ninja skills. That skill where the ninja sets off a small smoke bomb and then disappears, that is the one I want.

18. What happened in 2006 that you would like to take with you into the future?
Better relations with the Yeti. We are family, and should work to make a better life together for our children. Well, for Little Man and his gap-toothed drooling hairy half-cousins.

19. What ended in 2006 that you hope never to see again?
Joey

20. How close or far are you from the vision you had in 1995 of yourself at this age?
There is not enough room on the intertubes to go into how different my life is from what I envisioned when I was a junior in college.


To recap:
Happy 2007 everyone!
I have 3 non-resolution life changes I am working on
Pending on how they go, you might hear about them
Then again, you might not
Some of you might notice them on your own
I just got an email from Amazon.com offering me a special Weight Watchers… um… offer
Just what are they trying to say?
Not sure what is for dinner tonight

The New Year

Okay, here we go. A New Year’s Day post.

I hope everyone had happy and healthy New Year’s Eve celebration. We had a great time with good friends. I think it could only have been better if I did not have an annoying headache due to the climatic conditions. Note: I did not type “climactic conditions” because, well we weren’t in a movie of any sort (that we knew of) last night, and, honestly, if we were, it would have been a crappy movie. No protagonist, no antagonist, no conflict, no resolution. Crappy movie, if you ask me. Where was I? Oh yes, the climatic conditions here are miserable. It needs to be significantly colder so the humidity will go away. This weather just kills my weak weak sinuses.

Anyway… had I not had a headache for most the night, it would have been a much mor enjoyable evening for me. That would have helped. Oh, well, other than my aching head, it was a good time. T and E, the hosts, were great hosts.

Well, that is all I got right now.

To recap:
Happy New Year to all, even the people I do not like
You know who you are
Then again, maybe you don’t?
Mysterious…. I am mysterious
No really, I am quite mysterious
Tomorrow’s 20 Questions Tuesday will be about the New Year
Regular posting to resume tomorrow

Year End

What does one* write when one* is posting their last post for the year? Does one* do a yearly retrospective? Does one* look forward to the New Year? Does one* forgo a post all together and go straight to a recap? Does one* wax eloquent about the fickleness of the human concept of time and humanity’s primordial need to demark time into quantized measurable units? What exactly does one* do with the final post of a year?

I think one* should just get this post started already.

To completely disregard the entire end of year scenario, one*… er… I have decided that I shall buck all the trends for end of year posts and post about end of year posts. I will be illustrating Russell’s paradox. Via this post in a round about sort of way. You know, the whole scenario. The barber of a village (let’s call the village Seville) shaves every man who does not shave himself thing. Who shaves the baber?

Hey You! Welcome to my shop,
Let me cut your mop,
Let me shave your crop…. Daintily… daintily….

Hey You!
Why must you be vexed
Don’t look so perplexed,
Can’t you see you’re next.
Yes, you’re next!
You’re so next.

How about a nice close shave
Teach you whiskers to behave
Lots of lather
Lots of soap
Please hold still
Don’t be a dope
There is no use misbehaving
Can’t you see you need a SHAVE!

Umm, where was I? I could go on, but I won’t, although the cartoon is playing in my mind right now. I would like to think it is bragging, but the above quotes are from memory. Eat THAT! Oh yes, now to my post about posting. Looks like a Bunny shaves the barber in this instance...

Screw the post! I shall continue to quote from the book of Looney Tunes.

There, you’re nice and clean,
Athough you face looks like it
Might. Have. Gone. Through. A. ma-chine.

Ooooh, where do I get that Rabbit?
Oh, what do you want with that Rabbit?
Can’t you see that I’m much sweeter?
I’m your little Senorit-er.
You are just my type of guy,
Let me loosen your tie,
And I shall dance for you…

The opera devolves into a chase scene at this point.

To Recap:
It is going to be hard to remember to date things with 2007 next week
I will post something short and snarky on Monday
It will probably more about its shortness than its snarkishness
I love me some Rabbit of Seville
No really, all from memory
I have not even checked it with lyrics.com so there could be some errors
Th-Th-Th-Th
That’s all folks!
Happy 2006
Have a great and safe weekend everybody



* - “One” being defined as “SRH” in these instances

My Itenerary

So, as a magical interlude to my work filled day, I met Wifey and Little Man for lunch today at the Benevolent Regent of Ground Beef (Burger King). It is always nice to see the fam in the middle of a work day. It is always bittersweet though

Midday lunches with the fam remind me of why I have to work. The family needs shelter and heat and whatnot, and my employment allows for those provisions. It galvanizes me to be a productive member of society and provide for my family. I know that for my child to be successful in life, by whatever definition Wifey and I determine for his youth and by whatever definition he edits ours into for his adulthood, the basics of survival are absolute necessities. I help to provide him with shelter, food, and clothing. Without those essentials, his survival is suspect. Coupled with those basic essentials, Little Man has some other requirements. These entail his medications and, sadly, his train addiction. For him to thrive in any environment now, he requires both intensive asthma medication and extensive wooden train track with long freight trains. My working helps to provide him with his primary essentials as well as his secondary essentials and any other creature comforts to which he has become acclimated.

Midday lunches with the fam also remind me of why I don’t want to work. Hanging out with them is entirely more fun than working. I would much rather play “remote control” with Little Man than work on joining together vectors to create a nice EOP polygon for some public involvement piece for a meeting in Cleveland sometime in late January. The process of joining together arcs and vertices is waaaay more tedious than turning Little Man upside down and tickling his belly. Seeing the little one and Wifey remind me of how much fun my family is. Lunch today was all smiles and giggling. Going home with them would extend that period of fun and giggles. Ah, but these three paragraphs are simply a set up for the reason for this post. This is merely the action sequence at the beginning of MacGyver episode, the action scene that shows Mac finishing up a previous mission. The beginning of a show that illustrates Mac’s kick assitude, but is not wholly germane to the episode’s plot itself. It is the scene that gets you ready for the actual episode to follow.

Upon leaving the fast food establishment of choice for Little Man, the joyful 3.42 year old informed me of what the rest of my day was to be like while I was buckling him up in his carseat.

Papa, come home in Papa’s car?
No, I have to go back to work.
Papa go back to work and take a nap?
No, Papa has to go back and work at work.
No! Papa go back to work and take nap. After nap, Papa send 5 emails and watch trains on computer.
Is that what I am going to do today?
Yes, nap. Then 5 emails. Then watch trains on computer.

It turns out that was to go back to work and take a nap. When I get up from said nap, I am to send 5 emails and then watch trains on Youtube. If only.

To recap:
MacGyver would have kicked everyone’s ass if he had a Leatherman or any subsequent multi-use tool
Good Lord, he did WHAT!?!?! with a Swiss Army Knife…what could that man have done with pliers?
Had a visitor to the house last night

That’s right, Fluffy the Headache Pine Marten
An unwelcome visitor
It has been a while since he visited last
I need to set my head down on my desk and take a nap
Per the instructions of my child
I cannot disappoint him, can I?

20 Questions Tuesday: 23 - Christmas, the aftermath

Ah, Christmas, you have come in and gone like a thief in the night. I trust everyone is doing well and those of us who celebrate Christmas came out like the robber-barons of yore. Today’s topic is about the aftermath of the holiday. The big sigh after a feast. Thanks this fine New Year’s Eve’s Eve’s Eve’s Eve’s Eve go to IC Yellow, ACW, Pithboy, Popo, The Em, and Wifey.

Here come the questions:

1. How old were you when you stopped believing in Santa?
I honestly do not remember. I would guess around 6 or 7, but I probably started suspecting around 5. Kindergarden does wonders for a kid's knowledgebase.

2. What time did Little Man get you up Christmas morning?
Little Man let us sleep until 8:30. We think his natural schedule is asleep by 10:00 pm and awake by 8:30 am. Sadly, that is not the schedule that he is usually on. My sleep schedule would be 2 am to 10 am, but being in the daytime workforce puts the kibosh on my natural schedule.

3. Why do kids think they are entitled to everything they ask from Santa?
Because they are kids. Little Man got a new spiral train track, 3 engines, 7 freight cars and 1 caboose yesterday, and all he could ask was “Where Norfolk Southern engine?”

4. Why/how can one gift (bad) change the mood of a kid, when they really liked everything else?
Kid’s are fickle. They epitomize the “What have you done for me lately” credo. While most of the presents could be kick-ass, one crappy pair of burgundy socks from their grandma in Florida when all they really wanted was some McDonald’s gift certificates. I mean come on Grandma… I was 10 years old. What 10 year old wears burgundy socks? Couldn’t you have at least gotten a color that is useable? Burgundy? Don’t waste your money on socks that I will never wear, that just doesn’t make any sense… ummm next question please.

5. Are you spending anytime this week returning gifts?
Nope, but both Wifey and I are awaiting some presents to be delivered though.

6. Did Little Man receive anything that would break his obsession with trains?
I am not sure such a thing exists.

7. What was your favorite gift this year (and not "time with the family eating")?
Everyone wants to know what the favorite gift was, and what the worst gift was. The thing about Christmas when you have a kid who starts to get the whole idea that he is getting gifts, is that the best gift I got was seeing Little Man open up his gifts. How's that for a schmaltzy father answer?

8. I got a glass kiln for Christmas. Now I can begin different fusing and slumping projects. I know this isn't a question, but I'm very excited about it. How annoying do you expect me to be about it?
Does one really need a kiln to start slumping? I am currently slumping happily away in my chair with nary a kiln in sight.

9. Yes it's pretty, but don't you hate the new mylar wrapping paper? It just doesn't rip and tear like the traditional paper of my youth.
I think it is a tragedy when one cannot rend their paper into unrecognizable tatters. Mylar takes scissors to make tatters.

10. If you could have found one lost toy from your childhood under the tree this year, which would it be?
Hmmmm… this is a tough one because my toys were kind of crappy. My brother and I did get a nice TYCO rail-less race track though. I would have to go with that.
11. If you had found world peace under the tree, what would it have looked like?
I am sure it would have been furry and cuddly, but probably not house-trained.

12. What gift would you have liked to put under Paris Hilton's tree?
A son of a Greek shipping magnate. Eventhough I think she is symptomatic to what is wrong with our society, I hold her no malice. If more money would and aa rich Greek jerk would make her happy, I think that is what she should get for Christmas, especially if it would keep her out of the limelight so I don't have to hear or see her ever again.

13. Why am I sooo tired right now after Christmas, shouldn't I be well rested???
Christmas is a like alchohol. It is great fun to celebrate, but if you have too much, things can go sour and fast. Everything is merry and bright. Gifts are shiny and lovely and it is great fun tearing into the packaging to reveal the love that has been given to you. So right now you are having the Christmas hang-over. Sounds like you had a great Christmas!

14. Why do we use so much darn wrapping paper for Christmas presents????
It is pretty.

15. When wrapping is a bow really necessary or does it just get in the way of the paper carnage?
To me, it depends on how long the package is going to be under the tree. If one is going to go through the trouble of really decorating a gift with all sorts of fancy schmancy bows and ribbon, and sprigs of holly and such, then that gift should be under the tree for as long as humanly possible. Conversely, if you are wrapping ht e night before… bow is not necessary.

16. What time is the proper time to open gifts...right after midnight or in the morning?
Midnight is technically “in the morning.”

17. Why do people ask what "your favorite gift" is? You have had them all under 24 hours, sometimes under 24 minutes, and you are already suppose to pass judgments on each gift....unless its money which automatically wins! What is the PC way to answer when all the gift givers are in the same room???? AHHH!!!!
People always think their gift was the best and just want to hear that. I think it is a bit cruel of them to put you on the spot like that. I would look at the person who asked you and say, "All the gifts I got were pretty good except {insert name of the gift the person gave you here}." The PC answer is, “Oh, I don’t think I can choose just one, all of my gifts were all so thoughtful and wonderful.” ** Author's note: That one was hard to even think, much less type out.

18. Why is it that after hours and hours of shopping and wrapping and sooo much build up that Christmas is over in a matter of minutes?
Isn’t that the way of many things. One must be careful not to over-hype their own holidays, lest they become a Dean Devlin Godzilla.

19. Why am I at work the day after Christmas? We get the day after Thanksgiving off, I think the same should go for Christmas.
At least where I work, if people have the hours in their PTO bank, they are not here. Most people, if they can, tend to take off the week between Christmas and New Years. I hate Those people, but it is a hate born of envy, not loathing. That makes it okay, right?

20. Anything you regret getting Little Man this year?
Not yet, but I am sure there will be something that will come back to bite me in the ass.

To recap:
This was a difficult Christmas Eve and Christmas night for Little Man
In exchange for Santa giving him gifts, Little Man had to give Santa all his pacifiers
It was not pretty
Mimma is a saint
I am tired and this weather is giving me a pounding headache
Next week’s 20 questions will be on the topic of New Years
I have to get back to work
Right after I eat some lunch
Shrimp Fettuccini
mmmmmmmm

Yeti responds

I got a response from the Yeti this morning, and well, it changed my life. It changed it thoroughly.

From: the Yeti [mailto:the Yeti@xxxxx.xxxxx]
Sent: Tuesday, December 21, 2006 10:58 AM
To: SRH
Subject: RE: Contact

Mr. SRH.

I appreciate the “effort”, but there is no way that our relationship can be reconciled. There is too much hurt and pain in our past for us to ever overcome.

Let’s count a few of the examples: Some of the reasons (but not all of the reasons) SRH hates the yeti:

1. Being pelted with squirrel entrails while performing on stage during the 3 rd grade Christmas play
2. During 5 th grade, the Yeti would steal his lunch money on the walk to school.
3. Being pelted by squirrel entrails while playing soccer
4. Urinating in his canteen during his Boy Scout camping trips


I could have eaten you many times in the past but I have decided to let you plump up some before I make a meal out of you. Soon I will be ripping you limb to limb and enjoying a fine meal. On a side note, you don’t need to work out. Your body is in fine shape. For me to eat.

If you are asking me to let bygones be bygones, maybe you do
not fully understand why I have spent my life plotting against you. Maybe
mommy never told you the story of the yeti….

It was back in the early 60’s and there was a young naïve college student at Kent State. She was very much under the stress that a normal college student experiences. She was also very experimental and was always looking to try something new. One night at a frat party, she had had a little too much to drink and spotted a very attractive, hairy Yeti outside, eating a stray dog. She was of course intrigued and ran outside to talk to the beast. Being the drunk experimental freak she was, she invited the Yeti back to her dorm room and ended up having the greatest night of her life. She immediately became very possessive and started talking about growing old together, so the Yeti bolted out the back door when she fell asleep. Nine months later, I was born. Mom was embarrassed about her drunken rendezvous and dropped me off in the woods to be raised by wolves.

She wanted nothing to do with me. It was at this time she met a new man who wanted to settle down and start a family. They moved to Mississippi and had your full-brother. Then after moving around to dodge me (YES! I found them every time. Stow, Ohio, Albany, New York, Oklahoma City, Oklahoma) you popped out in Oklahoma. Yes SRH, we are half brothers!!!

Mom always loved you more and I will kill you for that.

And if you think I am afraid of Little Man, I am truly not. I do not blame my nephew and I always carry a spare train set in my backpack just in case we meet. Even if he is blood hungry (like his uncle yeti), he will quickly be distracted when I pull that shiny engine out of the backpack. May squirrel entails fall from the sky on you this holiday.

The Yeti


From: SRH [mailto:SRH@xxxxx.xxxxx]
Sent: Tuesday, December 21, 2006 11:20 AM
To: the Yeti
Subject: RE: Contact

Yeti...

I... I.... never
knew. Wow. I really don't know what to say. It does explain your rather short stature for a yeti and your prematurely graying hair though...

Yeti, had I known, I would have made this overture of peace earlier.

Don't make me destroy you. You do not yet realize your importance. You have only begun to discover your power. Join me and I will complete your training. With our combined strength, we can end end this destructive conflict these destructive hippos and bring order to the galaxy. Don't tell me, that I’ll you'll never join me! Because if you only knew the power of the Dark Side hippo slaying. Obi-Wan Mommy never told you me what appened to with your father. He told me enough! It was you who killed him. No. Yeti, I am your father half-brother.

Let's call this pointless feud off. I cannot commit fratricide, even if it is mythological fratricide. I will not abide my child hating his half-uncle. I am truly and deeply sorry for the strife between us. Do not hate me because of my mother's love. It really
wasn't all that much to write home about.

Let's let bygones be bygones and eradicate hippo-kind together.

Your brother... well Half-Brother
--SRH

Now, I only have one enemy.

Onto other matters, here is the Christmas card we sent out this year.


Happy Holidays everyone!

To Recap:
Great! How much Grecian Formula does a Yeti need?
No really?!?
If we team up, you can kiss the Hungry Hungry Hippos good bye
I still need stocking stuffers for Wifey
I am on a quest for last minute train purchases
I had a crab cake sammich for lunch
It was tasty
I will most likely not be posting on Monday for some reason
Have a great weekend and enjoyable holiday (for those observing)

Tis the Season.... Yeti...

For those of you who are new to the blog, there are 2 mortal enemies in the realm of SRH. The second enemy is one that has gotten more attention on this blog due to its detached impersonal nature. You see, I am not mortally opposed to the hippopotamus. This need to eradicate the hippo stems from the fact that the hippo has no natural predator. I have declared war on all hippo kind and given ample evidence as to my hatred here, here and here.

My first and foremost mortal enemy is the Yeti and his yetikin. The reasons for this hatred (or h8red for the texters out there) are of a more personal nature and so vile that I shall not go into them here. We have had previously chronicled conversations and a few other interactions. I initiated this contact for good and pure reasons.

From: SRH [mailto:SRH@xxxxx.xxxxx]
Sent: Tuesday, December 19, 2006 2:58 PM
To: the Yeti
Subject: Contact

The Honorable Yeti,

I know it is bizarre for me to contact you out of the blue, but I feel it is time for us to start a new discourse about our combatitive “relationship.” When you have time, drop me a line so we can hammer some things out… it is the Holiday Season after all.

--SRH


From: the Yeti [mailto:the Yeti@xxxxx.xxxxx]
Sent: Tuesday, December 19, 2006 3:08 PM
To: SRH
Subject: RE: Contact

Dear Mr SRH,

I have nothing to say to you at the moment. I am currently on vacation with my neighbors. The only possible reason you may even be contacting me is because you are planning your new years resolutions. If this is the case, you are either planning on either 1) resolving your differences with me and that is not possible. We are mortal enemies and I salivate at the thought of your spilled blood. 2) resolving to finally kill me. And we both know that is just not going to happen. You are weak and lazy.

As it is, I have a spa/facial appointment in 10 minutes that I cannot be late for. Yours truly,

The Yeti

From: SRH [mailto:SRH@xxxxx.xxxxx]
Sent: Tuesday, December 19, 2006 3:10 PM
To: the Yeti
Subject: RE: Contact

Dearest Yeti,

I am happy that you are vacationing with "friends." That must be really nice.

On to the meat (probably the only meat you will be getting this holiday season since you are quite possibly the worst hunter known to man) of this missive. I think it is in the best interest of cryptozoologicals everywhere that I call off my petty distaste and hatred for your kind. You see, where I have failed (due to my lack of energy and motivation) in my attempts to become inspired for the mass extinction of yetidom, Little Man will succeed. His energy is limitless, his drive is unfathomable, and if bribed with trains... he is un-stoppable. Little Man truly would be the juggernaut of your imminent demise. Do you really want me to unleash the unlimited potential of Little Man upon your already endangered population? Ask yourself this question, "What is slightly stupid, white, and red all over and makes a gurgling sound when stabbed in the throat by a 3 year old ball of energy?" The answer is, of course, "you," if you don't let go of the hate.

So, here is the deal. I am willing to cease our murderous hostilities by not involving Little Man and stopping my yeti-killing ways. This offer is contingent on you promising not to commit suicide by coming after me or my family. That is the offer.

But really, if you want to call a spade a spade, I only want to teach him how to kill one type of beast, because, well, as I have stated before, I am lazy. For cripes sake, I have enough issues motivating myself to clean the stove, much less teach a 3 year old how to stalk, kill, and skin a full grown yeti. He is well into his hippo assassination training program, and really, don't you think that is enough?

This could benefit us all. Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying we should cease feeling animosity towards each other; I am more proposing a cessation of murderous hostilities. By the way, sorry about gakking your cousin.Looked like natural causes, didn’t it?

Think about my offer of pseudo-truce.

--SRH

I still am awaiting his response. I am sure the Yeti is weighing his options.


To Recap:
Yeti, you want nothing to do with Little Man
It is out of kindness and Christmas Spirit that I offer this olive branch
I cannot wait for the Christmas food coma
That truly is one of the best parts of the holiday.
I think the response from my hairy foe will be after the holidays
He is busy with family obligations
Some kind of videography stuff at Wifey’s work tonight
I am going to be a star!
Tomorrow we will resume our normally scheduled posting ummm… schedule

20 Questions Tuesday: 22 - Not Christmas

Here we are with 20 Questions Tuesday again, and since we have already spent the previous 2 weeks of December on Christmas, I have decided that today’s topic will be non-Christmas. Not necessarily Anti-Christmas, or Un-Christmas, just non-Christmas. Thanks this week go to Pithboy, Belsum, Dr B-Dawg, Dustin, JW, and Nadolny. I had to be kind of selective for the questions this week because next week will be all about New Years, that and there were 30 questions. I am sure some of you will cry “foul!” but since this is my blog, I get to make the rules.


1. If gay marriage became mandatory, which of you (Wifey or you) would get a sex-change?
It would probably be me, but I will not go into specifics!

2. If what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, did it really happen at all?
Not outside of Vegas. Kind of like marriages that happen in Fiji typically stay in Fiji.

3. Would you rather have fire ants and honey poured into your underwear or be stuck on an elevator with Rosie O'Donnell?
Wow, umm…. Fire ants. I grew up with them in ‘Bama, I think I could survive that more than the Rosie encounter.

4. What is your ratio of work-related to family-related items posted at/on your desk/cube walls?
Let’s see… the ratio is 5:1 family to work.

5. Bill or Ted? Station or Reaper?
Ted Theodore Logan and “You might be a king or a little street sweeper, but sooner or later you'll dance with the Reaper.”

6. How many prematurely canceled FOX shows are you still bitter about? Which ones?
The one I am most ticked about was the Tick live action show.

7. Surefire proof that the End of the World is nigh?
Andy Dick.

8. Why do so many people unnecessarily stop at yield signs, but will roll through stop signs?People are not that bright. The same people who stop at the yield and roll through the stop go 65mph (about 105 kph) in a 55mph (about 89 kph) construction zone while only going 60mph (about 95 kph) in a normal 65 mph (about 105 kph)zone.

9. Why is global warming so disregarded?
Because stories about global warming tend to come out in the winter when people are happy about it not being so cold. The news stories in the summer tend to focus on high cost of energy and air-conditioning woes.

10. When you make a PB and J, do you coat both slices of bread with the PB or do you smear one with PB and the other with J?
I slather one piece of bread with the peanut butter and then clean the knife off on the other piece of bread. So it is kind of like peanut buttering both sides, but not really.

11. Would you ride in a zeppelin across the ocean?
No, I don’t think so. I think the day of the re-enforced airship are over. I also am not a big fan of the transatlantic cruise.

12. What's your favorite Hanukkah game?
I, sadly, do not have a favorite. I love them all. And by all I mean spinning the dreidel.

13. How come every talks about Kwanza, but I've never met anyone who actually celebrates it?
You know, I am in the same boat. To be culturally edifying, it is important top note that Kwanza is not a holiday celebration like Christmas or Hanukkah, it is a celebration of heritage for (in many cases) a people whose heritage has been stripped from them.

14. Does mistletoe grow as a tree or a shrub?
Mistletoe is a parasitic plant that is neither tree nor shrub.

15. Do you think Egg Nog was an intentional creation, or an accident gone deliciously wrong?
Anytime one adds eggs to milk and alcohol, it was no accident. Hey, wait a second, this questions is kind of Christmassy…

16. Which, in your opinion is the best board game for parties?
Hmmm…. I am not much of a board game officianado. I would always go for Trivial Pursuit, but that is because I am a big old dork. The person to ask this question has his blog here.

17. What's the last Comic/Graphic novel you've read?
The last one I read was The Ultimates part 2 anthology graphic novel. It is the collection of The Ultimates issues 7 through 12. The story is basically a “more realistic” story of the Avengers. It was a fun read.

18. If these were the only choices you had, which would you drive? Yugo or Chevy Chevette.
The Chevette. G-Money had a 1976 Chevette for a long time and there are some fond memories from my youth associated with that car.

19. Why a not-Christmas theme at Christmas time? Are you a marketing scrooge in disguise?
I already did 2 weeks of Christmas questions, I just felt that 3 would be overkill. So in answering your second question, ummm… Not that I am aware of. Hey, this is another Christmassy question…

20. Wouldn't a post about Christmas knots be better? Imagine the joy of the children as they learn to tie a "taunt line eggnog hitch" or a "gift square knot".
And the “Rudolph 2 half hitches.” The “Christmas Bowline” Ummm… How could I Christmas up a Clove Hitch? There just has to be one there.

No, I don’t think the children would want to learn Christmas Knots. Christmas Don Knotts? Maybe



To recap:
RIP Joe Barbara, my childhood would have been even emptier without your cartoon studio
Only 6 more days to Christmas
Mmmmmm left over steamed chicken for lunch
Tasty!
All we have left are stocking stuffers for the gifts
Lots and lots of stocking stuffers
Only 5 more days before the Christmas food traditions commence
I love me some food
Especially Christmas food
Great, now I am hungry again
I think it is time to break out “How the Grinch Stole Christmas” as a bed time story

I am cantankerous

There are clearly levels of marketing that people attain. A marketing ladder, if you will, exists within the whole of the marketing industry. The upper echelon of that group are the big ad agencies who crank out top-flight commercials and print ads that bring relatively obscure companies to the limelight and fame and, of course, fortune. These players are the big dogs, so to speak. They reign from on high, looking down on the marketeers dreaming to be them, but they recognize that their reign is not going to be forever, so they constantly grow and expand their capabilities. Below them are the people in marketing that are doing everything in their power to become successful. It is a long ladder to be sure, but there is a bottom to that ladder, and it is not pretty.

Below the people who are doing their own ads on cable access are a couple of different marketing niches. The bottom rung of marketing is not a pretty place to be. We have all seen the bottom rung, and we have all been shamed by the inadequacies of that group of marketers. This rung of the marketing ladder has to deal with budgets that are clearly made from rotten persimmons and some used double sided tape. The “talent” (so to speak) is obviously mad up of non-paid junior high school interns and maybe some farm animals. "What marketing is this horrible?” you may ask. Go ahead, I will wait….

Good question. I will attempt to answer it.

The bottom rung of the marketing ladder are those poor saps who have to fill the ad space on movie screens prior to the start of movies, not the local ads either. These are the national chain ads for companies like Coca-Cola and Pepsi that ask insipid trivia questions about actors and movies while showing badly staged photos of carbonated beverages are shown spilling and splashing. The ads that ask you to unscramble the actor “OMT ANKSH” and gives clues like “was in Forrest Gump,” “was in Apollo 13,” “was in Big,” and “is actually spelled Tom Hanks.” You know what I am talking about. These people who make these marketing ads are the lowest of the low. They are lower than the people who make ads displayed on bus stop benches.

Whoa, SRH, wait a second. They aren’t that bad, are they? Yes, they are, and I will tell you why. They are that bad because they are working for multi-billion dollar giants like Coca-Cola. They might not be working for the cultural juggernaut itself, but they are working for it in some way because the “Coca-Cola” (or equivalent) logo is prominently displayed on the graphic being projected super big on the screen. They would do better with just still pics of the polar bears drinking Coke and no crappy movie/celeb trivia.

Could they at least come up with more challenging trivia. Stuff that will give one pause, and cause thoughts to occur. Not un-obscure word scrambles that… ummm I am going to stop now…

To recap:
I swear I am like 3 years away from “If that ball come in my yard I am keeping it!”
What kind of crodgetty crap did I just post?
I sound like I am old and really angry about it
Really, this is pretty pitiful
That is the category “Not about Christmas”
Not sure what we are having for dinner tonight
But I believe it will be tasty nonetheless
Good Lord I have to start up the exercise regime again
And before the New Year’s resolutioners get there
I need more PTO so I can take off time next week
Got the bulk of the Christmas cards in the mail today
The rest will go out soon
I lack a few addresses
I promise the post will be better tomorrow

He sang, He clapped, He dug

Yesterday I lost most of a day’s work due to files spontaneously corrupting for no good reason. Stupid files! So I had to come into work stupid early to finish what I lost yesterday. “Why did you have to come in early?” you ask. Well, good reader, Little Man’s Christmas Program at his pre-school was today, but I still needed to get the work that I should have finished yesterday done. So early is when I needed to be here. I got it done before 8:30 this morning when I had to leave for Little Man’s La Fête du Noël. So at least I have that going for me.

Anyway, the program was really nice. They sang 2 songs, had a story, sang 2 songs, had a story, and finished up with 2 more songs. Little Man sang some of the songs, but really enjoyed the clapping when songs were finished. More on clapping later.

After the program, the classes adjourned to their respective classrooms for cookies and juice. Whilst partaking of cookies and juice, Santa showed up sans reindeer to hand out gifts to each of the kids.

It was a pretty good Santa. He was really gentle with the kids, and was in a pretty good costume, and the mustache seemed like it could have almost been real. When it was Little Man’s turn on the Jolly Old Elf’s lap, he excitedly explained to Old Saint Nick how he was going to deliver “Train Track! And Diesel Engines” Little Man almost started to rattle off the various type of diesel engines he needed Père Noël to deliver, but lost interest when he was handed his gift from the good Mr. Kringle.

After that we all (Wifey, me, Mimma, Grandma D, and Grandpa R) had to go our separate ways. Little Man, Grandma D and Grandpa R went to their house for the rest of the day, Mim went back to work, and Wifey and I went to Bob Evans for a nice leisurely brunch. I had an omelet. That was the morning of the Christmas Program.

Now to the highlight of the entire show. Wifey and I wish there were more clapping and hand movements associated with Christmas Program 06 because Little Man has a penchant for picking his nose. He has the “nasal itch,” if you will. After the first 2 songs and the story he pretty much got bored, and when the little one is bored, he is digging for gold. Sinus grooming is a baseline activity for the boy. No matter how much we try to remove his digits from his rhinal passages, they inevitably end up probing his proboscis.

We are soo proud. He really was just digging with wild abandon.


To Recap:
Yeah, I think I might have gotten carried away with synonyms for this post
Oh, well
The nose picking isn’t so bad…
I just wish he didn’t wipe his hands on the pulpit
Ummm.. Probably should not have mentioned that
When we get the Christmas Cards out I will post the pic here
Cracks me up everytime I see it
I am feeling fat and lazy
I have got to get back to the gym
Overheard from another parent at the Christmas Program: How did he get it untucked in 30 seconds.
Ummm... he did have a whole 30 seconds
Have a great weekend

Mama! Papa!

Monday night after all the stories and all the good night kisses, after turning on the fan and “Monkey, ” after making sure Little Man has leopard (his lovey), after Wifey and I have left the room so that Little Man can go to sleep, I hear “Mama… Papa… Come here.” I ignore it because, well I am killing Defias Highwaymen and harvest reapers in Westfall trying to get my hunter up to 20 so I can dual wield… ummm… I just went into a bit more detail than I should have about my WoW addiction, didn’t I? Let’s try again.

I ignore it because I am playing my online game and really, he has already had kisses, he has leopard, and Jack Johnson is serenading him already. Yep, that was much better. My toon is a little over halfway to level 20, and if I just grind out the exp for a bit I can hit level 20 in about 30 minutes. I probably just crossed the “Too Much Info” line again, didn’t I?

Little Man’s cries for attention get more insistent. “Mama! Papa! Come here!” Wifey is down stairs reading. Each of us have our own way of stress relief. Wifey’s typically involves a historical fiction book and tuning me out, and mine revolves around (as we refer to it in the house) The Game. So Wifey is absorbed in her book (she gets on to me for not being able to have a conversation with her while the TV is on, but sometimes when she is ready something she really likes, I have to physically touch her to get her attention. It is cute.) and I am ignoring Little Man’s more insistent cries for attention. Mama! Papa! COME here!

Anyway… I am about to level up when Little Man really turns on the volume. He starts shouting MAMA! PAPA! COME HERE! NOW! WHY WON’T MAMA, PAPA, COME HERE NOW?!?! MAMA, PAPA, MAMA, PAPA, COME HERE NOW! I finally hit the goal of 20 and start the process of shutting down The Game, when Little Man starts really laying into it. MAMA! PAPA! MAMA! PAPA! COME HERE NOW! with the implicit meaning of If mama and papa don’t come here right now he will die the death only brought about by rabid wolves or snakes. Ah, the joys of parenthood. Before I head downstairs, and to quell the insistent rugrat, I go in and see what he is yelling about.

What is going on Little Man?
Come here NOW!
What’s the matter?
Goodnight, Papa.
What?! You just wanted me to come in here so you can say ‘goodnight’ again?
Good. Night. I start to leave…
Kisses! I kiss him on the forehead and start to leave...
Leopard kisses! I kiss leopard on the forehead and… I’m think I am actually going to make it out of the door this time
Good. Night.
Goodnight to you too, you insufferable little scamp. And with that I am finally allowed to go downstairs to help get his bags ready for pre-school.

On a side note I also just posted this on the Drawing Board. It feels good to get my drawing chops back up to speed. They aren’t where they were in college, but what about me is?

To recap:
My hand cramped whilst drawing Mr Freeze
My right shoulder is really starting to hurt I don’t know why
Often Little Man wants us to bring him some water in a paper cup
He is a demanding little cuss
My public gets nasty, uh, I mean antsy when I wait to post until after 2pm
Shut it, coworkers!
I am slowly coming up with Christmas gifts – not good ones, but gifts
Zane’s preschool Christmas program is tomorrow.
He’s supposed to sing “Jingle Bells” and “Rudolph”
Chances of him actually singing are slim to none
Maybe in the car on Saturday we might get some Jingle Bells
He will be wearing a button down and khakis
Oh, there will be many a picture taken